Arrangements

                                    

                                          
Its been two months since I've talk to her. I couldn't talk to her. It wasn't to hurt her. It was to stop myself from hurting her more. I was doing nothing but digging myself a deeper hole. I love her, god knows I always will but I guess it's really over. She slept with someone else. I know I got oral from Lisa but that wasn't intentional. That whole night makes me sick. It happened so fast. Lisa has been trying to be with me since the tour started and I kept telling her no, I love my wife. She literally pushed me onto my bed and pulled my pants down and just went at it. I was so shocked, I didn't even know what was going on. I was her one and only.... and now I'm not and it's ripping me apart. I didnt let her explain cause I can't handle hearing about it.
                          
The night my mom told me I was acting like my father really got to me. I am not my father. I have to do better. A lot better. I've been having an over the phone session with a therapist to help me. She made me write list of what is right and wrong with myself and Amber and my list was far too long. I knew I wasn't exactly the best person but I never realized how bad of a person I am. It's killing me. I can't look at myself, I tore my marriage apart, I've hit my wife multiple times...... I don't deserve my family, I don't this life.
                          
I sit on my bed having a panic attack, I'm losing everything. This has been happening almost every night. I grabbed my phone and started texting Dre, "Do you hate me?" I asked. I set my phone down,rubbing my hands down my face, how do you fix a person as fucked up as me. Amber has tried for years, I thought I was better but here I am, still the piece of shit I was 15 years ago. My phone went off, she texted back, "I couldn't even if I tried cause I have tried." She said. Its awful how a person like Amber could love someone like me. When everyone had given up on me, she was there. She always believed in me.... till now. I have no one.... 
                          
I sipped on my bottle of vodka as I look out the window of the penthouse I was staying in. I felt my phone vibrate, "Hello?" I answered unwillingly. "Daddy?" I heard Harmonys sweet voice call back.  I smiled lightly. "Hey princess." "What you doing daddy?" She answer.  "It almost midnight babygirl. Why are you up?" I asked concerned. "I don't feel good." She said sad. "What doesn't feel good?" "My tummy." She said as she started crying. "Where's your mom?" I asked.  "Sleeping. I don't wanna wake her." She cried.  I sighed..  "I'll wake her up babygirl. I can't do anything from here." "Okay daddy. I love you." She sniffled. "Love You more." I said hanging up. I hung my head, knowing I had to talk to Amber. I dialed her number,  after 3 rings she answered.  "Mmm hello?" She answered. A lump formed in my throat, "hello?" She said again. "Um Harmony just called me." I said.  "Michael? " she questioned. "Yeah." I said with my eyes closed trying to get through this.  "Why did she call you?" She yawned.  "Her tummy hurts." "Oh, why didn't she get me?" She asked. "She didn't wanna wake you." Then it was silent. "Oh I hear her crying." She said getting out of bed. She took the phone with her, I heard harmonys crying getting louder. "Oh my God! She threw up!"  She gasped. "Okay I gotta go." She sighed. "Okay....bye." I said hanging up. I gripped the phone, hating I'm not there to help. We are finally in the states, but I'm all the way in Miami. I heard my door open, I looked back to see Lisa. I turned back around,  taking a big swig of my vodak. I gotta be drunk  to deal with her.  I felt her hands rub my chest. "I'll be in your room." She stated then walking away. I took another big swig then followed. She laid on my bed, my hands were still shaking. "Still having panic attacks?" She asked. I nodded running my hands through my hair. "What did you do with those pills I gave you?" She asked. "They're  right here." I said pointing to my night stand. "Take them. They'll help." she said. I took them in my hand, and went into the bathroom. I throw my head back, throwing the pills in my mouth. I'm gonna have to be really fucked up, to fuck her again. I feel disgusting even touching her. I swallowed the pills and stood there for a good 5 minutes. I walked out, back to my room taking my vodka bottle, chugging it. I don't even taste it anymore. I looked over to Lisa as she was trying to be "sexy"....  "mikey...." she whined. I rolled my eyes, I had my phone looking at pictures of Amber. "What are you- ugh! WHY! She left you! She fucked someone else! She doesn't want you, I do!" she shouted. This is how she got me to sleep with her the first time, shouting at me how much Amber hates me. I closed my eyes, everything was getting blurry and distraught. I pushed her aside, walking out the room but only to find my whole body smacking down onto the floor and everything went black.