Chapter {21}

                                    

                                          
[Normani Kordei]
~Rose Red or Blood? {21}
                          
It pains me to know that Im keeping a secret from the girls. But how would they feel if they
 knew? Probably kick me out or something. Maybe Im just overthinking this. After all thats happened I tend to think of the worst possible scenario.
                          
We are having an interview today and a show but my body says no. It isnt physically strong enouh to dance and move around a lot. When I had been tortured everything was slow with blury movements and the pain was blinding. Numb to the point i stopped feeling.
                          
Now it feels like everything had caught up. I can feel it now. I can feel everything now. The worst pain isnt on my body though. Its in my heart.
                          
When I joined the group I was thrilled. I fell in love instantly with the pounding of my heart as I preformed and to have them by my side was a plus. But when it was time for the Choosing Ceremony everything came crashing down on me like a weight. That was when Jennifer took over my life. 
                          
My family was gone and all I had were the girls. Everything I ever did was to protect them. I couldnt be selfish. If I did then everything would fall apart. And I hated it so much. I really do hate my life and sometimes I feel as if I should jump off the bridge. Succumbing to the darkness seemed pretty appealing at the moment.
                          
Especially now that Im back. Dinah and I were chosen to be together. My home girl. I love her and shes my best friend. But she fell in love with Lauren Jauregui. When that happened I fell in love with Camila. And it hurt.
                          
Every time I saw her or heard her voice I melted. My knees went weak and I ached all over for her. I dreamted endlessly of her and I knew i had it bad. My whole world was flipped upside down at the thought of loving again. 
                          
But after the night on the beach everything went wrong. That was the night I truely felt alone and worthless. I felt as if I had failed everyone. The weight of what happened to my family dropped on me like a stone. It was all because of me as well. Loving is destroying.
                          
I loved them and that ultimately destroyed my family. I love Camila and I destroyed her. She loved me and destroyed me. I love the girls and Im destroying them.
                          
Thats how love works.
                          
Just like it did now. As I watched Camila when we walked to the interview. With her mess of brown hair. The cute little black bow atop her head. Weird pinapple pants and crop top. It made absolutely no sense but if shes taught me anything its whatever.
                          
Seeing her made my heart ache. A pain words cannot describe. Dinah had her arm around me as we went in. There was no interview though. They told us it had been cancled and it wasnt long before it was show time.
                          
"Before we begin..." We were ready on stage but a voice called out. "Lets just see what band member, Normani Kordei, has caused."
                          
I look at the side screens and see my parents and siblings dead bodies. Roses in a flamming red are sprinkled beside them. Then theres Ally in blood on the ground. A masked person standing beside her with a whip.
                          
"Ally Brooke was chosen by her to replace her spot. Is Normani Kordei a murderer? Does she even care about-"
                          
But the voice had been drained in my ears. I felt the tears springing but I gritted my teeth and ran off stage. Where I found a white rose covered in blood sitting on the table. I collapsed beside it but didnt cry. I had no more tears. I had officially destroyed everything I had ever loved.
                          
Dinah, Camila, and Lauren all ran back. Camila moved forward but I flinched and backed away.
                          
"Get away from me." I said softly. "Im a terrible person. And Im leaving Fifth Harmony."