Something I Can Never Have

                                    

                                          
"This thing is slowly taking me apart, grey would be the colour if I had a heart"  ~Something I Can Never Have - Nine Inch Nails
                          
**Trigger Warning:  Self harm, suicidal ideation**
                          
Dear Charli,
                          
I haven't heard from you in quite some time. Please respond, let me know you're alright.
                          
I'll keep writing you until I hear something, anything. 
                          
Please love, tell me you're ok.
                          
All my Loving,
                          
JPM
                          
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Minnesota, late May 1960
                          
It was unseasonably warm, Mrs. Johanson had opened the large windows of the art room so her students could enjoy the warm breeze and the smells of fresh spruce coming from the backwoods.
                          
Charli sat at her easel, working on another piece for the art show. Her previous works had been colourful and showed her life in Liverpool. The piece she worked on now, was much darker...in the centre was an anatomically correct heart, red but graying halfway from the bottom up. A snake wrapped itself around the heart. The grey from the bottom of the heart dripped downward, at the bottom of a canvas was a girl, her hands covering her head, tucked into herself. The background of the canvas was splotchy black and grey paint.
                          
"Charli...this piece is so different," Mrs. Johanson said as she walked by her easel "So much emotion"
                          
Charli barely looked up, Mrs. Johanson noticed where she had tried hiding a bruise just under her eye with makeup.
                          
"Ta..." she said quietly. Mrs. Johanson sadly watched her continue painting.
                          
"Eddie, so nice of you to join us!" Mrs. Johanson smiled as the young boy with wild hair entered the room.
                          
"Always best to be fashionably late, Mrs. J!" He said.
                          
"Please, take a seat...get to work on your assignment," She said. Much as Eddie was always late, she did enjoy him as a student. Eddie walked towards his group of friends, stopping a moment to look at Charli's painting. 
"Damn..." he said under his breath, Charli hadn't heard. He slowly made his way back to his friends, still staring towards the Liverpudlian girl who didn't speak to many and had become even quieter.
                          
The bell rang, Charli finished a small part of the painting before she packed her bags. The rest of the class had already left in record time to enjoy the weather outside.
                          
"Charli," Mrs. Johanson said warmly "Can we talk?"
                          
"Sure.." Charli said softly.
                          
"I just want to make sure everything is okay," she began as she sat next to Charli "You have seemed...a bit sad. Is everything okay at home?"
                          
"As okay as they'll ever be..." Charli said. She hadn't even looked at Mrs. Johanson.
                          
"Honey," she said putting a hand on Charli's shoulder. Charli flinched slightly "Please, you can tell me what's going on. I'm worried about you."
                          
"I'm fine!" Charli said suddenly. Mrs. Johanson jumped, shocked at the sudden anger in Charli's voice. Charli calmed down "I'm sorry Mrs. Johanson....I just.....I hate it here."
                          
"In Minnesota?" Mrs. Johanson asked, "Sweetie, it's okay to be homesick..."
                          
"No.." Charli said interrupting her "Just here...this fucking planet...this stupid life..."
                          
Mrs. Johanson's heart sank.
                          
"Charli, please...I'm worried about you," she said placing her hand on her shoulder again "Why don't you come over after school, we can talk. I won't tell a soul."