Chapter 15

                                    

                                          
These are the true confessions of Miss Mary Hightower, a lady. I do not write these words as a penance. I do not write them in regret. I have done many wicked things, and I am not ashamed of them. I only seek to record the truths of everything that has happened in my short and unhappy life. 

I knew from childhood that I was destined to be unlucky. I was the firstborn in a set of twins. Yet I was born a girl, an utterly useless girl, and although Daniel was the later arrival, he would come before me in every way during our lives because he was a male and an heir to all, including the absolute devotion and obsession of our mother. 

From a young age I surmised  that I could never compete with my brother for my mother’s affection. I tried in vain, many times, by refusing to eat, but she would just ridicule me or force some terrible tonics down my throat, and in the end I received no more affection and was plagued for most of my life with ill health due to this, as well as an unattractive figure once I reached adolescence. It is true that I am no beauty. This truth does not cause me feelings of sadness. I do not sit and cry over not being a ravishing and gorgeous creature. I find that my outward appearance is a fair representation of the state of my pitiable soul. 

I had resolved then, at the age of puberty, to turn the energy I had wasted in seeking attention and love from our mother towards hating my brother. It was not an easy task. I realized that I needed to be clever if I wanted to seek true revenge against him, and that the best way to do that was to act as if I loved him. I needed him to believe that I was his one and only true ally in the whole entire world. As his closest and dearest friend, I would have the best means of destroying his every happiness.

It was not an easy task. My mother was constantly about, always talking about her beloved Daniel, handsome Daniel, intelligent Daniel, the sparkling jewel of her life. It took all of my strength not to scream or hit her. But I kept it all inside. I smiled and nodded, and was sweet, sympathetic Mary. 

I knew Daniel’s secret. He could hide his true nature from our mother, who viewed his every action with the bias of love and fondness of a mother, but he could not hide his weaknesses from his sister, who was often by his side. I felt stirrings of my own, and I saw that Daniel’s affections and attractions were towards the same young fellows that I had began to fancy myself. 

In truth, I can say that I see nothing wrong in Daniel’s proclivities. It is natural for him to love a man, just as natural as it is for me to do so, and I do not see the problem in that, but I have never been one to hold true to societal conventions and the like. 

Violet was the one who was upset about the whole matter. She was the one that would often go on and on about how much it disgusted her, the thought of her brother kissing my own, or even, God forbid, a passionate embrace between the two. I was not offended by the manner of my brother’s affections. I simply could not afford to see him have any happiness in his life. 

They had met at school, John and Daniel. It was there that their affection was forged, and I of course surmised this during John’s first stay in our home. My mother, the simple fool, had thought that John had come to court me, and made me wear a terrible yellow gown that just made my complexion appear all the worse. I knew better.

We were out walking through the gardens when I confessed to the pair that I knew their secret. Daniel was excited to share their secret, but John was much more reluctant to share the truth, but I soon convinced them both of my alliance with them, even offering to serve as an excuse for John to be closer to Daniel. I would be “courted” by John, and Daniel would serve as our chaperone and companion.

The prospect of her ill and plain daughter being married to John pleased my mother immensely. It afforded John and Daniel time to spend in each others company, and it threw me in the company of Violet.

I won’t say that Violet is the reason I have turned out as wrong as I did. Even before I met her, I held rancor and disdain in my heart. She was simply the person who showed me what fun I could have with these feelings. Daniel insisted to John that I would be a good influence on his troubled younger sister. Violet had always been a burden upon her brother, and John took his lover’s good faith and I found myself often in the company of Violet.

I was twenty when I met her, and she was younger, barely sixteen and already quite the beauty. And she was already a very wicked girl.

“I’m ruined.” Those were the first words she shared with me, before telling me of how she seduced her dance teacher. She had seen that John had shown some attraction to the young man, and made it her goal to secure his affections, and John had caught them in the act of her ruination. “He kept it all quiet, of course. He always makes things alright, John does.” She smiled and showed me all of those beautiful white teeth, and I could not help but be charmed by her. 

I found that Violet had many of the same feelings of anger in her that I did, but instead of keeping them buried deep inside of her, she relieved herself by doing terrible things. And I found myself wanting to do those same things. 

She was obsessed with having the attention of men. I believe that this is perhaps the biggest reason for her hatred towards her brother and my own and their romantic relationship. Any and every man was a pawn in her game, and she was often sweet and seductive in one minute, and threatening and vicious in the next. 

