Lonely

                                    

                                          
I sat at the dinner table, wedged between Sasha and Floss, and opposite Tyler. I didn't feel like eating. I didn't feel like doing anything. I sat with my head resting in my hand, and used the other hand to pick at my food with my fork. I hadn't even had one bite, and the table was pretty much silent.
                          
"Marie, at least try to eat something" Mai Lee said sympathetically as she came and stood behind Tyler's chair. I didn't react. I didn't even look at her. 
                          
"Well, I'll have it if you don't want it" Tyler offered, probably as a joke.
                          
"Go for it" I said as I slid the plate across to him, then got up and went upstairs. Still, nobody said anything.
                          
When I was with Candi, I was alright. She distracted me. Well, before we had our fallout. Then, when I was texting Ryan, I was happier than I've been the rest of the day. But now that Ryan is gone and Candi is mad at me, I just feel so down. 
                          
It feels like, nobody really gets what's going on. But at the same time, nobody is asking what's going on. Nobody cares about how I feel, or at least nobody is showing that they care.
                          
Maybe this is the type of pain they do on about in all the movies. The type of pain that simply can't be healed. You just have to wait until it fades. But living here, being somewhere that reminds me of him all the time won't let that happen. This isn't fair. 
                          
I flopped down face first onto my bed. I'm so done with today. I want today to reverse itself and never happen and go back to like a week ago when everything was all happy and nice and good and simple. Yeah, those were the good times.
                          
----------
                          
After a while, there was a knock at the door. I didn't respond, but I listened as someone pushed the door open.
                          
"I brought you some food" Jody said as she placed a tray on my desk that had a foil covered plate and a glass on it. "You missed dinner"
                          
"I don't want any food" I said bluntly.
                          
"You know" she started lightheartedly "you should really move this desk to the other side. And the drawers. Then the room will be more spread out..."
                          
"Shut up Jody!" I snapped. I know she's trying to be nice, but I don't want to hint about moving the furniture back to Ryan's side yet. 
                          
"Ah come on, I'll help you if you want. Two pairs of hands is better than one..."
                          
"No! I don't want your help will you just leave me alone?!"
                          
"Fine by me!" She snapped, then stormed off. Slamming the door on her way out. I know I shouldn't start isolating myself and pushing people away again, but I can't help it. It's like when Ryan isn't here I don't trust myself to let anyone else in so I choose to just suffer alone. It's bad but it's easier than getting involved.
                          
I wonder if Ryan is available to call or text or something. He had to go earlier, but maybe he's back now? But then if he is, why hasn't he texted me already to see if I'm back and ready to text?
                          
I went in my phone and opened up the FaceTime app. Ryan is the only person who's email I have saved on here. Everyone else's numbers are here so I can text, but I can only FaceTime Ryan.
                          
I clicked on his contact and smiled at his goofy picture, before pressing call. That blue screen came up with his contact on it and the ringer sounded. I waited. He didn't answer. Call unavailable. Great.
                          
So, he isn't there. If he was he would have answered. Maybe he's just in the shower or something. Mind you, where Ryan is, it's five hours behind. So really it's like mid afternoon. Maybe he is finally unpacking or doing something with his family. 
                          
It makes me feel sad. Not that Ryan is happy, because that's obviously a good thing, but that he's happy without me. I don't think he's ever not answered the phone to me and I don't like how it feels.
                          
I just feel so down and alone and I know it's my fault. I'm the one pushing people away and I'm the one who's causing my loneliness and really I should be happy but I'm not. It's not good trying to feel good when you don't feel like feeling good, you know?
                          
I put my phone back onto the bedside table and lay face down on the bed again, my head buried in the pillow. I know I should eat the food Jody brought. I know I should apologise to both her and Candi, and I know if I do that will make me feel much better. But I also know that all those ideas sound way less appealing than just lying her on my own and not doing anything.
                          
You could say it's boring and it probably is, but I'd much rather be in my own world, than surrounded by people who are only going to get mad at me for expressing myself.
                          
That's it, that's the thing. People say you're just seeking attention or doing it to make a scene. Saying you never show any honest signs of feeling the way you do. But that's only because when you show them how you're feeling they end up punishing you for it and turning it back on you and forcing you to apologise for having those extremely valid feelings and responses.
                          
And now I don't know what to do. I want to be on good terms with people but if I try they'll only make me feel worse for it and make me look like the bad guy, when really, I think they should have been trying to see things from my perspective.
                          
Is this how Ryan always felt when I moved away? Is this how it feels to be the one left behind? I thought it was bad being the one who had to leave and face all the changes, but now I see that really that's the best place to be in because more opportunities and changes means more chance of moving on.
                          
Is that what I need to do? Do I need to move on? I don't want to move on and I'm not ready to move on, but what if Ryan already has? I mean, let's face it as soon as he's on good terms with his family and settled in to his new life, theres nothing at all stopping him from just losing all touch completely. What do I have to offer? Nothing. What will he want from me? Nothing. What do I have that his new life doesn't? Nothing. I would be a waste of his time and a burden to his memories. In other words, he'd try to forget me.
                          
M: Hi Ryan. Are you there??
                          
M: I need to talk to you x
                          
M: Text me when you can xx
                          
I don't know why I sent that. Now I look desperate. He might not even text back. Or if he does, I'll probably be asleep and won't see it on time, and that will be the start of the slow reply game. Replies getting slower and slower until eventually, they just stop. And you're left wondering if things could have gone differently if you just threw away your pride and texted back immediately or as soon as you saw the message. But no. Humans are too worried about how we come across, and not worried enough about how our loved ones see us and if they love us any more.
                          
----------
                          
I don't know how long I've been lying here for, but the house has gone quiet. So either everyone is sleeping or at least everyone has gone off to bed. I haven't moved in ages. Maybe I fell asleep, but I don't remember.
                          
I woke my legs up and forced my slightly stiff joints to move again, and stood up and stretched. It felt good. But not as good as having Ryan here with me.
                          
I looked round the room and internally sighed at the fact that I didn't get round the moving the furniture today, and I have no desire to move the furniture tomorrow, or ever. At least not on my own. But everyone is mad at me so it's not like anybody is gonna offer any help now is it?
                          
I got changed into my pyjamas then put on the hoodie that Ryan left behind. It still smells like him and gives me the illusion that he is still here with me. I guess I feel more comfortable with it, but at the same time I know I need to learn to not rely on a hoodie and at some point I need to get rid of it. But that point isn't now so I'm going to enjoy it while I can.