Chapter 33 - "Take my pain away.."

                                    

                                          
I say my goodbyes to Bobby and tell him goodnight. 
We make our way to his car. Everything's a blur, a daze. 
                          
I climb inside beside him, his eyes are raw from the crying. I look in the mirror and see mine are even worse. Mascara is all down my cheeks, my lips are dry and chapped, my hairs a mess. 
                          
But I don't care. 
                          
I've never in my life been so grateful to anyone as much as I am right now for Hunter forcing me into this. Neither of us would of came here today. . Or any other day if it wasn't for him. 
                          
The ride to the hotel is silent. 
                          
Until we pull up outside. 
                          
"Lee what did you say to Bobby before we left?" He suddenly blurts out. 
                          
"I told him goodnight." 
                          
"No I heard you say.. us." 
                          
"You can say it. We earned the titles." 
                          
"It doesn't feel right." He puts his head down. 
                          
"I told him Mommy and Daddy would see him again one day and then we'll all be together again." 
                          
He takes a deep breath. 
                          
Then breaks down. 
                          
I climb over to him and climb onto his lap as if I'd be straddling him. Passers by would think that, however I'm comforting him I wrap myself around him and hold him tight just how he does with me. 
                          
"I love you." I whisper into his ear. 
                          
He calms down. 
                          
"I just don't know why we wasn't good enough, Lee you know? Why us that's the only question that I need answering." 
                          
Literally.. if my heart wasn't broken before? It is now. 
                          
"Because God hands angel babies to those who are strong enough to handle it, special enough to allow it. Remember?" 
                          
The words of the priest.  
                          
"I never seen his eyes Lee. You did I didnt." 
                          
I smile. I smile because he's never let any of this out before. But now? After visiting him? He is. 
                          
And the fact that that was ALL we had to do to get each other to talk? Angers me. Why would we be so stupid to think we could block the pain out? 
                          
"Close your eyes." I whisper. 
                          
"What?" 
                          
"Do it."
                          
He closes his eyes, as do I. 
                          
"Remember the first time you held him? Picture it. Now picture yourself talking to him.. telling him how much he looks like us both.." 
                          
His deep breathe intake that comes sudden mixes with hiccups. 
                          
"You see it don't you?" I whisper. 
                          
He opens his eyes. 
                          
"How did you do that?" 
                          
"I didnt. You did." 
                          
"Is that how you seen his eyes in the hospital?" 
                          
"I don't know. But thats how I've seen his eyes every day since." 
                          
"They are my eyes, Lee I seen them." 
                          
"I know. Beautiful." I stoke his face. 
                          
"It's time." He whispers. 
                          
I nod. I hate this but I nod. 
                          
"Once more." I whisper swallowing back tears. 
                          
He understands me straight away.