Chapter {05}

                                    

                                          
[Lauren Jauregui]
                          
~Dinner & a Show {05}
                          
Crap.
                          
I had kept staring at Dinan the entire time. The way she looks at Normani makes my skin boil. Im not in the mood. I should be the one Dinah stares at. No... I dont love her... Do I? My emotions are a mess. I spend every constant moment trying to convince myself I love Camila & not Dinah but that just makes it worse.
                          
The other thing is that us 4 girls are suposed to have a group date. Ally was invited elsewhere with troy and now I was stuck at the dinner booth. Normani and Dinah across from us. I couldnt keep my eyes off her!
                          
Dinahs hair was straight and she no longer had her baseball cap. Instead she had a pencil skirt and blouse. Shes so pretty... No. Grrrrr...
                          
In all honesty I didnt want to be here. I didnt want to have to put on a show. I didnt like the fact that ealier today I had been scrolling through instagram to find so many people shipping camren and making posts of us and Dinah as our captian. 
                          
If I had to be truely honest with myself, sometimes I feel as if I love her.
                          
But expressing that is a whole different story.
                          
She hides her emotions so well. Not to mention her exceptional acting. If it is acting. Normani and her have been inseperable and it literally makes my skin boil. I can only imagine that its the crushing blow of disappointment when you love someone who doesnt love you back.
                          
But like Cassandra Clare wrote in the Infernal Devices: "Its alright to love someone who does not love you back. As long as theyre worth you loving them. As long ad they deserve it."
                          
Everything would be fine if the "fans" just would let us be normal HUMANS! Treat us like people with feelings because we are. Unlike the fact that they think we dont. They seem to not care how any of us feel. Im honestly flattered I have so many fanpages and lots of love but the bullshit is that Normani, Ally, and sometimes even Dinah are so neglected. Half the "fifth harmony" fan pages are freaking Camren!
                          
Im sick and tired of it.
                          
Sick and tired of the acting.
                          
Tired of being someone Im not.
                          
But that doesnt matter to them now does it!?
                          
"Laur." 
                          
Dinahs voice brings me out of my thoughts. I realise a waiter is standing patiently with his notepad. "I'll just have a burger and fries." I say quickly. With a nod hes off.
                          
"You okay?" Asks Camila sincerely.
                          
I want to melt at it but something is boiling inside of me. A huge, rampaging anger. I really just feel like breaking everything. To smash something or do something crazy. To just be me for a minute, its all I ask. To do something worth while.
                          
My eyes land on Dinahs lips...
                          
I look to her eyes but they are that infuriating mask. Shes watching me. Thankfully Normani & Camila are wrapped up in their own conversation. I keep watching her. A slow smirk creeps onto her face.
                          
Something inside me snaps and I stand. "I need a minute." I say flattly.
                          
Camila immediatly jumps to me. "I'll come with-"
                          
"No Camz." I snap. She flinched and I gather my sensitivity. "I just need some air. Alone." 
                          
My tone leaves no room to protest and I walk out. Camly walking to the waters edge. Its late out and thank the lord no papartzi. (Sorry for aweful spelling)
                          
After a moment i hear the doors swing open and Dinah plops down beside me. Instead of talking she hands me a roll. Perfectly buttered. I smile thankfully at her as my hunger actually seems to come. I take a nice bite and finish it within minutes.
                          
"You okay?" Dinah asks softly.
                          
I lean my head on her shoulder and sigh. "Im not sure."
                          
"You dont love her, do you?" 
                          
"How can you tell?"
                          
"I can see it in your eyes. They dont sparkle like they do when your happy. In fact they have rather dulled." She adds thoughtfully.
                          
I smile to myself. She knows me so well.
                          
"You know I love you." She says. Its so plain and flat that ai dont realise how she means it until a bit after.
                          
"I dont." I say.
                          
She gives a painful chuckle. "It kills me. Lauren. It kills me. Everyday. Everykiss. Everymoment. It hurts. You dont even know how much. Normani doesnt love me. I know it by the way she kisses me. Maybe you would realise that if you hadnt been so wrapped up in Camz."
                          
I give her a pointed look. "But I dont love her-"
                          
"Thats obvious. But I can tell your trying. Trying to love her. You want to. But you dont understand that I love you. That Id wait a thousand snowstorms if it meant one day. One kiss. Your worth it and I dont think you know or realise how much it hurts."
                          
My head turns to face her. She looks so open. I can see her saddness, biterness, desperation. I can see the human emotion. 
                          
"Dinah-"
                          
Her lips crash into mine. Peeling off slowly, her taste lingering. "I had to do that. Just once. Before I lost you." Without another word her mask slips back on and she walks back inside.
                          
I stay out a while longer. Its not Dinah who gave me the envelope. Its not anyone I know. But when I open it I realise why I have it. Who its from.
                          
A picture of Camila and I. Photoshopped kiss. The word "#Camren" is printed below. In the upper left corner is a special note though. Written in a firey red.
                          
Convince me.