untold truths

                                    

                                          
BY CANDUS ANN RED
                          
AUTOBIOGRAPHY
                          
EDITED BY: CHARLOTTE WHITAKER
                          
THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO MY HUSBAND MY NIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR I LOVE YOU FOR EVER MORE TILL WE LEAVE THIS WOURLD HUGS AND KISSES MY LOVE.
                          
CHAPTER ONE
                          
UNTOLD TRUTHS
                          
WHEN THE ABUSE STARTED I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD MY YOUNGER SISTER WAS FOUR YEARS OLD AND MY OLDER BROTHER WAS SIX YEARS OLD. WE WERE JUST BABIES OURSELVES. BEDTIME WAS THE SCARIEST PLACE FOR ME THEN. DURING MOST OF THE DAY AS FAMILY MEMBERS AND THEIR FRIENDS WOULD COME OVER AND EVERYTHING SEEMED NORMAL NEVER DYSFUNCTIONAL. NO ONE EVER SAW THE DARKNESS LIKE I DID. IT WAS LIKE ALL THE AIR GOT KNOCKED OUT OF MY BODY AND I COULDN'T BREATH. WHEN I WOULD TRY TO SCREAM NO WORDS WOULD COME OUT OF MY MOUTH IT WAS LIKE I WAS FROZEN AND I WAS SCARED OF EVERY NOISE AND EVEN IF I SCREAMED WHO WOULD BELIEVE ME ALSO I WAS SCARED OF WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I TRIED TO SCREAM OR TELL. I COULDN'T TELL OR DO ANYTHING I FELT HELPLESS AND ALONE. AND THIS SECRET I HAVE LIVED WITH FOR ALL MY LIFE. AFTER SUPPER EVERY NIGHT WHEN IT WAS BEDTIME I WOULD HEAR HIS FOOTS STEPS. THE DOORS WOULD MAKE CREAKING NOISES AND AS I HERD THIS I WOULD WRAP THE COVERS AROUND MY BODY AS TIGHT AS I COULD GET THEM TO PROTECT ME AND IT NEVER WORKED NOT ONCE. EVERY NIGHT MY DADDY WOULD COME RIP THE COVERS FROM MY BODY AND PULL DOWN HIS PANTS. MY FATHER WOULD RUB HIS PRIVATES ON ME AND TOUCH ME AND I WOULD PRAY THAT MY MOTHER WOULD WAKE UP AND SAVE ME THAT SOMEHOW SHE WOULD NOTICE HE WAS NOT IN BED AND SAVE ME. BUT
                          
HELP NEVER CAME FOR ME NOT ONCE. I WAS DIEING INSIDE EVERY NIGHT THE ABUSE HAPPENED. I WAS THREATENED THAT IF I TOLD HE WOULD KILL ME AND THAT NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE ME. WHEN I DID TRY AND TRY TALK BACK OR REFUSE HIM. I WOULD BE BEATEN WITH ANYTHING HE COULD GET HIS HANDS ON HIS FIST, A WATER HOSE, AND ANYTHING HE COULD FIND. I WAS NEVER ALLOWED FRIENDS OVER MY HOUSE. I WAS NEVER ALLOWED ANYWHERE WITHOUT HIM EXCEPT FOR SUNDAY SCHOOL AT CHURCH. THAT IS THE ONLY PLACE I FELT LOVED AND SAFE BECAUSE EVERY OTHER TIME I FELT DIRTY, NASTY, AND SOMETIMES I WANTED TO DIE. IN THE MORNING TIME AS THE BIRDS WERE CHIRPING MY MOTHER WOULD BE MAKING BREAKFAST AND WHEN SHE CALLED US TO THE TABLE. THERE MY FATHER WOULD SET LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED AND THAT HE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG AND I WOULD HAVE TO SET THERE AND SMILE LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED. AS WE WOULD GET ON THE BUS AND HE WOULD TELL US HE LOVED US. I WOULD BE SO HAPPY TO SEE SCHOOL JUST TO GET AWAY FROM THE DEMON I CALLED MY FATHER. EVERY AFTERNOON I WOULD DREAD GOING HOME KNOWING NIGHT TIME WOULD SOON COME AND MY NIGHTMARE WOULD BEGIN. I WONDER IF ANYONE KNOWS HOW IT FEELS TO BE LIVING A NIGHTMARE THAT YOU CANT WAKE UP FROM.
                          
HE WOULD ALSO TELL ME THAT IF I TOLD I WOULD BE TAKEN FROM MY BROTHER SISTER AND GRANDFATHER WHOM I LOVED DEARLY. I STAYED TO PROTECT MY SISTER I KNEW IF I LEFT SHE WOULD BE LEFT IN HELL AND HAVE TO GO THROUGH MY NIGHTMARE. MY GRANDFATHER WAS THE FATHER I SHOULD HAVE HAD. HE LOVED ME AND NEVER HURT ME LIKE MY FATHER DID. MY SISTER AND BROTHER WAS MY BEST FRIENDS IN THE WORLD WE DID EVERYTHING TOGETHER. MY SISTER AND I WOULD PLAY DOLLS AND JUMP ROPE. ME AND MY BROTHER PLAYED MARBLES AND WRESTLED. WE WERE HAPPY OF COURSE WE HAD FIGHTS LIKE ANY OTHER SISTER AND BROTHER. WE WOULD ALWAYS SAY WE LOVED EACH OTHER THEN NIGHT WOULD FALL AND MY HELL START AGAIN. I WAS ASHAMED TO BE ME A LITTLE GIRL.
                          
