Chapter 33

                                    

                                          
Tim POV {Present}: 
I slept in my car last night. 
Why? I honestly don't know... Actually, on second thought, I do. I couldn't bring myself to sleep in my own bed for the first time since the shooting, and I also couldn't bring myself to go back to the hospital. So, I slept in my car. Given how drunk I was by the time I went out to my car, I slept just fine. 
Pulling into the hospital parking lot today has me feeling drained. I'm sure Kim and Mom are both going to pressure me on where I disappeared to yesterday. Walking onto the elevator feels like I'm on the way to my own execution. I don't want to be here anymore, and I don't want to be doing this any longer. If she's going to be okay, then I want her to wake up. If she's not, then it's time to let her go. This whole process has just been exhausting and daunting, and I'm just tired of this back and forth over whether or not my best friend is going to die. 
I walk toward her room, forcing myself through the door before I can second guess myself. I sit down beside Kim, causing them both to look at me. Kim reaches over and pats my knee, sparing a sad smile at me. 
"You okay?" She asks, leaving me a little confused. I glance up at Faith, studying every little feature for a moment. Her breathing tube that is taped around her mouth, her slightly bent fingers resting on each side of her hips, her pale lips that seem to blend with the rest of her, and her gently closed eyes.... It looks like someone has pulled the soul out of her, just leaving an empty shell behind. "Where were you yesterday?" She asks quietly. Mom looks across the bed at me, seeming interested in my answer. 
"I went to the studio and wrote for a while." I answer, seeing her nod. She glances across at Mom, who sighs. 
"Tim, you smell like whiskey." Mom spits out, making me cringe. I lean back in my chair, taking even breaths to avoid breaking down. She looks more sad than disappointed. "What's going on with you?" She asks softly, making me feel like I'm in an interrogation room. I cross my arms, shrugging a little, before looking at Faith once more. 
"I feel like I'm going insane..." I release, watching both Mom and Kim wince. Kim rubs my knee, before looking across to Mom. 
"What do you think is going to help you?" Mom asks, her voice so low it rasps. I rock slightly, before shaking my head. 
"I need to get back on the road." I let out, watching Mom widen her eyes and Kim open her mouth to object immediately. "And before either of you say no..." I say before Kim can speak, "... if Faith dies, which is looking likely now, and all I've done is sit here and wait hand and foot for her, it's going to crush me. If I'm out on the road, even a couple gigs a week, it'll give me something to shift my attention, so if she does die, I won't think that my world is crumbling down." I explain, seeing Kim lean back in her chair, thinking on it for a moment. 
"What if she dies while you're on the road?" Mom argues, making me cringe. I sit in thought for a couple seconds, before shrugging. 
"She died three months ago... and I think we all know that." I let out, a chill coming over the room. "I'm not going to pretend like some miracle is bound to happen. Even the doctor said, after a stroke that severe, she couldn't live off of machines." I try to reason, both Mom and Kim seeming to be brought down by my words. I don't mean to come off as harsh or vulgar, but I'm not doing myself any favors looking past the facts. 
"What about the girls?" Kim asks, making me cringe. "Don't you want to be with them when they get the news?" I sit still for a moment, looking up at Faith again. I nod, before taking a deep breath. 
"No matter where I tour domestically, I could be back here in two hours on a plane. We could hold off on telling them for two hours." I say, rooting through all of their what if's. Neither of them seem excited about the idea. "I need to get out of this town... I'm not doing myself much help just sitting around watching her die. If I spend all of this time waiting for a miracle, it's going to crush me... I know you guys don't understand it, but I can't keep doing this." I try to reason with them, like I need their permission. I guess I don't, but I still feel like without it, I probably wouldn't go. 
"I get it." Kim lets out, sighing. "I just really wish that you wouldn't. I think that right now, it seems like a good idea, but when you get out there, it's going to be probably the hardest thing you've ever done." Kim says, hitting me weirdly. "Maybe you need this time to just... to think. Collect your thoughts, and figure out who you are without her." Kim suggests while I nod. 
"I do, it's just... I can't do that here." I add, watching her nod. She looks at Betty, before looking at me. 
"I can talk to Curb, and see if they're okay with you going on the summer fair circuit. That way if you need to take a step back, the losses won't be as bad." She offers, making relief flood me. Mom sits quietly, clearly not fond of the idea. She crosses her arms, looking down at her knees. "You can go ahead and put together a setlist now, probably no more than seven songs, and I'll call around noon." She says, sounding hesitant still. I nod, and stand up, walking out of the hospital room.