Chapter Nine

                                    

                                          
I come home later that night, still shocked with my own answer. The strangest part was that I didn't have to think or dwell on it, my response was just...natural. Jaime was pleased, the happiest he'd been in a long time. He said it was mostly just for reassurance, so that he could forgive himself for all the things he did in the past and finally move on, but I don't know how truthful that is. To me, it seemed more like he was literally just wondering if I would ever repair our relationship and get back together with him. It was all hypothetical, though, so none of it really makes that much of a difference.
                          
He drops me off at the house an hour or so later, saying I probably shouldn't stay over so long when I'm responsible for at least two other people.  Not that Mike really needs my supervision anymore (he's gotten much better, even said he's considering apologizing to Tony when he works up the courage), but he still worries me sometimes. Most of his time is spent drumming in his room or reading magazines about metal music and tattoos, meaning I don't see him a whole lot, but he's been making an effort to spend more time with me. It's something I appreciate wholeheartedly.
                          
Mike himself greets me at the door. "I made meatloaf," he states proudly. "You should try some. It's on some Gucci level shit, Vic."
                          
"Do me a huge favor and never say that again." He laughs and drags me inside by my arm, pulling me all the way into the kitchen where, sure enough, there is about half of a meatloaf placed on the table. Kellin is at the table, chewing away on something and monitoring Copeland while she feeds herself. It almost feels as though the two of them are more responsible and mature when I'm not around, but I quickly dismiss that thought. I dish myself out some of Mike's self-proclaimed "Gucci level" cooking and take a seat beside my boyfriend and his daughter.
                          
"So what were you out doing today?" Kellin pokes his nose into my business as I take a bite of the admittedly tasty meatloaf. It appears I've raised Mike well.
                          
"Went out with a friend," I reply with a nonchalant shrug. "Sometimes I forget I'm not doomed to my castle and I can actually leave to be social like a normal person." I laugh as Kellin gives me an odd look, his nose scrunched and eyebrows furrowed. "It's a joke, Kells."
                          
"I know, you're just weird," he teases. I missed this Kellin, and I'm hoping he doesn't leave again. I was beginning to forget what a normal conversation with him felt like, and, God, I don't want to forget something so nice. "So, I was thinking, this weekend I'm probably gonna hang out at Oli's and I wanted to know if you were planning on doing anything special with Copeland."
                          
"Well, I don't have any plans, but I'm sure I can think of something," I reply, making sure to keep the edge out of my voice. Right back over to a friend's and never spending any time at home. I want to tell him about how I miss his touch, miss sitting there with him and Copeland over the weekends, but I can't muster the courage. I don't want to annoy or anger him, so I instead bite my tongue and give a smile to finish off my reply.
                          
I hate how he never realized I said I loved him.
                          
The realization left a pang in my chest as I dump my plate into the sink, almost moving like a robot upstairs into the bedroom. I'm not followed -- something I figure by the lack of any sounds whatsoever upstairs. My head feels like it's spinning as a million thoughts pass through my mind, each worse than the next. There's a car driving circles around my brain, headlights blurring my vision and forcing me to sit on the bed and close my eyes. I rub my temples and let out a small sigh. I probably just stood up too fast, but that panic was real. There are things I'm worrying about without even thinking.
                          
It wasn't long before I was asleep, the weekend coming quickly after. Kellin acted strange, asking me a thousand questions about why I slept in my clothes on his side of the bed without saying goodnight or brushing my teeth or turning the lights out or doing literally anything. I had my bedtime ritual, and I was too tired to bother following it. Kellin accepted that and didn't dwell on the subject any longer.
                          
He dumped his minimal school supplies on our bed and began stuffing clothes into it, topping the pile off with a ball of socks, and then zipping it shut with a smile. "Sorry to leave you like this again," he said, the first time he had bothered acknowledging his actions. "But you gotta live while you're young, right?" He offered a playful punch to my shoulder as I simply stared at him. I nodded and let it go. This doesn't even feel like Kellin. 
                          
But maybe he isn't the one who changed. Maybe it's me and I can't tell.
                          
I was left with Copeland Mike, the latter of the two being responsible enough for himself so that I wouldn't have to keep a close eye on him twenty-four/seven. There was a while of me just sitting around before I decided on bringing Copeland out to the park, one of the few places she was rather tame at and never cried. I strapped her into the carseat, adjusting her mirror and toys, before piling into the front myself and driving us on our way.
                          
It only takes a few minutes before I'm pushing her stroller down a small gravel pathway cutting through an area of trees. There are squirrels roaming free, hunting for food, that are rather friendly instead of timid. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm walking aimlessly just trying to distract myself from the fact that I don't enjoy Kellin's company anymore. It's weird, the way I don't mind spending time with Copeland but dread being around Kellin.
                          
I never would have thought it would end up like this. I take a deep breath and think things over. I don't have a good reason to break up with him, surely. I can just squeeze the topic of him changing into a conversation and get his outlook on things. Nothing drastic has to be done. Nothing I'll regret in the future. But if I think what I'm doing is the right thing, will I be able to push aside the idea of regret in order to go through with it? Can I do anything at all?
                          
If I don't love Kellin like I used to, does he feel the same way?
_______
                          
it's only gonna keep going downhill from here, folks.