Chapter 15~ Wanting Home, Wanting Him...

                                    

                                          


                          
!!!!!!PLEASE NOTE!!!!!!
                          
There IS angst and self-hatred in this chapter. PLEASE BE WARNED. THERE IS ANGST AND SELF-HATRED IN THIS CHAPTER. Thank you. 
                          


                          
Y/N'S POV
                          
It had started to rain as you were walking home. 'How ironic.' The rain was coming down steadily, drenching your suite. You were shivering, your shoes squishing with each step you took.  You could care less. You just risked everything, and lost it all. "I can't believe I kissed him like that..." You muttered to yourself. It felt good, so good. But after seeing his face...
                          
 Alexander hadn't come for you. You weren't expecting him to anyway. You started to recognize the buildings around you, and tried to step up your pace. 'Almost home.' After a few more blocks, you spotted your apartment. You quickly made your way inside and went up to your floor. Before anyone could see you, you unlocked your door and ran inside. 
                          
You leaned back against your door, drenched and panting. You weren't really sure what caused it, but you just started to break down again. You slid to floor and cried. You couldn't stop this time. You didn't want to. You let the tears fall and keep falling. 'You're such an idiot.' You thought, hugging yourself tightly. You felt a scary self-hatred bubble up in your stomach. You hated yourself for allowing yourself to fall for him. You hated yourself for caring about him so much. All of this Alabama church services from back home suddenly started flooding your memory. 'Abomination!' Preachers would spit, 'Hell fire rain upon you! Let the lord smite them down in their wickedness!' 
                          
You shakily picked yourself up from the floor, and walked to a candle to light your room. You had to gasp to catch your breath. The tears were starting to hurt your throat and eyes. Still shivering violently from the cold, you began to rip your clothes off and change into dry pajamas. You stumbled and sat down on your desk chair, opening a drawer and grabbing for the flask the laid inside. You had bought it after the night when you got into a bar fight, so that you wouldn't have to go out and dink dangerously again. You threw your head back and took a large swig of the harsh whiskey. 
                          
It stung but felt good, so you let it be. 'How could I turn into this? How could I allow myself to love another man like that? ' The thoughts irritated you, and made you want to break something. It made you want to scream. You felt grimy and sick, and wanted to peel your own skin off. You remembered the letter you had written to him, and tentatively pulled it out.You thought about what would happen if you had actually given this to him. You scoffed. "He would probably tear it up and spit right in my face." You thought about Alexander then. What was he doing right now?
                          
'Probably hating you and going to report you to someone for harassment.' He probably viewed you as some disgusting monster. Sadly you had to admit, when you kissed him, you had dared to hope he would kiss you back. Just slightly, to show he felt all of the same confusing emotions that you feel. 'But he didn't, and now he hates you.'  You put your head in your hands, starting to cry again. 'I have to get out of here.' You sighed and looked out of the window and at the city. Ever since you had gotten here, you had been scared and frightened of your emotions. You had turned into something of an abomination. 'An abomination...' 
                          
You grabbed your suitcase from under your bed and began throwing everything inside of it. All of your clothes, your flask, everything. You had to escape or you would suffocate under it all. You quickly wrote a letter to your land lady, thanking her for her hospitality and informing her she would be paid in full next week. You changed, grabbed your coat, letter, key, and suitcase and headed for the door. As you grabbed the door-knob you lingered... You turned back around and looked at your letter to Alexander, still waiting for you upon the desk. After a moments hesitation, you quickly strode over, picked up the letter, and exited your apartment. 
                          
You left the key and letter on the front desk downstairs, moving as fast as possible. You still remembered the way to the train station by foot, and if you moved quickly enough you might be able to catch a train. With a heavy heart you tugged your suitcase along side you, escaping the city you once welcomed so openly. 'Goodbye Alexander.' And with one single tear, you fled to the station...
                          


                          
(THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE STORY!!! Just wanted to state that incase anyone got the wrong idea lol).