chapter 57: wedding night

                                    

                                          
"i still can't believe we did it," tyler giggled as he flopped down next to his husband on the hotel room bed.
                          
josh grinned and pulled his husband closer to him, kissing is cheek. "i can. i've been dreaming of remarrying you since a couple weeks after the first time," he giggled.
                          
tyler blushed and smiled, snuggling up next to his husband and kissing his temple. "i cried thinking of your vows in the shower," he giggled.
                          
josh grinned and pecked his nose. "i figured," he said, tyler's red and puffy eyes giving it away. "it's ok, though. i cried while you were in the shower," he giggled. 
                          
tyler laughed and hugged his husband tightly, kissing his face over and over again. 
                          
and on that night, josh made a promise not only to tyler. but to himself, too.
                          
he would never, under any circumstances, put his hands on tyler in a way other than love again. 
                          
and he would never, under any circumstances, say anything to tyler that would make him feel anything but loved, important, and confident. 
                          
and he would always, every day, tell his husband the truth. he would tell him how he was feeling. he would tell him where he was going. he would tell him he is beautiful. the truth. 
                          
"what's going on in that colorful head of yours, joshua?" tyler asked as he ran his fingers through his husband's ridiculously bright yellow hair. 
                          
"the usual," josh said. "you."
                          
tyler nodded, kissing his husband's cheek. "and you know i love, trust, and forgive you?"
                          
josh hesitated but nodded. 
                          
"and what shows you those things?" tyler asked, really wanting his husband to believe it.
                          
"you letting me move back in. you letting me be your boyfriend again. you letting me hold and kiss you even though i could tell you weren't a big fan of it. you still, somehow putting my needs before yours. you letting me sleep with you and see you naked. you saying yes to me asking you to marry me again. you actually becoming my husband," josh carried on. 
                          
tyler smiled and nodded. "so you've got what? like, eight examples and reasons right off the top of your head. so believe it, baby. it's true. i've never lied to you before, have i?"
                          
"no."
                          
"so what makes this time different?"
                          
"nothing."
                          
tyler crawled on top of his husband, looking into his eyes, still able to read him like a book even after all these years. 
                          
"it's the sex thing," he said. "it's me not being ready. you think it's your fault, don't you?"
                          
josh didn't do anything. 
                          
"look at me, joshua," he said sternly, not starting again until josh was looking at him in the eye. "you are not the reason i'm not ready yet, ok? it's just... it's all me. and i'm so so sorry that i cant give that to you right now. i know how important it is to express love physically to you. just... i'm not ready, josh. maybe in a few weeks," tyler said. "b-but if you really, really want to try it, i can try."
                          
josh quickly shook his head, taking tyler's hands and kissing them. "no, baby. please stop trying to make this relationship all about what i want. i fell for it last time, but i won't be falling for it again. what you feel matters, tyler. it may not matter to you, but it matters to me. more than anything. and yes, honey. physically expressing love is really important to me, but if you aren't ready for sex, there are plenty of other things we can do together." 
                          
tyler just nodded, unable to help but feel terrible for not being able to give his husband what he saw as important just yet. 
                          
"if i believe that you forgive me, i want you to believe that it truly, truly is ok if we don't have sex for a while. or ever, for that matter. there're alternatives, honey," josh said, wrapping an arm around his husband. 
                          
tyler nodded and sighed, leaning his head on josh's shoulder. 
                          
"aww, baby. cheer up! it's our wedding night!" josh exclaimed, crawling on top of his husband. "you want... chocolate cake?" he grinned. "you want... to kiss? you want... to play mario kart?"
                          
tyler couldn't help but giggle. "all three at the same time."
                          
"but if i'm kissing you while we're playing mario kart i'll lose," josh pouted. he then giggled and shrugged. "eh. totally worth it."
                          
tyler giggled and blushed, hooking mario kart up to the hotel tv while joshua ordered the cake.
                          
"should be here in ten minutes," josh smiled as he hung up the phone. 
                          
tyler smiled and nodded, handing josh a controller as they assumed the position they were always in when the played mario kart.
                          
josh's legs were spread apart with tyler sitting between them, the smaller boy's back against his stomach. josh had his arms wrapped around tyler's waist as he held the remote, seeing it as an adorably fun way they could be physically close without doing anything sexual. 
                          
except, if tyler was winning, joshua would sometimes place a few kisses on his neck to distract him. 
                          
whoops.
                          
the two started playing, tyler pausing the game as he heard a knock on the door. 
                          
"yeah. um... room service for joseph-dun?" 
                          
tyler grinned. "that's us."
                          
josh came up behind him, hugging his waist tightly and pressing kisses to the top of his hair. 
                          
"thank you!" tyler said kindly as the delivery boy walked off. 
                          
and so the two sat and ate chocolate cake while playing mario kart on their second first night married. 
                          
and it was perfect. 
                          
absolutely perfect.
                          
just how they saw each other.