Lonely

                                    

                                          
It was movie night and neither Ryan nor Chloe were here. I felt so awkward and lonely on my own but I couldn't do anything about it which sucked. From what I know, Ryan and Chloe started talking before dinner and are still talking now. I don't know,if that's true but that's all I know about anything. Nobody has come to speak to me about it.
                          
I mean, it isn't really my business so I can't be mad about it, but it does sort of hurt that nobody is filling me in. If it were the other way round I would be telnet Ryan everything and making sure he was there with me through it all. Then again, I think I need him way more than he needs me.
                          
So now I'm just sat here in my usual spot on the sofa, without a Ryan by my side. It feels really spacious now because nobody has filled his spot so I'm just on the end, on my own with nobody around me. Luckily, everyone is too engrossed in the film to notice.
                          
Like usual, I don't even know what the film is and I don't really care. I'm too preoccupied with worrying about Ryan and this whole situation. I know I should be wanting him to go and live with his family but I can't. I just don't want to imagine life without him with me. Is that selfish? I feel like that's selfish.
                          
But, like Mike said, it isn't my choice to make and I can't be even more selfish by guilt tripping him into staying. It's up to Ryan, and whatever he does choose to do, I have to be happy for him. Even if I'm not happy myself.
                          
----------
                          
The film ended and everyone else decided to stick around downstairs and play a board game or cards or something. I just headed up to bed. I don't really feel like having fun. When I went past the office I saw that the blinds were shut which meant something private was going on and since everyone else is in the living room, I think it's a little obvious whose in there. I hope he's doing better than he was before.
                          
I hope they are both doing ok. Fair enough to say I don't like Chloe much, but there are a lot of people I really don't like but I wouldn't wish harm upon any of them. Why is life never just simple? That would be really great.
                          
I continued on past the office and up to our room where I got ready for bed then crawled under the covers. It was comfortable and I was tired, but there was no way I was going to fall asleep any time soon.
                          
Why is this taking them so long? I get that this is a massive deal and there's loads they have to talk about, but it's been like, the whole day. Why haven't either of them come to see me, or anyone else yet?
                          
Ryan and I share a room so he can't hide from me forever, but what if he isn't hiding? What if there's something bad happening? Like if Chloe didn't get a text or it was actually all a wind up set up by that stupid Gavin person? I would feel terrible.
                          
Not that I've done anything wrong, but it would still feel bad. Like when someone dies and you can't halo but apologise even though you know you had nothing to do with them dying. 
                          
----------
                          
I was just about to drop off back to sleep when Ryan walked in. I instantly sat up in bed and watched as he shut the door and walked to the desk where he leant on the back of the chair. It scared me a little bit, he seems to be in a really bad place.
                          
"Ryan?" I asked. He stood up straight but didn't turn round. This would be the time in a horror film where his voice would sound all wrong and he would turn round with blood dripping out of his mouth and long, sharp teeth. Good job we aren't in a horror film.
                          
"Are...you ok?" I asked again, trying my best to get a response. "Ryan, talk to me"
                          
He slowly turned round and looked at me with tear stained cheeks and red puffy eyes. I feel so much for him. I want him to be his happy, usual, supportive self, but he's going through some stuff so I need to be strong and be there for him.
                          
"Did you speak to Chloe?" 
                          
He slowly nodded his head. This is kind of creepy since he is stood in the shadows and the only light is coming from the lamp on the bedside table. 
                          
"Did you speak to Mike?"
                          
He nodded again. Why isn't he saying anything? He needs to say something.
                          
"What did they say?"
                          
"Chloe is going" he blurted, sounding like he was about to cry. 
                          
"What?!" I asked in shocked. 
                          
"Chloe is going to live with Mum"
                          
I got up out of bed and felt much colder but I ignored that feeling and approached Ryan. 
                          
"And what are you going to do?" I asked as I took his cold hands into mine. 
                          
"I don't know" he said as he started to cry again. I pulled him closer to me and allowed him to rest his head on my shoulder as I wrapped my arms round him. He says he doesn't know what he wants to do. That isn't a good sign.
                          
If part of him wanted to stay then he would be more certain and less confused. Instead, part of him definitely wants to go. But I don't want him to go, yet I can't get involved. 
                          
"Look" I started "I know this must be hard. I can't even begin to imagine what it is that you're going through. But, I need you to know, that whatever you decide to do, wether you decide to stay or go, I will support you, and I will be there for you and with you through it all"
                          
"Are you saying you want me to go?" He asked as he brought his eyes up to meet mine. I wanted so badly to tell him that I want him, no I need him to stay. But I can't get involved, and I can't influence him.
                          
"I'm saying..." I started carefully "that whatever it is you,want to do, is what I want you to do"
                          
"Why aren't you stopping me?" He asked quickly. "You should be stopping me so why aren't you?"
                          
"I just want you to make your choice based on what you want to do. Don't let me influence you or stop you in any way"
                          
"So, you're not going to help me?"
                          
"I won't help you make your decision. I can't, I'm bias. But, I can be here for you if you ever need to talk or need support. Ok?"
                          
"Ok" he sniffed. 
                          
"What now?" I asked.
                          
"Can we just go to bed?"
                          
"If that's what you want"
                          
We both hugged one more time then headed off into bed. He switched off the light and turned away from me in bed. I feel so guilty. I know I have no reason to, but I know I upset him when I said I wouldn't help him make his decision. But that's what Mike said I have to do and it does make a lot of sense. He has to figure this out for himself. If he does what I want him to do, and not what he wants to do, then he will regret it forever, and it will be all my fault.
                          
I know I'm already a burden on him, but I'm not going to allow myself to be a burden to him for the rest of his life. Let's be honest, the day will come when we don't know each other any more. I don't want it to come, Ryan probably does.
                          
I don't want him to look back when this day comes, and remember me as the person who single handedly ruined his life. No. I can't be that person. I have to give him his independence and let him make up his own mind without me troubling him. It hurts now, but it will pay off in the long run.
                          
----------
                          
I woke up in the night with a terrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It felt like a wave of both sadness and regret. Is this what true guilt feels like? 
                          
I rolled over and noticed that Ryan was no longer in bed. The clock reads 4:26 so I don't know where he would be at this time. I decided I have to get up and find him. I need to make sure he gets back to bed and doesn't stay up all night worrying about something.
                          
I climbed out of bed and wrapped my duvet round my shoulders before quietly opening the door. It creaked on its hinges, making me cringe. I hope that didn't wake anybody up. Mind you, it didn't wake me up when Ryan left and I'm only a couple of metres away from it so it's probably fine.
                          
I can only assume Ryan is in the living room or kitchen. I don't know where else he would go at a time like this. I also don't know what to say to him. I've had plenty of late night kitchen sits but I've never fully understood what's said to me or what to say to others. This is going to be difficult but I have to try.