i know you want to leave

                                    

                                          
song: friend, please
                          
living like a ghost, you walk by everyone you know
you say that you're fine, but you have lost your sway and glow
                          
trigger warnings// loneliness, self harm, vomitting
                          
a/n: this specific update is dedicated to all of you.
                          
(..)
                          
I hope you understand, i hope you know how much it hurts me 
                          
It hurts me seeing you in this graphic, mind boggling state of mind and my goodness it's agonisingly real
                          
Its not your fault that life is in an endless war with you, whether it be events or just you corrupting yourself
                          
You give yourself far too much credit for your own undeniable suffering
                          
You give yourself far too much negativity for something you can't control
                          
--
                          
Sometimes I'll notice velvet and crimson hues of color on the porcelain skin of your arms
                          
Colors that shouldn't be engrained in such a pure and delicate place that genuinely does not deserve the pain inflicted
                          
Your eyes would look so lifeless and black, devoid of any color reasonable
                          
I would ask you out of concern because I care, I care maybe too much about your problems and conflict
                          
You would brush it off with a small, weak grin and a casual reply that the cat did it
                          
Funny enough, you didn't own a cat which meant that your barrier was growing weaker everyday
                          
--
                          
In the past, I'd believe that the rubbed lines on your arms came from a pet or natural cause that wasn't brought to attention by you
                          
But, it's different now because it's obviously you and it's obviously been you, whether that be your fault or not 
                          
Sometimes my frustration would show in little sparks of anger and snapping, frustration of knowing that you won't tell me and it's my fault for being so stubborn 
                          
Don't ever blame yourself for my own putrid mistakes
                          
--
                          
You finally told me the war inside your head, you told me that you feel this heavy weight on your skull and you feel this darkness, thick on your brain
                          
You told me that the cobwebs and spiders have made their homes in the crevices of your cracked skin and flesh
                          
You told me that your throat would burn at night from the convulsions coming from your stomach and it would come out in spilled contents of disgusting colors
                          
You told me that you hate yourself
                          
You said that if you were to choose anybody to destroy, it would be yourself because there is no love left in your vessel
                          
--
                          
It's indescribably terrifying and painful watching you stumble around without a coherent thought, like you were a drunken soul detached from society
                          
It's like I was the guide or counselor to help you, like I could hold the weight of your troubles on my shoulders 
                          
But no matter how hard I'd try to rid of your demons, they would always come back and tear you apart again
                          
And thats okay because as long as you're here and still trying, we'll win this war together 
                          
You won't ever have to cry salt at night because of the coldness that's rooted itself in the pit of your stomach
                          
Because I'm here
                          
And you won't ever be alone again
                          
(..)
                          
friend please, don't take your life away from me