21.

                                    

                                          
I didn't do much for the rest of that day, except for thinking of course. I'm good at thinking, maybe a little too good. It can drive me crazy, I can make up scenarios and believe in them so badly that they almost become reality. But I try to stay away from doing that, it's not good for me. Sometimes we just need to be saved from ourselves, and today I was going to save me from myself. 
                          
So I called mom, watched a movie, cooked myself dinner and eventually just listened to some music. I also watched some youtube videos, I had considered starting my own channel but I wouldn't even know what to do. Then I went to bed.
                          
 On Monday morning I received a call from Laurelle, Troye was out of the IC, I could visit him. I didn't know how quickly to get in my car. I raced to the hospital. I had missed and worried about those blue eyes way too much. 
                          
Before I got in the elevator I bought a balloon in the shape of Boots, the little monkey from Dora. Then, I went up to the 5th floor and I knocked on the door of room 5, this time it was the mom that opened. 'Oh, hi,' 
                          
'Is it the balloon guy?' a happy voice beamed. The mother smiled, her eyes looked exhausted. They weren't smiling with her mouth. She took the balloon from me. 'Thank you, again, it lights up his day' she said softly. And then she closed the door.
                          
 I walked back to room 1, and knocked on the door. Laurelle greeted me. 'Hi, Connor, nice to see you' she smiled as she stepped aside to let me in. Her smile was warm and genuine. 'Troye has been drifting in and out of sleep for quite a while, at times he's very clear-minded, other times he just mumbles random things' she explained as she shoved a chair to the side of Troye's bed for me to sit in. 
                          
Troye was in the bed, his head resting on a white pillow, his under eyes were a bit puffed up and all the blood seemed to have drained from his face. He looked worse than before he went into surgery, but now it could only get better, right?
                          
 His eyes were closed. I sat down on the chair. 'Well let's see if he still recognizes you' Laurelle joked. I raised my eyebrows, What? Was that actually possible? Troye did mention he could actually lose his sight, or his ability to speak. 
                          
'Don't scare him like that mom' Troye's voice sounded. It was a bit shaky, a bit soft, but it was him. I looked at him with a smile. I was lowkey relieved that he could still speak, and see, and recognized me. It was weird to think those kind of things could have actually disappeared. That he would just, never be the same again. In the physical way I mean. After this a lot would change, there was no doubt in that. Maybe getting a therapist was a good idea for me too, to stop the ovethrinking and just talk. When mom would get home I'd ask her about it. 
                          
'So.. how are you feeling?' I asked, I wanted to grab his hand but a red light was attached to it, it was constantly measuring his heartrate.
                          
 'I don't know, I'm living day to day. Everything is just happening.' He answered and his eyelids drooped. 'Also, I'm pretty high on painkillers' he added with a slight smirk –for as far as he could move his facial muscles- 'He has to go back in the scan tomorrow, to see if everything is removed' Laurelle stated. Troye sighed lightly,
                          
 'I don't wanna go back in there' he mumbled. 
                          
'You have to tok,'
                          
 'I know'
                          
 I could see how much he was dreading it. I wished I could make it better for him, but I didn't have any say in all of this whatsoever and in order to get better he had to go through all of this stuff, it was awful yes, but if they had waited it would have been more awful. At the thought of that a shiver sent down my spine. 
                          
'A physiologist will stop by tomorrow, and she will also come to our house once all is well and Tok can get out of here.' Laurelle went on to say.
                          
 'When do they think that is?' I asked, did I even want to know the answer? 
                          
'if everything is perfect he'll be out by Friday, maybe Thursday, maybe even by Christmas. They know people like to be home for the holidays rather than spending it in a hospital, but we can only hope' Laurelle stated with a helpless smile. I nodded,
                          
 'yeah we can only hope' I looked at Troye, his eyelids were closed. He had probably fallen asleep. Laurelle gabbed my hand and squeezed it. I looked at her, 
                          
'I know it looks scary Connor, but he's getting better, he really is' and then she hugged me. I figured she wasn't hugging me for me, but for herself so I hugged her back tightly. When I wanted to walk out the door a soft voice stopped me. 
                          
'Uhm Connor, can you buy me some button ups.. putting on clothes over this wound really hurts.' Troye sounded. I looked at him,
                          
 'sure' he could even have some of mine if he wanted. I had enough button ups to wear a different one each day for 3 weeks. 'You're good with button ups, I know you are' he mumbled. I smirked,
                          
 'I know' and I walked out.
                          
That evening I actually had a swimrace, but I couldn't participate because of Kian's homophobic bitch of a mom that got me expelled. I wasn't allowed to swim, but I could go and watch. I walked into the pool area in our school, I immediately started to sweat. Why are swimming pools always 10 degrees warmer than the rest of the universe? 
                          
I had put on my school-shirt to show my support. It wasn't an incredibly important race but important enough for about a 100 people to show up. I sat down in the backrow, I didn't want anybody seeing me and asking me why I wasn't in the water.
                          
 The race was about to start when someone planted their ass on the seat next to mine. 
                          
'Hi' I heard a familiar voice, it was a bit shaky. I looked up with my eyebrows raised,
                          
 'Can you please drop your ass on another seat, the whole row is empty' I stated firmly as I looked into Caspar's eyes. That bitch who betrayed me. He looked at me a bit confused as he interpreted what I just told him, he always processes things a bit slower than the rest of us. 
                          
 '..I brought popcorn' he tried, his voice was soft. I sighed and leaned back in my chair.
                          
 'Caspar, I don't know if you understand, but I really don't want to see your face now, or ever again.' I stated and I stared in front of me. The first two people had dived into the water. 
                          
'Connor.. You have to understand that I'm sorry!' he said, his voice a bit more firm, 'and that I miss you, as a friend' 
                          
I snorted, 'yeah right, and that's why you told all those assholes my secret, what a great friend you are'
                          
 'Look, I know that. Do you really think I don't know? I've been beating myself up over it since it happened' Caspar tried to look me in the eyes but I avoided his gaze, pretending to watch the race. We were losing. 
                          
'Maybe you should have thought about that before you called me a filthy faggot, ever thought about that, Cas?' I said cynically. Caspar leaned back in his chair, 
                          
'But then what do you want me to say?!' he exclaimed, as if he was the victim and I was not willing to forgive him for being it. 
                          
'Nothing! I want you to shut the fuck up about this and share your popcorn with me like we used to do, pretend nothing ever happened. Because I miss you too. Okay, I do! But I don't know if I can ever forgive you for what you did. But then I also don't know how long I can hate you for' I exclaimed, my face turning red as my voice had a million cracks, that always happens when I raise it. Caspar sighed a relief. He held the bag of popcorn up for me. 
                          
 'I'll give you time' he said. And I nodded and took the popcorn bag out of his hands and we watched the race. We lost. The coach came up to me asking why I was also expelled from participating in sports, because they needed me in the team. And honestly, I could have used the swimming as a distraction from the soap opera that was my life right then and there.
                          
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~'
                          
I'm back. Sorry, my life has been the shittiest, but it's getting better, I hope. Just a lot of stuff has been going on and just uggghh, but writing is a distraction, luckily. Anyway, this story is heading towards the finish line. And I can't wait, because that means I get to publish my new fanifc, which will be 300 times better than this one, also it's Connor's birthday so I just had to post. Our lil angel is now 6 years old! awww
                          
xo -J