Perhaps the only thing I have done that was not wicked, was kissing Matthew. I had an affection for the young man, who worked in our stables, since my youth. He had once given me some flowers, when I was younger and had fallen off of a horse and was unwell. It was this small gesture of kindness that caused me to recognize the most attractive nature of this young man. He was very handsome, and I was surprised at his affection for me because of my unconventional looks. I made the mistake of telling Violet about my feelings for  Matthew and she decided that this would be my way to release my wickedness. She coached me on what to do, on how to seduce him.

I went to the stables on a Sunday afternoon. I knew that Matthew would be alone and I asked him to get a horse ready for me, which was unusual because I did not enjoy riding after my youthful accident, but before he could get the horse ready, I broke out into false tears. Matthew comforted me and asked why I was crying. I confessed to him my sadness, my belief that I was ugly and that I would never find love. He told me that I had a unique beauty, and I kissed him. 

This moment was the only good thing I have ever done in my life. A warmth, a light filled my heart. This beautiful boy could look at me, ugly on both the outside and the inside, a sick creature filled with hate and envy and see something beautiful and worth love. I could not sully this moment by proceeding as Violet had coached me. I ran away, hid in my room and cried, devastated at the thought that I could be loved. 

Violet was disappointed at my failure and took it upon herself to seduce Matthew some time later. And the last bit of goodness that I had inside of me left. I joined her on the path to wickedness. I did not ruin my body with men, but I joined her in drinking, in spreading vicious rumours and lies, in stealing money and jewels from our families and I took it upon myself to deprive myself of food. I grew thinner and uglier and more ill. 

It was when I began to take this turn downward that John and Daniel sought the counsel of their friend Edward. And Violet of course, set her eyes on him as the ultimate prize. Edward was handsome, he was a Duke, and he had a large fortune. Violet wanted his title, his money and his pride. She tried every tactic in her repertoire, but Edward never responded. She simpered and mewed and hissed and fretted, but Edward never once gave her any reaction besides disgust. For this reason alone, I have respect for the man. He saw beyond the pretty facade that Violet showed to the world and saw her for what she truly was.

He tried to reason with me once, as well. He told me that Daniel loved me and did not wish to see his beloved sister in such a condition, but I just smiled and kept silent. I helped Violet with her scheme. She began to circulate the most terrible rumours about Edward, about his treatment of women, and his drinking and whoring ways, and since his father had the reputation of a blackguard, it was not hard for people to believe and disseminate her falsehoods. 

The biggest blow came at a ball. Violet took a bottle of spirits and was drinking in a closet, and I, with a face of concern and innocence came to Edward and asked for him to help me with my friend. Once they were in the closet, Violet spilled the liquor all over Edward and tore at her dress, shrieking and calling attention to them, falsely accusing Edward of mistreating her and seducing her when they exited the closet.

The scandal circulated quickly. Edward’s reputation was unsalvageable. Despite Violet’s already wanton ways, she was thought of among the ton as a beautiful and innocent girl. John had taken pains to conceal his sister’s proclivities, and it had worked. Her conquests were generally servants, and money pressed into their palms kept their mouths shut. 

I recall that night that Edward received the scar on his face. I sat there, being chastised by Daniel. John, in error, defended me, believing me to be influenced by his wicked sister. Edward, of course, was furious. He would not tie himself to this creature. Violet had sought to force him to make her an honorable woman, to marry her, but he did not care that his reputation would be ruined. That he could handle. But he could not bear the thought of being tied to such a person for his entire life.

It was those words that caused Violet to strike out in anger and injure the Duke. He helped John restrain her. It was Daniel who decided that they should marry her off to a foreigner. He supposed it was most pressing to marry her off as soon as possible, and only a man who did not know her sordid past would have her.

Violet acceded to this when John threatened her with a trip to an asylum. She demanded, however, as a condition of her marriage and banishment that she be given a substantial dowry. And she made one more terrible request that astonished me. Violet cursed Edward and told him that he was never to love another woman and never to marry. 

It did not take Daniel long to find a fortune hunting Italian Count to marry Violet off too, and the scandal abated. Edward did not speak a word of the truth so as to protect his friends. I found myself feeling particularly melancholy and empty at the loss of my friend Violet. I continued in my illness, which was aggravated by my lack of nutrition. 

I write these words with waning strength. I know that I am not long for this world. Daniel came to me with disappointment and asked me how and why I could have fallen under Violet’s spell. I said nothing but smiled and told him that I had been mistaken in my choice of friends. In his eyes, I will die, a flawed ,but still beloved sister.

I will send these words to my old friend Violet. It is a record of our work. A record of the hatred that I held once in my heart. A record of my brother’s clandestine love. 

 I cannot hate anymore. I don’t have a taste for it. I feel nothing but emptiness, and am simply waiting to float away from this world and on to the next.

In truth, 
Miss Mary Hightower