075 | rhenium

                                    

                                          
× Mercury

                          


                          
I spend all of Christmas Eve in my bed.
                          
            Everything that happened last night took all my energy and I couldn't do anything but lie under my duvet. I told Grandma that I wasn't feeling very well and that I might have caught the flu, and being a grandmother, she took advantage of the title and quickly made me some chicken noodle soup.
                          
            I felt bad about lying to her, but I knew if I told her what had really happened the night before, she would be even more worried about me. Not to mention all the questions she was sure to have.
                          
            She took care of me, determined to make me feel better for Christmas by giving me warm blankets, replacing the water she had giving me every hour, and making sure the window was open a crack to keep the air fresh. I could barely utter the word "thanks" because even speaking used too much of my energy.
                          
            Jamie was there, too. She knew not to disturbed me so she just stayed with my grandma, helping her make Christmas goodies and do some last minute gift wrapping. I was glad she was here because there wasn't any way I would be able to get off my ass and help her myself.
                          
            And then there was Niall. He spent the most time with me, I think. I wasn't too sure because I was a sleep a lot of the time.
                          
            I was just being lazy, I thought to myself. But it wasn't like I didn't try to get up and do something. I just physically couldn't do it. My body hurt everywhere and the marks Bradley made on me throbbed under my skin. Too much had happened to me these past few days and Bradley was the last string I had left. Now that that was officially cut, I couldn't do anything but sleep. The only times I got up was to go to the bathroom. I didn't even get up to eat since Grandma brought me soup.
                          
            What I really wanted was to go back to London. None of this would have happened if I just stayed in the UK. And then I took that back. Even if I knew all this stuff would happen to me, I still would have come home because Grandma was here and so were my friends and nothing could ever keep me away from them.
                          
            Every time I woke up from a nap, Niall would be there, sitting on the bed beside me. He would either have headphones in or a textbook on his lap. Once he even played with my hair and ran his fingers along my arm soothingly. I wasn't sure what possessed him to do that, but it felt so goddamn good that I didn't question it.
                          
            I learned a lot about Niall as I was in bed. He fidgets a lot. I always knew that, but I never took the time to understand why. I always thought Niall as being a bit anxious and that his mind worked overtime. Sometimes fidgeting was a sign that someone was thinking hard and was offloading some of the work into their body - playing with their hair, tapping their feet, biting their nails, and picking at their clothes. What was going on inside his head? Knowing him, it could have been anything.
                          
            "Do you know how hard it was?" Niall had asked one time after I had woken up from one of my many naps. "To just stay in the hallway and hear what he was saying to you. Imagining what he was doing to you."
                          
            I didn't respond to him, but I could imagine.
                          
            He was sitting at the foot of the bed, one leg out in front of him. He was playing with a string of the blanket, watching his hands as he looped it between his fingers. His hair was disheveled and his cheeks were flushed. He looked like a little kid, lost and a little confused.
                          
            "Letting him go," he continued. "That was a willpower I never knew I had."
                          
Looking at Niall, I came to the conclusion that I needed this with Bradley. It wasn't ideal, I could have done without the bruising and kissing, but it was needed to finally have my closure. I've known for a while now that he was an abuser and a manipulator and just a straight up asshole, but this... this showed me how stupid I really was. It was like looking from the outside in and I couldn't help but laugh at myself. I should have listened to Jamie from the get-go.