When I Fall

                                    

                                          


My job is to save lives and if I wasn't able to do that with Cal, what am I even doing here?
                          
 
"Cal was a good Doctor and more importantly, a good friend".  Charlie was speaking to everyone at Cal's wake.  Ethan was only half listening to what was being said. "He loved his brother very much, right up until the end...".  Charlie broke down in tears.  Duffy took his hand and led him away.  Ethan looked over at Dylan questioningly. Why had Dylan told him that Cal had been unconscious? Dylan noticed Ethan looking at him. Dylan didn't want this inevitable conversation here, so got up and left.  He knew that Ethan would follow him.  He'd made it all the way to the very spot that he'd found Cal before he heard Ethan shout. "Why did you lie?".
                          
Dylan stopped and closed his eyes. "Were you ever going to tell me?", Ethan spat. "Look at me!".  Dylan flinched as Ethan grabbed him and roughly turned him round. He couldn't look at Ethan, which frustrated the younger man even more. Ethan pushed Dylan up against the building. He didn't realise that Dylan was shielding his face. "You found Cal. He asked for me didn't he?". Dylan nodded, letting his arms drop to his sides. He finally looked at Ethan.
                          
For a man who rarely showed emotion, the raw emotion on Dylan's face right now said it all. "I found him right here". Ethan strained to hear Dylan as he spoke, almost in a whisper. "He said he didn't want to die". Dylan sounded broken now. "I told him that I wouldn't let him die".
                          
Ethan took a step back. Rationally he knew that Dylan did everything he could have done for Cal. Ethan was not rational though and launched himself at Dylan, hitting the older older man repeatedly. He had no idea who pulled him away from Dylan, but he was being steered towards the bench. Ethan was only barely aware of people hovering over Dylan.
                          
Dylan couldn't breathe and he was lying curled up on the ground once Ethan was pulled off him. He knew he deserved that punishment for lying. It had always been his punishment which is why he hadn't fought back.
                          
"Dylan, are you ok?". Lofty was kneeling next to him. Max came running over with a wheelchair. Between them they lifted Dylan into it and rushed him into the ED.
                          
The locum came over and motioned them to go to small Resus. Dylan was given oxygen and slowly his breathing normalised. Outside, Connie asked what had happened. "Ethan", Lofty simply said. "Ok, we'll need to get Dr Keogh into a gown. Will that be a problem?". Lofty knew she was giving him the choice of him telling Dylan or her doing it. "I'm sure we'll manage".
                          
Dylan refused to wear the gown and only begrudgingly let Lofty help him take his shirt off. There were signs of bruising around the ribs. But Lofty was drawn to the cigarette burns on Dylan's back and chest. Dylan looked away embarrassed. The only person to have seen them, other than family, was Sam. And now everyone was going to find out. Lofty read his mind. "I won't tell anyone. And I'm sure Connie won't either".
                          
*****
                          
Dylan looked at himself in the mirror. He didn't recognise the man he saw staring back. An older version of the boy who once stared back all those years ago, who was punished for no other reason than being himself. But his father had often reminded him that he was a freak. If his own father called him that, then surely he was?
                          
He suddenly felt like he was going to be sick and rushed into one of the cubicles. Dylan winced in pain as he bent over. It was only 3 days after the funeral and his ribs were still a little tender. Connie had told him that he was lucky to have only been winded by Ethan's outburst. Dylan refused to call what the grief stricken Ethan did to him as an attack. It wasn't Ethan's fault that Dylan had lied about Cal. It was only his own, wanting to protect Ethan from any unnecessary anguish. He was already blaming himself for being in the pub and switching his phone off. Never to hear of his brothers warning until it was too late. He didn't want Ethan feeling anymore guilt.
                          
Dylan pressed his hands against the wall. He felt like he'd been hit in the chest again. His breathing became more laboured. The Doctor in him was gone. Only Dylan Keogh was left. The freak.
                          
*****
                          
Ethan had only come into the ED with one thing on his mind. To apologise to a man he looked up to. Who inspired him to become a better Doctor. Unfortunately, Dylan was not to be found anywhere. He had thought he'd might still be off, but Alicia had assured him that this was his first day back. Ethan didn't need to be reminded what was implied by that. He already felt bad for hitting Dylan. Dylan, who had found Cal and was with him at the end. He realised he was jealous. Jealous of Dylan because he got to spend Cals last moments with him.
                          
Ethan ran into the bathroom just in time to hear someone being sick. Not unusual, but the raspy breathing sounds alerted the Doctor in him. The door to the cubicle wasn't locked. Ethan hesitated. He knocked. "Are you ok in there?". Hearing no answer he slowly opened the door and was shocked to find the man he had been looking for. "Dylan!".
                          
Dylan made no response as Ethan closed the toilet lid and gently sat Dylan down. "Breathe Dylan. Breathe". Dylan locked eyes with Ethan, barely recognising him without his trademark glasses. "You're ok", he said rubbing circles on his back. "I'm sorry Ethan". "It's ok Dylan. We're both going to be ok".