Just Hold Me

                                    

                                          
My parents' screaming continued - as per usual for a Friday night. I didn't even know what they were fighting about this time. It could be bills, or chores, or time, or work, or me. Recently, they had been arguing a lot about me. Who I should go with if they split, what my curfew was, how many chores I should have, my grades, whether I should be dating Shawn, and other random things. 
                          
I was sick of the fighting, but there was nothing I could do about it. I buried my face in my pillow and let the tears fall. I didn't remember when the fights started exactly, but we used to be a happy family. We would go out to eat and go on road trips and vacations. I couldn't remember the last time they took me out for anything. Every single time they got in a fight, I cried out of frustration and sadness. I couldn't sneak out because they would notice, and then they'd move on to screaming at me. 
                          
Shawn knew about the fights, but I had never asked him to come over. I didn't want him to have to endure the screaming, too. He had offered to come over plenty of times, though. Every time I mentioned it, he would ask if I wanted him to come over, but I always turned him down. Tonight was different though. I wanted someone with me. I wasn't sure what was different about tonight, but I just felt really fed up, and I didn't think I could handle being alone. 
                          
I reached for my phone. 
Me: Can you come over?
My parents are fighting again, and I just don't want to be alone
                          
He responded almost immediately. 
                          
Shawn: Of course. I'll be there in 5ish minutes. Just stay right where you are
                          
Me: Ok. Thanks❤️
                          
I tried to stop the tears and wipe them away before Shawn could see me. It didn't work though. I was having an anxiety attack 5ish minutes later when he climbed in my window. He came in and immediately dropped to crouch in front of me. He brushed my hair out of my face with one hand and wiped a tear from my cheek, but more followed. 
                          
"What do you want me to do? Do you wanna get out of here?" His voice sounded strained. 
                          
I would love to get out of here, but I couldn't. I was shaking with sobs, and I couldn't breathe; it felt like my lungs, and entire body, were caving in on me. I knew there was no way I could get the words out. Instead, I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around his shoulders, hoping he'd get the message. 
                          
He did. He carefully pulled me off the bed and into his lap. He leaned against the bed, and I sat in between his legs with my back against his chest. His arms snaked around me and crushed me against him. The pressure of his arms, his heartbeat thudding against my spine, and his breath on my neck soothed me. 
                          
"Close your eyes and take deep breaths," I heard him whisper. "Breathe with me." He inhaled and exhaled slowly. I closed my eyes and tried to match his pace. I focused on the sound of his breathing, trying to drown out everything else. I kept breathing with him until I stopped shaking, and the tears quit falling, which took a few minutes. 
                          
I turned around into a straddling position, so I could face him. He crossed his legs Indian-style to create a convenient place for me to sit. He carefully watched my face with worried eyes. 
                          
"Are you okay?" he asked, reaching up to wipe a tear stain from my cheek and brush a strand of hair behind my ear. 
                          
"Better now that you're here," I smiled faintly. "Thank you."
                          
"Of course. I told you that you could text me anytime, and I meant it." His eyes were still worried. "I also meant that I would take you out of here. We can still go if you want. We can leave the country if you want. Just say the word, and we'll go."
                          
I shook my head. "I want to, but I can't. I'm not legal yet, and there's no way my parents would let me go."
                          
He sighed, "I know. I didn't really expect the answer to be yes. What can I do, then? I can't watch you in pain like this. I can't." His voice cracked on the last syllable. 
                          
I looked down and moved his hand from my waist to hold it between my hands. I stared at his long fingers, gently toying with his ring, for a few seconds. Shawn's gaze followed mine. He took his other hand and easily covered mine. "Say something. Please," he whispered. 
                          
I swallowed hard before speaking. "I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know what's going to happen in an hour from now, much less a year. But right now, I need you. I need you to just be here."
                          
He nodded and wrapped his arms around me again, holding me tighter than before. I slid my arms around his neck, and pressed my face against his hair, breathing in his warm scent. He gently rocked us back and forth for a few minutes until I suggested that we move to the bed. 
                          
And he held me. He held me until late in the afternoon of the next day. And that was all I needed to be okay. 
                          
__________________________
I like this one. I think it's kind of relatable because there are lots of times where you want someone to just shut up and hug you. 
August 20, 2017
-❤️