24 Weeks

                                    

                                          
Feb 14th 2012
                          
24 weeks. That's how far along I am. 6 months and having a girl. So far I'm having heartburn like crazy and my cravings have grossed people out. The one thing I will miss about being pregnant is feeling my baby kick. she doesn't really do that as often as I had expected and the doctor said that its normal but to just watch and make sure that it doesn't go down and that I was just lucky. I couldn't agree more with her, yes I was lucky that my child lets me sleep at night. but in a way, I was hoping she would keep me up at night because I knew that once I gave birth to her I wouldn't be waking in the middle of the to care for her. someone else would be. I decided adoption was the best thing for the both of us. I have come to accept long ago that Rob has moved on and is not coming back. That I was left to do this on my own and he didn't care what happened to his own child which made me cringe that he could be so heartless.
                          
I met with a couple who seems great and didn't seem to know who I was so that was an advantage for me. I talked to my mom about what I was going to do and she seemed ok with it but she's been distancing herself a little from me. and my dad was a whole nother story. he didn't think I was in the right mind frame to be making this decision and said that financially having a baby is not an issue. which I agree with him about but it is not about the money, my daughter deserves a whole family and not just a mom who has no experience with babies and is scared out of her mind. a family that can give her everything I can't. a stable home, stable education the list could go on and on. I love her...I love my baby so much. it is not that I couldn't provide her with love, she has all that from me but I love her enough to let her go.
                          
I won't be there for my daughter's first word, steps or her first birthday. I won't know what she looks like a year from now. if she has my eyes or Rob's hair. if she's easy baby or colicky. I won't be there to comfort her when she has bad dreams or with her when she's sick. or when she gets her shots. thinking about all that often left me in tears. I just don't see how I can ever take care of a baby when I can barely take care of myself.
                          
It's now February 14th. Valentine's day. Just what I need to add onto my already unstable emotional state. its only 11am and I've already been emotional out of my mind. My mom is coming over and we are going out to lunch and normally I would be nervous but right now I need to distract myself. It's 11am and I'm just now getting out of bed even though I have been awake for hours. I went and got into the shower letting the water spill over me. I couldn't help but break down again. I slid down onto the floor crying letting the water fall on me until I eventually just sat there. Numb. I placed my hand on my stomach and I just kept repeating "I'm sorry" "I'm sorry" to my baby. I had really fucked up in my life. I had driven my boyfriend away and I was giving my baby girl up. What kind of person was I?