8. Feelings And Thoughts

                                    

                                          
Ab kisi aur se mohabbat kar loon
Toh shikhwe mat rakhna
Akhir yeh adaa bhi toh tumse hee seekhi hai.
                          
Translation:
"Now don't complain if I fall in love with someone else.
I've learned this bad habit from you, after all."
                          
I was in ecstasy. I felt peaceful. I had no nightmares. I felt like I'm in heaven. Close to my Mumma. I felt warm. I felt comfortable. I felt happy. I felt like my older self. A sharp light felt on my face disturbing my blissful ignorance. I cringed my forehead and tried to hide my face in the pillow but it was too hard. What the hell! What happened to my pillow today? I shoved my face harder in the pillow trying to get some comfort but it only felt harder and harder. Finally giving up I opened my eyes which were wide opened when I realized it wasn't my pillow anymore but my dear husband's well built chest. Shit! I immediately raised my head in panic to check whether he was awake or still asleep, only to find him snoring lightly.
                          
As I stared at his beautiful, sleeping face, yesterday's incident flashed through my mind. Who is he? Koi insaan apne andar itni kadwahat (bitterness) aur dard kaise rakh sakta hai?
                          
I gently caressed his neatly trimmed cheeks, gliding my fingers smoothly to his lips and jaws. He was beautiful, a fine specimen, none compared to his charms. He was always beautiful, even when he was just a young playboy or now, when he's a married man.
                          
I tried getting up, only to fall back on his chest. I released a relaxed sigh on finding him still asleep. I looked around to find the reason why I couldn't get up and found myself totally enclosed within his strong arms that were holding me in  place by my waist. I tried removing his arms but nothing worked in fact, I eventually gave up when he stirred in his sleep. He turned towards me and pulled me closer to him, with our chests almost touching and rested his head in the valley between my neck and chest. I breathed heavily as I felt his warm breath on the skin of my neck and chest. I could feel my heartbeats matching their pace along with his, which thumped against both of our chests. Suddenly I grew aware of our closeness and felt my cheeks growing warm. I tried moving back but felt myself, not misplaced even a bit. I sighed and gave up on the idea of wriggling and disturbing his sleep. I laid back and stared at his peaceful, well structured face. This was the first time I noticed him so closely but this wasn't the first time we slept this close to each other.
                          
I still remember when our marriage completed nine months and I was still traumatized by mumma's death. I became distant and depressed. I never even realized that I've some responsibilities as a newly wedded bride but this family understood and supported me.
                          
FLASHBACK
                          
I tried sleeping but nothing worked. I was getting insanely crazy with all the memories of my happy place with mumma and Manik. I tried changing positions to get myself comfortable but nothing helped. Defeated, I reached out for the prescribed sleeping pills and gulped two of them to get some relief from this mental torture. I sighed and turned my gaze towards my right only to find Advik sleeping on the couch. His forehead was wrinkled with frowns indicating that he was stressed and of course, because of me.
                          
Yahan par bhi mai sabke dukh ki wajah hoon. Pehle Manik, phir Fab5, phir mumma aur ab.. Advik. I hurt everyone around me. Manik was right. I deserve only pain and sorrows.
                          
I slumped back on the pillow and closed my eyes and soon darkness engulfed me. I saw a girl with long, black hair standing by a beautiful lake. All at once, she turned back. She was me. She was smiling looking at someone. I turned back and found a beautiful lady advancing towards her. She was Mumma. My Mumma. She went and sat with her, who kept her head on Mumma's lap, who caressed her hair.