Chapter 20

                                    

                                          
Sitting down listening to ' you could be happy by Snow Patrol. I could be happy I deserve to be happy but why can't anyone make me happy.
                          
I'm sorry I'm being so depressing and shit it's just I always love people I never receive it from anyone and it gets tiring.
                          
Yea Sammy I wish I had him I wish I had Seth but you see they both don't see me in that way.
                          
Might as well die lonely with a bunch of dogs.
                          
They both will never understand what I'm feeling.
                          
I just sit here all alone listening to my depressing music.
                          
I grabbed my black converse a rubber band for my hair and my iPod and leave my house.
                          
Yea it's dark out but it's barely 5:45.
                          
I decided to take a walk a long one to think I didn't know where I was going but I just wanted to get out and think to myself.
                          
It was 6:20 the last time I checked my phone I had no idea where I was until I saw the street sign 'mount avenue'.
                          
This is where Sammy lives I recognized it I've been to his house a couple times.
                          
Of course I wouldn't tell my parents they would totally freak out.
                          
I see a familiar face outside talking on the phone.
                          
It was Sammy I decided to walk over to him.
                          
I finally reached to where he was and I waved and he just told me to wait I could tell he was on the phone with his girlfriend.
                          
What are you doing autumn he has a girlfriend! he doesn't want you he never did she was the one he loved and now your here thinking hey maybe we'll work out.
                          
My thoughts made me upset and I was fighting back tears so I decided to walk away from Sammy.
                          
I then heard my name being called it was Sammy he was running to catch up.
                          
"Hey why did you leave? I was gonna talk after I was done talking on the phone." he said 
                          
" I just didn't want to be a bother you looked busy I'm just gonna go now." I said trying not to cry.
                          
" Are you ok? you've looked really sad lately I just want you to be happy you deserve to be happy." he smiled
                          
The thing is I do want to be happy but I want to be happy with him and he'll never know.
                          
" You don't get it Sammy I want to be with you I've always have I want to be happy but I wanna be happy with you what about winter formal that meant nothing to you because after I come back from my trip you suddenly forget everything and have a girlfriend!! now tell me why I need to be happy when your the reason I'm always sad seeing you so happy with her when I wish it was me you'll never understand the pain I feel.. you will never know how I ran out of tears to cry over you you just don't understand that...." I yelled 
                          
He cut me off " autumn I've been there for you since day one I just I don't know I think about you a lot to but it's just my girlfriend makes me happy too you make me feel super happy and comfortable your beyond amazing and you have a kind heart... I don't know where I'm going with this I just don't know what to do you make my life hard." he confessed
                          
That being said it hit me that pain in my heart I swear I could feel it ripping apart I make his life hard.
                          
I was mad and sad I felt worse than before.
                          
" Since I fucking make your life hard then count me out of your life I'm sorry I love you more than anything and anyone I'll just leave you wish you the best with your girlfriend bye sammy!!" I spat