CHAPTER 46 - To Jiyong Hyung

                                    

                                          
Dear Jiyong hyung,
                          
Hyung?Are you doing well?Are you eating well?Are you still the same Jiyong?Do you still remember me hyung?Hyung,I miss you.I really miss you so much.Hyung,I know,this path I choose will left you in sorrow and sadness.I know you will keep blaming yourself for not be able to save me.Hyung,don't cry.Don't waste your precious tears on me.I am not worth it.Hyung,I want you to know,I love you.I really...really love you so bad.Hyung,I can't accept the facts that I will forget about you.Everything bout you.Our memories,our laugh,the times between us,I can't stand to lose them.
                          
Hyung,look at you now,where is my Jiyongie?I know you look so terribly bad now,and you still hoping me will come back and this all is just a dream for you.But,this is not.Wake up hyung,wake up Jiyong.I am no longer here.Please don't wait for me,please stop regretting everything.Please stop being emo and pushing everyone away.And the worst I could think is,please DON'T TRY TO SUICIDE.I know,its hard for you.But,you still got lots of people who care and love you,you just lose a person,what about the others hyung?Hyung,you know it too well that I really love and care about you.I can't stand to see how your worried face and to hear how bad you cry everynights because of me.I know,for you knowing the facts I'm going to forget everyone and die soon make you sad and scared.Its hurt you.My sickness is hurting you.And I can't stand that hyung.
                          
Do you remember the day you run for me when I run away from the Japanese shop cause I was so sad and broken?Hyung,you are like my life saviour that time.I really thought I will be lost that time.But I never had the chance to say thank you.Remember when you shout to the whole airport when I hit my head with the DSLR camera from fans?God hyung,you save me that time too.I was feeling really scared that nobody will notice me,but you did hyung.Do you remember of getting in coma for long period just because of saving me when I jumped into the sea hyung?I remember hyung.Youngbae hyung told me.And the facts I forgot what you had done to yourself to save me make me feel useless.
                          
Hyung,I am no longer here.Death is death.You the one who is still living,need to go on,even if that without me.Even if i am still here,my days are numbered,I can't live much longer,perhaps I don't think I can stay fighting even for a month hyung.My Jiyongie,I really love you,so badly.But I guess we can't be together,Jiyong,you deserve better than me.I love your smile,your laugh,everything about you is perfect hyung.I am so grateful to be able to be loved so much by you,you love me so much,eventhough you know my flaws.You accept me for who I am.
                          
So now,I just want to ask one last things from you hyung,if you love me,please do help me with this last one.Jiyong,if my existent in your life,just bring sorrow to your days,then its better to just forget about me Jiyong.If its hurt more to hold on,its time for you to let go.I love you,i really do.And I'm doing this to avoid you got hurt more.Thank you for all the love and care you had given to me.Even when I hurt you so many times,curse and hit you,yet you still there to hug me when I cry and hold me when I fall.I love to always stay in you arms at night hyung,your arms make me feel saved.I love you Jiyong.And I it will always stay like that forever.Saranghae :)
                          
Sincerely,
Lee Seungri.