Chapter Forty

                                    

                                          
Chapter Forty
                          
"I promise to love you and to cherish you all the days of my life, through good times and bad, in sickness and in health..."
                          
The painful words echoed continuously through my ears. I'd been so lovesick with Dom that every wedding I sang for, I mouthed the words along. Thankfully, we've never actually said it to each other, which means I had no ties where the rest of my life was concerned.
                          
Xavier.
                          
His name echoed through my head and my heart, sending a shiver down my spine and an ache through my body. My heart beat irregularly, and I wasn't sure whether it was because of how I felt or that I was seeing him later.
                          
Xavier.
                          
Shut the fuck up! I nearly screamed, and unconsciously clapped my hand to my mouth. The mics in front of me were condenser, meaning they could pick up my sneeze four feet away. My mom turned to stare at me curiously, and I shook my head vigorously at her before turning away.
                          
"Damn it, get on with it," I muttered, curling my ponytail around my finger and draping it over one shoulder. I was both dreading and excitable about the meet. What would I do? What would he say? Will everything be okay? Will he pull me off to one corner for some desperate confession of love and end up convincing me instead? Will he kiss me and...
                          
Oh, okay, no, wait, that's way too far. Way, way, way too far.
                          
But if I had to be honest with myself - which was torture because I often bullshitted myself to make myself feel better - it's been hard to stop thinking not only of Xavier, but of...of that kiss.
                          
It was such a sweet, innocent kiss. It could've meant nothing, a light brush of his lips on my forehead, and I would've dismissed it as such, if he hadn't gone all out that night. I resisted the urge to pull out my phone and read that text. The inability to delete it for sentimentality was fucking irritating, but it wouldn't stop making my heart skip a beat. And it wasn't even supposed to be doing that!
                          
I groaned, clenching my fist beside me so hard the nails dug into my skin. I have to stop thinking like this.
                          
Yet at the end of the mass, that was all I was doing. In straight jeans, a white spaghetti and a black shirt, I was sweating like a pig next to Nat who was in a black tshirt and skinny jeans. Right, well, good luck with that.
                          
She glanced at my fidgeting with my hair, then my buttons on my open shirt, and stopped my hand. "What is it?" she asked, almost impatiently. The sadness in her eyes was still evident, as was her red cheeks and cracked lips from biting down too hard. It hit me again how hung up she'd been on Xavier, and temporarily I wondered whether if we ended up together he'd leave me like that too.
                          
No, I thought firmly. Xavier wouldn't. Not to me. He was just using her anyway. And I don't even know if there was a small chance of being with him, not Dom.
                          
Xavier. Not Dom.
                          
Xavier. Not...
                          
Oh, for the love of all things holy! I almost ripped the buttons off my shirt in frustration. Nat saw my movements and nudged her head upwards in my direction in an unspoken repeat of her question. Breathing deeply and furrowing my eyebrows trying to concentrate on dismissing hope, I nodded slowly. "Nothing."
                          
But I was just itching to go up to the hall and the dorms. The buffet line was pretty fantastic for a small, out of the way caterer, but I had no appetite. Trying to find a plausible, believable reason to go up to see Xavier was enough to use up half my energy and destroy another half of my brain cells.