chapter three

                                    

                                          


                          
The light coming from the bedside table was what woke Jimin up.
                          
His leg felt like it was set on fire when he tried to move his body into a more comfortable position. Mind still clouded up with sleep, he felt the mattress he was laying on being gently lowered, like someone was sitting on it, which made Jimin open his eyes and stare straight at Yoongi himself, who looked back at him with poorly concealed worry in his eyes if the lines on his forehead weren't clue enough. Something stung in Jimin's heart, seeing the way his hyung was looking at him; it almost seemed like he had harmed the elder instead of himself. Jimin didn't know what time was it, or if the others were already back or why Yoongi was looking at him with those small, sad eyes that was killing Jimin inside because he couldn't believe he had fucked up that bad. No one was supposed to know and now he did and Jimin couldn't believe how incredibly stupid he had been. A fuck up making even more fuck ups, what a beautiful mess Park Jimin had grown to be. Yoongi didn't stop staring and Jimin couldn't find it in himself to look away, even if it hurt looking at the older boy. His brain was still replaying the scene in his mind, the soft words Yoongi had whispered into his ear and how he had cradled the younger in his arms like he was afraid Jimin would vanish right in front of him if he let go. Jimin wondered if he deserved that kind of affection.
                          
The answer he reached was that no, he didn't.
                          
"Can we talk?" Yoongi, unsurprisingly, was the one to break the uncomfortable silence they were stuck in, making Jimin sigh in both relief and utter despair of knowing they would have to talk about it even when he had no idea what was there to talk - the way Yoongi had found him was answer enough to whatever question the elder had. He only nodded his head slowly, breaking his gaze away from Yoongi's and focusing on the blankets covering his body like they were now the most interesting thing in the world. They smelled like Yoongi, the thought suddenly popped up on his head, but Jimin decided to ignore it for the time being, "Do you mind if I ask you for how long this has been going on?"
                          
Jimin wanted to scream that yes, he did mind, because he didn't want to be talking about this, but he could only manage to mutter a few mumbles that sounded like "a few weeks" but Jimin himself wasn't really sure, the filter in his brain that usually helped him pick his words had apparently gone dead. Jimin could only envy it as he ignored the sharp breath he heard the other boy take, ignoring the tears starting to gather up again in his eyes because he had worried Yoongi and he felt so so bad because someone like Jimin didn't deserve to be cared for by someone like Yoongi. So the first words that fell out of the boy's lips was, "I'm sorry, hyung," I'm sorry for being a failure, I'm sorry for holding back the group, I'm sorry for being the fat one, the ugly one, the never-good-enough one. I'm sorry for being alive. "I'm sorry you had to see that." the words were spoken hastily and in a broken voice, Jimin's throat still pretty sore from all the crying. He moved his eyes from the covers to the bedside lamp that bled light into that small portion of the room, a quick glance to the right showed Jimin that it was night now, meaning he couldn't have slept for more than a few hours since it was already late afternoon the last time he remembered checking the time.
                          
"Don't apologize to me." that made Jimin look at Yoongi again, gazes locking, "I should've done something sooner." if Yoongi's intention was to make Jimin feel better, it made the exact opposite. Guilt was hurling in the pit of his stomach, making him feel like peeling his skin off just to make the feeling go away even if he knew it wouldn't work. But the only thing Jimin did was stare at the older boy with a blank expression and hollow eyes. Yoongi wasn't even making an effort to hide it how, eyes so full of worry for his younger friend that it made Jimin's chest hurt, something burning deep inside of it that made Jimin squirm uncomfortably on the bed, feeling extremely small under Yoongi's gaze that just wouldn't leave him.