34; saudade

                                    

                                          
"saudade [sou-dahd,dahj]"
                          
— 
                          
(noun) A Portuguese, untranslatable word romanticizing nostalgia in its purest form. This beautiful feeling captures the yearning for someone or something that you love, which is now lost. It is a melancholic longing. Saudade's pronunciation varies according to the speaker and country, which only adds to its sincerity and vulnerability.
                          


                          
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I go to Zach's flat and wait for him there, wearing his shirt and knee-high socks, drinking hot chocolate. I don't even know why I came here instead of just going to my house. I want to confront him about it, throw him off guard so he's not prepared.
                          
I've already packed all my things and they're waiting for me to take them with me when I leave. I want to hear what he has to say about this, even though it means I'm torturing myself.
                          
I've come up with so many reasons as to why he'd say something like that and none of it looks good or works in his favour. What I've heard was completely coincidental and I could say I was in the right place at the right time. I deserved to know that. I deserved to know that the man I fell in love with and got me pregnant made a fool out of me, probably laughing with his friends about my idiocy.
                          
When Zach arrives home, he gives me a warm smile the instant he spots me on the couch, wearing his clothes. He often complimented how sexy I look when I wear something of his. Was that a lie, too? 
                          
I sip on the hot chocolate so I can hide my expression. Zach swings his gym bag on his shoulder and doesn't stop walking until he's right in front of me, placing a kiss on my mouth. "Hey, flower. Have you eaten?"
                          
I shake my head. "I'm not really hungry." 
                          
Zach frowns a bit. "Let me just take a shower and you can eat with me after," Zach says.
                          
I don't say anything to him, don't contradict him because I'm still mulling over the words I heard at the ice hall. I can barely believe he would do something like that. He's been such a nice guy to me from the start but sometimes, the people you thought were the best ones you've met in your life, turn out to be the worst. 
                          
I give Zach a tight smile and a small nod, bringing my cup in front of my lips so he can't kiss me again if he tried to. 
                          
I enjoy the view from Zach's living room. It might be the last time I'll see it, after all. The thought leaves such a sour taste in my mouth, despite drinking the sweet hot chocolate that I made so it could calm me down and soothe the ache in my chest a little. 
                          
When Zach returns, he wears only a towel wrapped around his hips and a wild look in his eyes. "Are you planning on going somewhere?" His steps are fast and he comes standing before me with his hands placed on his hips.
                          
I move my eyes past his amazingly sculpted chest. I don't like that he's towering over me, so I stand up, too, even though he's still way taller than me. "Yes, actually."
                          
Zach crosses his arms over his chest. "Why?" 
                          
I cross my arms over my chest, too. "I went to the ice hall today because I wanted to surprise you. I heard you and the boys talking in the changing room."
                          
Zach eyes my plaster on the leg. "You went on the bus with your plaster again?" There's an angry undertone crawling into his voice.
                          
I wave my hand. "That's not important."