Chapter 16

                                    

                                          
"Until I feared I would lose it, I never loved to read. One does not love breathing." ( - To Kill A Mockingbird, Harper Lee) 
                          
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Taylor 
                          
If it wasn't for the changes in daylight, Taylor would have thought she was stuck in a parallel universe where time wasn't passing. The Sunday Karlie left became a Monday, that Monday became a Tuesday, and now it was three weeks later. Life went on and Taylor continued to play her part but it seemed like she wasn't moving forward and she felt incredibly lonely. 
                          
Of course she wasn't the only one upset because of Karlie's departure. Lilah had been sad for a week. It went away (thank God) but it was replaced with anger directed to Taylor. They barely talked and Lilah spent most of her time with her friends so Taylor felt like she never saw her. She hated the emotional distance between them but she couldn't really do anything about it except hoping it would get better. Lilah just missed Karlie. And so did Taylor.
                          
Taylor spent hours of her day thinking about Karlie and she loathed herself for it. (She wasn't a teenager, for heaven's sake. It was embarrassing.) She tried to distract herself with work, but every record, every paper, even her assistant's stupid ringtone (You're Beautiful by James Blunt) reminded her of Karlie. Was she sorting files too? Was she bored out of her mind too? What was she eating tonight (would she be getting enough vitamin C now she had to cook herself dinner again)? But those thoughts were manageable (if they were suppressed and not dealt with, of course). Far worse was trying not to call Karlie. It was completely ridiculous how many times per day Taylor had the urge to tell Karlie something. But she was fine. She had to be because she chose this. And for a good reason. It wouldn't have worked out anyway. 
                          
But nevertheless, Taylor was reweighing her decision. So slowly and subtly that she didn't even realize it at first, but it was undeniable now. It started when she got a call from Tom, telling her that the deputy sheriff just quit. He asked her if he should appoint a replacement and she told him no. There was absolutely no reason for her not to want a new deputy sheriff, except if she was saving the job for someone. Which was, naturally, the first thing Tom asked: "So you have someone in mind?" It was silly because it wasn't even really Karlie's field and Taylor doubted she would even like it, but something inside her just didn't want to give the job to someone else yet. So her answer to Tom was simple: "I'll handle it." 
                          
And what has started with a simple 'no' had eventually become a gnawing, continuously present feeling in her stomach. She knew the position was still open because she couldn't move on. She was still anticipating Karlie's return without actually wanting Karlie to return, like she was hoping Karlie would persuade her.
                          
And then there was that facetiming thing, which started very innocently as well. Every Sunday at 7 PM sharp, Lilah called Karlie. They usually chatted for a half hour and somewhere in the past few weeks, it had become a custom that Taylor would talk to Karlie afterward. The first time Taylor asked Lilah to hand her the phone when she and Karlie were finished talking, she had a good reason because she needed Karlie's help with something computer related. But when Lilah was saying goodbye to Karlie the week after that, she passed the phone on to Taylor again (sneaky kid) and Taylor had given in (she hadn't had a normal conversation with a grown-up for a week). And that was how a new habit was born. 
                          
Those facetime conversations became the highlight of Taylor's week. There was a very strict non-written rule that they could only talk about trivial stuff, so nothing was said about the kiss or serious life issues. The fifth Sunday with an unofficially scheduled call date was the first time they broached a more serious subject. 
                          
When Lilah entered the living room with the phone, Taylor was already sprawled out on the couch, ready for her first real social contact that week. The first time she and Karlie facetimed, they were still really determined to look good (so no double chins or unbrushed hair) but as the conversations became longer, they slowly stopped paying attention to these things. So now Taylor just put the phone upright against a book on the coffee table so she could see Karlie from her horizontal position. She didn't greet Karlie but just took a look at her face.