Chapter 43 - Pleasure and Pain (Divinyls)

                                    

                                          
DARYL
"Hey, Daryl....did you hear me?  We're going to camp here tonight. Looks safe enough."
Rick repeats his words to me as I walk past. Throw my toolbox into the rear tray of the Cherokee.
Weren't no damn problems with the sprockets, just a little chain kink is all.
A couple  of little chain kinks....is all. Maybe one  sprocket that was a fraction tilted?
"Heard yer. Just gonna get some firewood and check out the perimeter.  Be back soon."
I keep walking for about a half mile before coming to a halt. Lean up against a tree to stop myself from fallin down.
That's when I let my thoughts kick in. Have been holding them at bay for a while now.
Took every ounce of strength I had to keep them on a leash for so long. Ever since Hershel read the words.
Now....now it's finally time to let em out to play.
"Nate...."
Say her name out loud and spook the hell outta myself. Then self-consciously glance around to see if anyone else heard me.
"Yer a Dumbass....Dixon!"  I mutter, embarrassed.
I'm still tryin to get over the shock.
That it's her  that wrote the letters. Her  that saved the Old Man's life that afternoon in the bar.
Remember everything about that damned girl.
When she snuck up and put her goddamn gun to the back of my head. Almost walkin through me when she stalked into the warehouse.
When she laughed and made those rats bark in the old folk's home.
Said she was sorry for what happened to my brother. Then called me a wanker....whatever that is.
Knowin her? It ain't nuthin good.
And those eyes a hers. Violet-coloured, like stained glass windows in a church. Long brown hair with legs that go on forever. A body that's made for....  🫠
And her face....her incredibly beautiful face.
The girl I'll always remember, though? She wouldn't take shit from nobody. Tough as nails, just like all those Latino's she was with.
And killin all them people like she said she did? That can't be the same girl who'd then curl up in a ball and go for a holiday in her head?
Shit, who am I fuckin kiddin? I used to do it enough times meself, whenever my ol' man would lay into me.
And how the hell would I know what she's really like?
Yeah....yeah!
I grilled Glenn and T about her. On the pretext of wantin to know how her group had survived all that time. Made them tell me every single word that was said.
But me?
I only spent like, four hours in total with her nearby.  Most of that we were staring daggers at each other....
....me staring daggers at her....
OK!
Me just fuckin staring at her....ALRIGHT?  🙄
I kick hard at a rock that keeps gettin in the way of my pacing feet.
Why the hell should I care anyway?
She's just another stupid girl.  Ain't got no time for that. And besides....the bitch just gave me a kid's toy to stir me up.
She already knows how to push my buttons. Blowin fuckin kisses at me. Pfffft!
That little voice inside my head starts chippin away at me again....
Yeah, but yer made the time to think of her. At least once every single day, ever since yer first clapped eyes on her.
Hell, more than once a day. Be honest with yerself, Dixon....more like once every hour. Dummy!
And every time I do  think? I feel it again....just like I did that day.
And it still scares the almighty living shit out of me. Just don't know how to deal is all. Having never felt somethin like this ever before.
That's probably why I blew my stack at her? My usual reaction when something happens and I feel things I don't....can't understand.
I felt....safe?
All that happened was....she put her hand on my arm. That's it. And when she spoke? I looked into her face for the briefest second. Before I lost it and she did too.
So how in the fuck could any of that make me feel safe? Dumbass Dixon strikes again!
Hershel is gonna read out her letter tonight and ask em. And everyone  has to agree. Or it's off.
Full stop, the end.
I'm gonna say no....HAVE  to say no.  Can't let that crazy bitch anywhere near us.
Can't let her anywhere near me or I'll....
DAMMIT....NOT THAT FUCKIN VOICE AGAIN!
Yer'll what? Go and feel safe again?
So much so....that yer'll want to be around her whenever yer can. Just like yer did at the old folks home.
Go out on runs and huntin, ride with her on yer bike. Talk to her, listen to her voice forever. Hear her laugh. Look at her face while she sleeps. Hold her. Trust her.
Kiss her maybe?
Then do everything else like yer also been dreamin of doing. Every damned fuckin night.
Everything!
Dreamin that, maybe? She'll look at yer again. Just like she did that day. When yer very first turned around and saw her. Nearly put a bolt through her head.
Until she looked at yer. Those eyes all big and purple. Staring back like she's already a permanent part of yer.
Dreamin that, maybe? She'll like yer enough to hold yer, awake and asleep. Kiss yer back until yer both can't breathe.
Dreamin that, maybe? She'll make love to yer all night long. Love!  Not mind-numbing, soulless fuckin.
Dreamin that, maybe? She'll come to love yer enough....and eventually consider....
Merle's voice stomps its way up to the plate now. Bats that other one clean out of the ballpark.
'Little brother....ya so screwed.'
And I call her  crazy....huh?  🙄