63 - are you leaving me?

                                    

                                          
Or are you leading the way?
                          
(I added a youtube video of this song on the side so you can listen to it while reading the chapter. It really works and it's a pretty good song - give it a listen!)
                          
"I just can't do this anymore!" I don't know how many times I had screamed this at my favourite boy in the world.
                          
No matter how many times I shouted this at him, his hazel eyes never broke. He never cracked under the pressure I put him under, and secretly I was proud of him for that.
                          
Since our last kiss, we had tried to keep the fighting to a minimum, but today I had snapped. I had had a particularly horrible physics exam and my emotions were running high. My patience level was sub-zero. Ashton had said some snarky remark and it had tipped me over the edge.
                          
"When are you going to break up with me, Octavia? Just get it over with already," he said this almost calmly. His face showed no emotion, and the fact that he could talk about the end of our relationship so robotically almost killed me.
                          
"I'm not going to break up with you, Ashton! If you want to break up, you're going to have to do it yourself!"
                          
He was silent for a minute, and looked to the side. He was avoiding my eyes. "You know I can't do that."
                          
Exasperation threatened to explode from me. I needed for us to move on, to actually get somewhere. Constant fighting was too much for me at this time. It was all too much.
                          
"Ash, we can't go on like this forever. Do you want us to break up?" I muttered, trying to catch his eye. He had to look at me. He had to be honest, otherwise we were doomed.
                          
He sighed and shook his head. "Of course I don't want us to be over, Tavie. I'll never want that," he replied.
                          
A weight lifted off my chest that I never knew was there.
                          
But suddenly it was crushing back down on me with a newfound determination to end me.
                          
"But... maybe we need that. I think... I think you need for us to break up, Octavia. You said it yourself, you can't handle this pressure. With all of your exams, the grades you need and everything going on you don't need the extra pressure from me," he was looking at me.
                          
I shook my head vigorously. "No. You can't push this onto me, Ash."
                          
He sighed again. "The band got signed. We're recording our first EP and we're going on tour with one of the most famous bands in the world," he said.
                          
I took a short, surprised intake of breath, and suddenly relief pushed tears out of my eyes. I pulled him into a hug. "Ashton, that's incredible! Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
                          
He pulled away, shaking his head and I could see the pain he was feeling etched visibly onto his face. "We can't have our relationship hanging over our heads when I'm on tour, Tavie."
                          
My heart contracted. "We can make it work." My argument was in vain.
                          
He chuckled under his breath, smiling at me as if I was too young to get it or something. "We've already tried. We've tried everything."
                          
"No, we haven't tried hard enough."
                          
He was still shaking his head. There was no way I could change his mind on this, but I was going to try.
                          
"There's a way, I know it. I love-"
                          
"I'm still cheating on you! Get it into your head, we're never going to make it work! I don't need you like you think I do," he shouted at me for the first time in a long while.
                          
Tears sprung to my eyes. Not because he was still cheating on me, I knew that, but I always thought he relied on me in a way he didn't on other girls.
                          
"You said that you couldn't break up with me, but this sure sounds like a break up, Ashton," my voice had sunk dangerously low. Anger swept through me, and I could see in Ash's eyes that he knew my feelings towards him then.
                          
He didn't reply.
                          
"There has to be some reason why we've clung onto this for so long, Ashton. We've been arguing for at least a month. You have to tell me, right now, do you need me? Because I can walk away."
                          
He just looked at me.
                          
I didn't know if I was laughing or crying. He was going to let me walk away, just like that? This had to be some kind of joke.
                          
But I walked out of the park with no resistance from him.
                          
When I was halfway home, I got a call from Mr Swag. I ignored it. Maybe he was calling to try and scavenge what was left of our relationship, but I couldn't allow that to happen just yet. I needed to reevaluate. Why had I been hanging on to us for so long? Why had I been so dependent on it?
                          
Most of all... what would I be like without it?
                          
// I apologise for the shorter length of this chapter, I couldn't get it any longer. Let me know what you think! I've missed writing this story haha. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it. I've worked out how the build up to the end is going to work out, so hopefully you'll be getting as many updates from me as possible on this story for the next few weeks/months/however long it takes me to finish this //