17; ramé

                                    

                                          
 "ramé"  

                          
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(noun) A Balinese word, ramé is described as something that is simultaneously chaotic and joyful.   
                          


                          
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It's not easy for me talking about my mother and it's not easy to start trusting new people. But with Zach, I find it quite easy to open up to him. "My mother is sick. She's ... in the hospital and I need to pay the bills, which are not low at all. That's where your money went. If I wanted to buy new clothes, I surely wouldn't ask someone else for money." I laugh quietly, uncomfortably. 
                          
I can't look at Zach, so I focus on the skyscrapers that are rising before our eyes and the magical view Zach's windows offer.  I sense him looking at me. 
                          
"Analeigh ... why didn't you say anything? I'm ... really sorry." Zach places his hand on mine on the couch and this time, I do look at him. I'm trying not to break down right in front of him. It's always hard to talk about my mother. It's hard to even think about her, let alone say out loud what's going on. 
                          
Maybe having no friends is a positive thing for me since I don't have to talk about my mother to anyone else and no one knows about her.
                          
"What about your father? Any siblings? Or other family?" Zach wants to know. 
                          
I bite down on my lip. Hard. I feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I blink fast, turning my stare elsewhere again. "Not in the picture ... anymore." I almost sob the last part, but I hold it in. I can't cry. I won't let myself cry. Because if I start, I won't be able to stop. 
                          
Zach suddenly wraps and arm around me and pulls me to his side, hugging me to his warm body. I let out a shaky sob, but no tears fall. Because I don't let them. I close my eyes and let Zach comfort me, realising how much I've actually needed this. "You don't have to talk about it if it's too painful. I'm sorry I asked." 
                          
"On my 16th birthday, Mum and Dad came home from the store and I threw a fuss because they didn't get the right plates I asked for. I was mad at them for not bringing me one thing I've asked for. Dad and my brother - he was 19 at the time - offered to go back to the store and buy the right ones. Anything to make my birthday perfect ..." I burrow my face at Zach's side because this is too painful.
                          
"They had a car accident. A truck drove the red light and crashed into them. Dad died on the spot and Andrew was fighting for life in a hospital. He died exactly 12 days later. M-my mother wasn't the same since then. It both hit us hard, but Mum ... she couldn't deal with it. She went to alcohol first and the drugs followed. She was a mess, she didn't have the will to even live anymore. It was hard watching her destroying herself, but I was hurting, too, and I didn't know how to help her at that time.
                          
"One night, when I came home from my practice, I found her laying on the floor with a pack of empty sleeping pills and a half-empty bottle of vodka. I don't know if she did that on purpose, but if I hadn't found her, I ... I'd lost her, too." Truth is, I'd lost her way before that, but she was still existing as a person and I don't think I'd survive losing her, too. "She was at the mental institution first because of the attempt of a suicide and she was also emitted to treatment programs that helped her detox from the drugs and alcohol. But she was abusing her body for too long and she wasn't in the right state of mind and she's suffering from the worst case of delirium and depression. That's why she's in the hospital.
                          
"There are days that she doesn't recognise me and then there are days when she blames me for everything. She doesn't always remember what happened. Sometimes, she doesn't even remember the accident. That's a good day for her. But on the days that she remembers ... it's hard to be around her then." I keep my head at the safety of Zach's chest and embrace, just taking what he offers me. "I'm sorry, I really destroyed the mood with my heavy shit."