Chapter 15

                                    

                                          
TRIGGER WARNING: internalized homophobia, swearing, mention of suicide attempt 
                          
All thoughts in italics are Evan's thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.
                          
I swear things will get happier!
                          
Thoughts are Connors
                          
"Family of Evan Hansen?"
                          
"That's us." Heidi spoke, standing up from her chair so fast her purse tumbled from her lap. Connor caught it, standing up almost as fast. 
                          
"He's in quite a bit of pain. We can't give him anything for it, so he's just going to have to push through. He's conscious and will be for a while, but he's weak." The nurse began to explain, being cut off by a sigh from both Heidi and Connor. 
                          
"But, he's okay? Like, physically?" Connor asked, feeling his heart rise in his chest with relief.
                          
"Yes, physically he should be okay. We will need to keep him here a few days for physical observation, not counting the psychiatric care. The pills he took were strong, we are worried about possible liver damage. So far, he doesn't have the signs, but we need to make sure. You're the one that brought him in, right? His boyfriend?" 
                          
"Y-yes ma'am." Connor blushed, sharing a surprised side glance with Heidi. 
                          
"You're Connor?"
                          
"Y-yes?"
                          
"He talked about you a lot once we got him back to consciousness. Evan wanted to make it clear it wasn't your fault. He said if you hadn't offered going somewhere, he probably would be dead. There's truth to what he said. He only passed out because he was hyperventilating and the medication increased breathing difficulty."
                          
"So if Connor hadn't been there..." Heidi began to say, receiving a nod from the nurse.
                          
"He would have died." The nurse paused. "I can take you to see him."
                          
"Can we have a minute?" Heidi asked, turning to face Connor. "If there's anything I've learned from family therapy it's that we can't blame ourselves unless we need to. And Connor, we don't."
                          
Connor nodded, allowing himself to take a deep breath. "I saved his life? I think I'm why he took them in the first place."
                          
"If I may," the nurse intervened, "he confessed it was a form internal homophobia. It would have happened sooner or later. His broken arm was an attempt or self harm we assumed, so he was just having it rough. He took the medicine himself because he wanted to do something, not because he hated you. I've seen this before sadly."
                          
"Can we just see him now?" Connor begged, not wanting to talk about this topic anymore.  
                          
"I concur."
                          
"Right this way." The nurse said, leading the two of them to an elevator. Silence lulled over them for thousandth time that night, putting an angry pressure on their chests. 
                          
The door dinged, breaking through the tension. 
                          
"One last thing, do not raise your voices or say anything that could work him up. He needs to remain very calm." The nurse stopped, placing a hand on the doorknob. She waited for both to nod in acknowledgment before slowly opening the door. 
                          
Evan was propped up in a bed, a pillow clenched to his chest. His broken arm was clasped over the pillow, his good arm poked with an IV needle. His body was drenched in sweat, yet he shivered almost violently. Brown eyes connected with Connor's, glancing away to look at his mom. 
                          
"Evan..." Heidi whispered, gently taking a seat beside her son on the bed. Connor pulled over a chair, doing his best to keep things quiet. 
                          
"I'm sorry." Evan murmured, relaxing as his mother gently placed a hand on his cheek. 
                          
"I know, sweetie. I know. I love you so much." She added, gently placing a kiss on her son's forehead. He winced in pain, his stomach cramping in pain from it being pumped. 
                          
"I love you too, mom." He replied, adjusting his head to face Connor. Evan's eyes drooped, his eyelids covering most of the soft, brown iris'. "I heard y-you're my b-boyfriend." 
                          
"It was impulse. They wouldn't tell me anything unless I said that. I'm sorry if it hurt you more." Connor whimpered, gently placing his hand on Evan's arm, above the IV. 
                          
"No... I actually... it h-helped. I'm sure you heard about the i-internalized h-homophobia."
                          
"I did and dude, how the fuck does it help for me to say you're my boyfriend?" 
                          
Evan laughed weakly, his laugh leading to a soft cough. "Makes it official I g-guess. I-I could f-f-fight it easier when it was a-all in m-my head. Now it's real."
                          
Heidi opened her mouth, deciding to cut in. "And honey, I'm glad you have a boyfriend. Remember, I don't really care who you love. As long as they make you happy."
                          
"Do I make you happy?" Connor couldn't help but wonder, replaying the events in his head. 
                          
"You do. I-it's my issue. I'm sorry I scared you." Evan's voice faded, adjusting as he moved to a new position on the stiff hospital bed. 
                          
"Just don't fucking do it again. Ever."
                          
"We love you too much Evan."
                          
"I'm sorry."
                          
"Don't be." Heidi and Connor simultaneously spoke, both giving Evan's arm a gentle squeeze of reassurance. 
                          
"C-can I try to sleep?" Evan asked, not waiting for a reply before closing his eyes. Heidi kissed his forehead again, whispering an 'I love you' before moving to a chair across the room. 
                          
Connor stood from his chair, hesitantly moving the shirt bangs from Evan's forehead. He placed his lips on his new boyfriend's skin, gently leaving a soft kiss. Evan's lips twitched into a smile, his breath steadying. 
                          
I love you, Evan Hansen.