THEN MY MOM GOT SICK AND MY DAD DROVE TRUCKS AND WE WOULD BE LEFT WITH OTHER RELATIVES. THEY LEFT ME WITH MY UNCLE. MY SISTER WITH MY AUNT. MY BROTHER STAYED WITH MY GRANDPARENTS WHICH IS WHERE I WANTED TO STAY. WELL LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT THIS WOULD BE A NEW KIND OF HELL. ME AND MY COUSIN WERE VERY CLOSE AND AT THE TIME I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT SHE WAS GOING THROUGH WAS THE SAME AS I WAS AT HOME PURE HELL. I DON'T KNOW WHY NEITHER OF US KNEW BUT WE SHARED HELL IN THE EYES OF A CHILD.
                          
THE FIRST NIGHT I SPENT THE NIGHT WITH MY UNCLE THE I THOUGHT LOVED ME. WHEN I WALKED INTO THE HOUSE THERE WAS THE LIVING ROOM AND AS YOU WALKED THROUGH THE HOUSE THERE WAS A HALL WAY AND ON THE RIGHT WAS MY AUNTS AND UNCLES ROOM THE NEXT ROOM WAS THE BATHROOM THEN MY COUSINS ROOM. THERE WAS A TRAIN TRACK BESIDE THERE HOUSE AND A LOT OF THE TIME I WANTED TO RUN DOWN THOSE TRACKS AND RUNAWAY AS FAST AS MY LITTLE SEVEN YEAR LEGS WOULD CARRY ME. I KNEW I WOULDN'T MAKE IT VERY FAR BEFORE THEY WOULD FIND ME THEN I KNEW MY DAD AND UNCLE WOULD HURT ME BAD. I ALWAYS PRAYED IT WOULD STOP LIKE A DIEING CLOCK WHEN THE BATTERIES DIE AND THE CLOCK STOPS BUT IT NEVER DID.
                          
IT WAS LIKE THE WHOLE WORLD WAS BLIND AND NO ONE COULD SEE ME NO ONE COULD HELP ME NO ONE COULD SAVE ME I WAS TO LIVE IN HELL FOREVER AT THE TIME I THOUGHT IT WOULD NEVER END. I THOUGHT NO ONE COULD LOVE ME. I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT. AND ONE NIGHT MY UNCLES DOOR OPENED I HERD HIS FOOTSTEPS APPROACH AND I WAS HOPING HE WOULD GO TO THE BATHROOM BUT I WAS WRONG HE CAME TO MY COUSIN BEDROOM AND OPENED THE DOOR WE WERE HIDING UNDER THE COVER. WE HOPED HE WOULD LEAVE BUT HE DIDN'T. HE PRECEDED TO PULL THE COVERS FROM US AND MADE ME TOUCH HIM AND HE TOUCHED ME. THEN HE WENT TO MY COUSIN THEN PROCEEDED TO RAPE HER AND MADE ME WATCH AS HE DID IT TO HER. THEN HE THREATENED US THAT IF WE TOLD HE WOULD SEND US AWAY AND HURT US AND WE WERE VERY SCARED. AND AS WEEKS WENT ON MY MOM FINALLY GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND CAME AND GOT ME AND MY SISTER AND BROTHER. I HATED LEAVING MY COUSIN BUT I KNEW I WAS GOING HOME TO THE SAME THING.
                          
I WOULD ALWAYS LOOK TO THE HEAVENS AND PRAY PLEASE GOD TAKE ME AWAY FIND ME SOMEONE TO LOVE ME BUT THAT NEVER HAPPENED FOR MANY YEARS MORE AND MORE ABUSE. AS TIME MARCHES ON I WAS BECOMING A YOUNG WOMAN OF THIRTEEN . I TRIED TO STOP GROWING BOOBS I WOULD RAP THEM IN ACE BANDAGES AND TRY TO NOT LOOK PRETTY SO MAYBE HE WOULDN'T WANT TO TOUCH ME ANYMORE. BUT THAT NEVER HAPPENED. I WAS SHY GIRL I NEVER LOOKED AT BOYS I WAS IN FACT SCARED BECAUSE OF WHAT MY DADDY HAD DONE TO ME THAT THEY WOULD KNOW MY SHAME THAT NO ONE COULD CARE FOR ME I WAS USED GOODS I WAS TRASH.
                          
I USED TO LOVED TO ROLLER SKATE. THERE WAS THIS ONE BOY WHO WAS DREAMY TALL AND HANDSOME AND HE BECAME MY BEST FRIEND ALTHOUGH HE NEVER KNEW MY SHAME BECAUSE I WAS TO SCARED TO TELL ANY ONE THAT THEY WOULD THINK I ASKED FOR IT AND THINK THAT IT WAS MY FAULT BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I HAD BEEN TOLD. I WANTED TO HANG ON TO ALL THE GOOD THINGS I COULD FOR THERE WERE VERY FEW OF THOSE THINGS IN MY LIFE. I WAS SCARED THEY WOULD DISAPPEAR LIKE THE SETTING OF THE SUN OR THE WAY A RAINBOW DISAPPEARS SO FAST. THAT'S WHY I NEVER SPOKE UP FEAR DROVE MY LIFE FOR YEARS. FEAR SHOULD NEVER BE THE DRIVE OF LIFE BUT FOR ME THAT'S ALL I KNOW.
                          
THE BOY THAT I THOUGHT WOULD NEVER LIKE ME. SAID THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD MARRY ME AND THAT HE LOVED ME AND THAT HE WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY. OF COURSE I DIDN'T BELIEVE HIM ONE BIT. BUT LOW AND BEHOLD IT HAPPENED HE WAS MY PRINCE CHARMING. MY PRINCE AND BEST FRIEND. AND HE STILL NEVER KNEW MY HELL I HAD WENT THREW. I CONTINUE MY STORY WITH THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME AS I LOOK BACK WHEN I WAS SIXTEEN.