Prologue

                                    

                                          
NATE
We've all had that special friend.
The one who's been with you since childhood.  Through thick and thin, the Yin to your Yang.  Your total opposite in every way, but as much a part of you as a conjoined twin.
THE BFF!
The one who shared licks of ice cream with you but also shoved mud pies down the back of your undies.
They slept over at your house and jumped around on your bed, playing air guitar on an old tennis racquet. While you lip-synced to some pre-pubescent boy band.
Talked you into skipping school to spend the day in the park. Trying on makeup she nicked from her Mum. And by the time you got home? You looked like Krusty the Clown.
She dared you to drink a whole glass of Crème de Menthe, when you both attended your first 'adults free'  birthday party. Then held your hair back from your face as you said hello to Ralph  🤮
Repeatedly....over the poor birthday girl's bedroom balcony.
A personal note from moi:  Ummmm, if you ever read this Mrs Samson? I'm really and truly sorry....about the garden gnomes.
You made plans to travel the world together, as soon as she finishes Uni.  Repeatedly stabbing your fingers with drawing pins, which were meant for the world map on your bedroom wall.
Packed then repeatedly unpacked backpacks. In less than a year they'll contain all your worldly goods. As you stumble through picturesque villages in Nepal, followed by Europe.
Where you can finally put all those language lessons to good use as well. Hopefully won't offend anyone in the process  😣
Then suddenly and without warning, said BFF  disappeared into thin air. Going into a kind of bear-like hibernation with a final-year engineering student. The guy she always professed surely has head lice in his dreadlocks? But who did have a hot bod and was one hell of a kisser!
She then emerged months later. Having morphed herself from a bossy, self-aware yet endearing BFF  into something more sinister and disturbing.
The official girlfriend of a newly domesticated man with prospects!
That is when you really started paying the price of being the still SINGLE  other half of a BFF.
To slightly paraphrase the immortal words of Jane Austen....
'For the smart-mouthed female friend of a much loved-up couple must be lonely. And therefore must also be in want of a boyfriend to make her life complete'.
And so it began.
Firstly, the prospect parades. A never-ending stream of pimply, eager, sweaty youths....'who'll be just perfect for you, Nate'.
The endless round of dinner parties in their tiny kitchen. With you as the sacrificial 'dish du jour'.
They then left you alone. Getting to know each other better over cheap cask wine and chocolates from the bulk buy....for a whole agonising hour!
Wish I'd actually been old enough to drink the wine? It might've made those evenings more bearable.
Five little words.
That's all it took. The ultimate conversation and prospective romance killer.
Five little words  that're always asked in desperation to fill a silence. With no expectation of a coherent response.
And if you did answer? You know it was only your feeble attempt to create some kind of white noise in order to fill the silent vacuum. Until the BFF  slunk back into the room.
The prospect of certain death by zombie apocalypse is....right now? A far more appealing alternative than the thought of ever hearing those five little words.
Ever again!

Dictionary
BFF - Best Friend Forever
Undies - Underwear
Nicked - Stolen
Say Hello to Ralph - To throw up
Uni - University
Hot bod - Hot body