five

                                    

                                          
[kate]
I'm scared.
I can't control my feelings. I'm scared that Ethan might storm in my room and yell at me like Grayson did. Then again, I did start yelling at Grayson. I didn't expect for him to yell at me back. I didn't expect for it to get that far.
My head was spinning. This was the first real-real argument that I have had with Grayson. Of course, if you have siblings you're going to fight with them, but with my siblings we can't really stay mad at each other at least with the twins and Cam we can't. I can definitely stay mad at Finn, Jack, or Nate.
I tried to calm myself down. I sat up and wiped the tears from my eyes. I looked in my mirror, my eyes were red and puffy, my face was stained from tears streaming down my face, and I just felt like crap.
I got a text from my mom.
--
Hi Kate, school is cancelled for tomorrow too! Not sure if your brothers had told you or not. I'll be home late tonight, if you guys need anything call Jackie.
--
"Great." I thought to myself.
So now I could possibly have to deal with my brothers for the rest of the night. Nope, I'm going to Jaycee's tonight. I can't deal with this.
Someone knocked on my door. 
"Hey, Kate? It's Ethan." Ethan said.
My heart started pounding.
I didn't answer. I put my head back into my pillows.
I heard my door open and I felt him sit on the edge of my bed.
"I'm not mad at you." He said.
"You're just saying that." I muffled into the pillows.
"I'm not going to lie to you, I am a little upset though." He said.
I turned into my back so I could see him. 
"Ethan, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to say any of that. It was the anger. I was just mad at Grayson and I didn't know what to say." I said with tears building up in my eyes.
"Be honest Kate. Do you really feel that way?" He asked me while putting his hand on my back.
I looked at him. I didn't want to tell him that I did.
He looked at the floor. I think he understood from the way that I looked at him.
"Let's switch off of that subject." He said.
"All you guys have been getting is hate all day. Not just you, but me too." I said I could feel the tears starting to roll down my face.
"I've seen it." He said.
"I'm used to it." He exclaimed.
"But I'm not. This is one reason why I didn't want you guys to tell your fans about me. I was worried I would get hate for anything that I did." I said.
Ethan didn't say anything.
"It's not that I'm mad about the video anymore. It's the things that I said, that Grayson said. He made me realize that I am the worst little sister ever." I said and started to cry again.
"You're not the worst little sister ever." Ethan said rubbing my back.
I didn't respond because I knew that I could go off any second on Ethan too and that would not good. I didn't need to hurt anyone else's feelings today.
"I wish I was never born. I was a mistake." I said quietly into my pillow.
"Kate, you absolutely were not a mistake. I'm not even sure why you would say that." Ethan said slightly raising his voice.
Oh no, here it comes... my anger getting the best of me.
I stood up.
"You know what Ethan?! I was a mistake. All I do is mess everything up. I'm selfish go ahead and say it. I'm selfish. All I ever wanted was a little privacy, but this is what it has come to because of me." I said raising my voice.
"Kate, calm down." Ethan said putting his hands on my shoulders.
I pushed his hands off me.
"Don't touch me." I spat.
I could tell it was taking Ethan everything for him not to go crazy and yell at me.
"Go ahead tell them about me, tell your precious fans. If it's so important to you. I didn't ask for this to happen. I didn't ask for my older brothers to become internet famous at fourteen. I wanted to live my life as a normal kid until I thought that I was ready. I guess you made that decision for me. Don't you understand?" I said with my voice still raised.
I immediately realized what I had said. I could feel my face going from red and hot with to pale and cold.
"Ethan, I-." I started, but he cut me off.
"Don't say anything else. I get it." He said calmly and walked out of the room.
"Maybe Grayson was right." I heard him say halfway down the hall.
I laid back down in my bed and cried. I cried, and cried, and cried, and cried.
What have I become?
I looked at my phone.
3:35
I texted Jaycee.
(J= Jaycee K= Kate)
--
K- hey can i come over?
J- yeah, you okay?
K- i need to get out of this house
J- spending the night?
K- yes please
J- ill be over in a second to get you
K- come up to my room i don't want to go downstairs alone
J- anything for you darling
--
I put some navy blue sweatpants on and kept my sweatshirt on. I grabbed a pair of skiing socks and put them on, I was going to be walking in the snow. I then grabbed my small blanket, well now it's a rag, and put it in the front pocket of my sweatshirt. I heard footsteps coming from the hallway.
"It's Jay." Jaycee said.
I grabbed my phone and walked out of my room.
"Ooh you don't look too good." Jaycee said.
"I messed up." I said as my eyes started to water.
I rubbed my eyes from under my glasses.
We walked downstairs, nobody was to be seen. I wrote a note and stuck it on the front door.
Went to Jaycee's so I wouldn't make anyone else mad at me
-kate
I slipped my L.L Bean Boots on.
"We good?" She asked?
"I'm good." I said taking a deep breath in.
"It's not snowing, but the wind is crazy." She said before opening the door.
"Then we'll have to run." I said.
We quickly made it to Jaycee's house and slammed the door behind us.
"It's cold." Jaycee said.
"I told you that I could be just driven you over ." Jackie, her mom, said.
I took my shoes off.
"It's next door, no big deal." Jaycee said.
"Let's go upstairs and you can tell me all about it." Jaycee said to me.
Her house is almost like mine, structure wise.
We walked into Jaycee's room.
"Alright, so tell me what happened after I left." She started.