I was sitting in my room, bent over an empty sheet, the fountain-pen gripped tightly in my hand. "My dearest Zayn," I finally managed to write down, after what seemed like eternity. I wanted to just keep writing, saying what I needed to say, but I really couldn't. My hand wouldn't let me, it didn't move any further. I couldn't write down words I didn't dare to speak out aloud. Frustrated with myself I ran my hand through my hair, letting the fountain-pen fall to the paper, leaving a stain of ink on the sallow paper. Quickly I stood up, crossing the room, stopping in front of the big window. I stared outside for quite some time, watching my beautiful husband and our two little girls play in the garden under the warm summer sun. They ran through the soft grass giggling and laughing that loudly, even I could hear it from one floor above them. A smile instantly formed on my lips, being fully happy about how loving the girls and their father were. Like he had felt that I was watching my husband for ten years looked up at me now, flashing me one of his gorgeous smiles when he saw me. It was hard to return the smile, knowing what I had to do right now, but I did either way, I couldn't resist. after that I turned away from the window, determined to get these words, that wouldn't leave my lips, written down on that pale sheet. He had to know he deserved it. So I sat down again in front of the desk and took the fountain-pen between my soft fingertips.
"My dearest Zayn,
I hope you know how hard this is for me and I'm really sorry that all you will get is just this letter. I know it's not right but I just couldn't tell you these things, love, they just wouldn't roll off my tongue. When you read this letter I will already be gone and I know that this won't ever be enough but I'm afraid can't give you any more, even though I always got your everything. I'll try to explain everything to you the best I can, but I have to say that it's hard to find the right words to really show you how I feel. First of all I need to tell you that I love you. You were the love of my life and I don't think I will ever be able to forget about you because I have and will always love you. But that's only my side of the story, please don't feel the same! After I'm gone I don't want you to stay alone, I want you to find yourself a new wife, which can heal your heart and is a great mother to our lovely girls. You all deserve to live in a complete family...."
After a long time of carefully thinking my words through I lay the fountain-pen down, still not fully satisfied with the letter, because it never could say what I really meant but satisfied enough that I was ready to put it into the envelope, closing it carefully, pressing a small kiss with my painted red lips to the latch. Hoping that there wouldn't be too much tears, since I couldn't see any of my loves cry. After I locked the letter away safe from anybody to find it I went downstairs and out into the garden to my husband and kids. The girls instantly came running to me, wrapping their small arms around me. I couldn't believe that I wouldn't get to see them grow up, turning into beautiful woman, getting their period for the first time, having boy problems, getting their heart broken or choosing a dress for prom. I would never get to know my grandchildren. I will be just a blurry memory to my little girls. Now Zayn was also coming my way, smiling at me, while the girls ran off again, playing together. As my husband reached me he engulfed me in a light hug, smirking at me and making my heart flutter. Soon this smile will have left his face, just like I will have left his side, but right now he didn't know and that was good. It was right that I kept it a secret, I wanted to see them happy a little longer. They shouldn't know that cancer was eating me alive from the inside, I didn't want them to be sad in the last days they spend with me. I would go before they would know, so that we can keep that happy time we shared a memory of my last days instead of the sad story of my ordeal. The thought of leaving nagging in the back of my mind I put my lips on Zayns, giving him a passionate kiss, I would never forget.
