Chapter 13

                                    

                                          
        
                          
A low sigh and soft caressing brought him out of the lazy fog he was in. He has been lying on a chaise by the pond, watching the creatures of water enjoying the water and taking advantage of the peace permitting the air to venture out and explore. He wished he could be happy as they were at that moment but he felt so empty.
                          
The holiday was over and many of the Horans had already moved back to their respective homes, albeit a bit reluctantly. Ever since Harry crossed that Terminal he had not been himself.  He was walking around, a shell of his former self. He had tried, god knows he had tried, so hard to laugh and joke with the rest of the family. But he couldn't because his best friend left with a broken heart and it was all because of him.
                          
He tried to hide behind fake smiles and hollow laughs but soon he was unable to even keep up with the pretense. He would digest sufficient amount of food that his body needed to keep functioning, then he would retreat into his mind where a haze of self loathing awaited him. He had called himself every horrible known name known to him and then he went on the internet and looked for more.
                          
His family obviously noticed and tried to cheer him up. Any other time watching Claire subjected to lectures by G'amma and Deo being terrorized by the youngest generation of Horans would have sent him into fits of laughter instantly skyrocket his mood. But their efforts became torturous, he didn't understand how they could love him so and go to unimaginable efforts to cheer him up, when he had been so horrible to Harry. Hadn't they seen Harry's upset face when he left? Hadn't they seen the guilt written all over his face? They should disown him for hurting one of the kindest hearted people on planet earth. But then again, if they knew that He and Harry had sex they might just do that.
                          
Every time his mind revisited that night, he would feel his cheeks heat up but he couldn't deny the shivers of pleasures that went up his spine whenever he remembered how good it had felt. Then his ears would burn and a sick feeling would paralyze him whenever he questioned why he liked it so much. Was he gay? Or was it just Harry? Whenever he imagined doing what they did with Louis or Liam he felt nothing but disgust. But when it was Harry his heart would thumb loudly, drowning out any rational thoughts.
                          
He missed Harry so much. Never has he gone this long without ever speaking to the lad. It was like someone taking away a limb from his body and expecting him to walk normally. He didn't know how to fix it. He stuck in uncertainty and fear. If he contacted Harry, he would have to tell him that he didn't use him that night. Their wild night was consented and he did it because he had been attracted to him for the longest of time but that would also mean he had to figure if he was gay or not. Then there was the issue of coming out to his family and the whole world. He had a band to think about, what would their fans think? Would they stare at him in disgust or be ecstatic for him?
                          
"Niall, please stop. This is scaring me." Greg's voice came from behind him. Finally he was aware of Greg and that his shadow that he was casting brought about a chill.
                          
It didn't rival the chill with his heart but it was close.
                          
"Greg, go away. I'm relaxing." His voice scared him for a moment. He had never heard his voice sound so hollow and without life. It was like someone had died.
                          
"Niall, please. You have to get up and do something. If you can't, then at least eat something!"Greg said, his voice steadily rising with his panic.
                          
"Have you taken a look in the mirror lately! " Greg screamed, going around so he could be Niall's face. " Your cheek are hallow. You are frighteningly pale. Your eyes have lost their luster. You haven't bathed in 3 days. You haven't eaten a good solid meal in days!"
                          
Greg straightened up and thrusts a frustrated hand in his hair. His wedding ring glittered in the weak Dublin sunlight.
                          
"You are going around like someone died! Mom is freaking out and dad is threatening to here from Mullingar if you keep like this. I mean even Theo has noticed your depression ad he is only 5, Niall!