VII. Make it

                                    

                                          
It's going to burst open. Burst wide open and spill out every thought inside. My brain is going to burst. 
                          
That's all I can think as Kate sits beside me, patiently trying to answer as many questions as she can. I had been stuck in the med-jack room all day, and the sitting still had turned out to be a terrible curse. There was nothing to take my mind off of my predicament and it was breaking me. Kate had just come in, and I had already attacked her with about a dozen questions that had been running through my head all day. 
                          
"Skylar, I don't even know what you just said." She replies to my latest flurry of questions. "Just calm down." 
                          
"I can't." I say, waving my arms frantically around in the air, "I'm stuck in here and all I've got to do is think and think and think and it's killing me." 
                          
Kate sighs and looks at me with pity, "I know, that's the worst thing... Thinking about it all." 
                          
"So I'm not the only one?" I ask, breathing out a small sigh of relief. 
                          
She shakes her head, "shuck no, we all do it sometimes." She looks hesitant, like she's afraid of what she's going to say, but she continues anyways, "I was a wreck when I first got here, it's part of the reason I try to stay so busy, part of why I tried to keep you busy." 
                          
I nod, barely holding back my tears, "thank you." 
                          
She nods, then smiles, "you're actually doing better than most." 
                          
"Ya right." I say, my voice cracking as I sniff, trying unsuccessfully not to cry. A few tears escape, running recklessly down my cheeks as I quickly wipe them away. 
                          
I'm grateful when Kate chooses to ignore my tears, pretending as if nothing is wrong. "Seriously, most people can't even function the first couple days, they just sit in the corner and cry." 
                          
"Really?" I ask, sitting up a little straighter. Most sadness has gone, replaced with a fierce curiosity. Was I truly winning the very battle I thought would kill me? If I was already doing better than most, maybe I would be ok. Maybe, I could make it without breaking. Just maybe I could find the strength. 
                          
"Yeah, eventually you get past it, once you have no choice, but no is ever.... Uh.... completely ok." 
                          
I nod, "I don't want to wait till I have no choice."
                          
She nods too, understating exactly what I mean. "You'll get there. Like I said, you're already doing great." 
                          
"I guess I just know crying my eyes out twenty-four seven won't fix anything, but sitting in here all day thinking about it isn't helping." 
                          
"Sorry, not much I can do about that," Kate says, giving me a sad smile. I nod, and shrug, already feeling much better. 
                          
"Thanks Kate," I say, giving her the best smile I can manage. "For everything." 
                          
"No problem." 
                          
Suddenly another face pops through the door, "Hey greenie, oh hey Kate, didn't know you were in here. I'll leave you alone." 
                          
"No it's fine, I was just getting ready to leave," Kate says, getting up and starting towards the door. 
                          
"Are you sure?" Newt asks. Kate nods, waving goodbye before leaving. 
                          
"So how are you today?" Newt asks, sitting down in the chair beside me. 
                          
"Bored," I respond truthfully, hoping he'll give me something to occupy my time. 
                          
"Sorry about that greenie, not much I can do." 
                          
I huff, "fine." I'll just have to get over it. Kate's talk had made me feel better. I had at least one friend in this world. 
                          
"Hey have you ever tried going back down in the box?" I ask, thinking about a question I had been pondering all day.
                          
"Yep." 
                          
"Hmm well what about–"
                          
"Yes, we've tried it, anything you can think of, we've tried it." Newt says, waving me off. 
                          
"But you didn't even listen–"
                          
"Trust me, we've buggin' tried it."
                          
His refusal to listen to me makes me angry, and I take to silence, half pouting in rebellion, half trying to deal with the depression of knowing I wasn't getting out anytime soon. 
                          
"Anything besides suggestions you want to ask?" 
                          
His offer is too much to resist, and I break my silence. "So you're in charge... but there is some sort of leader for each group?" 
                          
"Technically Alby's in charge." Newt says laughing, "but yes, we have a keeper for each job." 
                          
"Hmm..." I respond, absorbing this new information. "So I have to try every job?" 
                          
"Yes." 
                          
"Why can't I just skip to the ones I want?" I ask, thinking it seemed like a real waste of time to try each one. 
                          
"Because that's just the way we do things." 
                          
"Well that's stupid. If I get to pick then why–"
                          
"You don't exactly get to pick." Newt responds, tilting his back in annoyance. "The keepers pick you, based on what you're best at." 
                          
"Still stupid," I pout. 
                          
Newt just shakes his head and stands to leave, "well greenie, good to know your buggin mouth still works, I'll check in on ya tomorrow." 
                          
"Bye," I reply, rolling my eyes at him. He leaves, and I settle into my bed, ready to go to sleep and forget it all.  My eyes have just closed when there's a knock on the door.
                          
I open my eyes, slightly shocked at who's standing there, it's Minho. 
                          
"Hey greenie, I uh, oh did I wake you up?" 
                          
"Oh no." I say shaking my head, "I was just getting ready to go to bed." 
                          
"Too bad." He snickers, coming in and sitting in the chair. "So how's your ankle?"
                          
"Not that bad." I say shrugging. I'm surprised that he came to visit me, surprised and happy. At least thinking about him doesn't make me cry. 
                          
"Aw that's a shame, I was hoping you'd be stuck here for a while and I wouldn't have to see you." 
                          
His voice doesn't change, but I can tell he's joking. "Well then why did you come to see me then?" I retort, smirking. 
                          
He has no reply for that, and I laugh, having won at least for now. "So what job do you do?" I ask, after a couple of moments of silence pass. 
                          
"I'm a runner." He says.
                          
"Oh so who's the keeper?" I ask, wondering if I could find them and persuade them to pick me. 
                          
"You're looking at him," He laughs, grinning proudly. 
                          
"Oh," I say, my eyebrows rising in surprise. Why hadn't anyone told me? 
                          
"Why?" He asks, sounding suddenly suspicious. 
                          
"I might want to be a runner," I say honestly, my heart pounding as I wait for his response. What if he rejects the idea? 
                          
He eyes flit over me, "you'd have to prove yourself, but maybe."
                          
After a few more minutes of light conversation he stands to leave, saying a quick goodbye before exiting. I settle once again back into my bed, hoping no one else disturbs me, anyone I would have wanted to see has already come. I reflect on the day as I wait for sleep to pull me in. I smile as I think about it, I do have friends, I'm not alone. I will be ok. I comfort myself with that statement over and over again until it becomes a resolve, until it becomes true.