12

                                    

                                          
        
                          
I wrote this chapter listening to Beam me up by Pink:(
                          
 Could you beam me up,
 Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
 I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
 Beam me up,
 Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
 I think a minute's enough,
 Just beam me up-Pink
                          
Kris' POV
                          
I am doing what I usually do on Chris' birthday every year. Well, besides the ridiculous crying. I haven't been able to control my emotions ever since the day I cried in Xander's car. Nowadays I feel as though all my deeply buried emotions are surfacing and I am always crying. With my bottle of vodka I am crouched on my sofa watching Love and Basketball. Mine and Chris' favorite movie. I have been drinking since Nick left. Right now its two am and I am halfway through my second bottle of vodka. I have a high tolerance and I suppose the pizza I ordered earlier really helped. 
                          
Chris Wayward. That boy was not supposed to die, he was supposed to live to a hundred, the world needed him and it still does. I need him. I really really need him. Suddenly my door bell rings. I ignore it thinking it is probably the TV but it rings again. The loud ding dong rings clear in my ears. At this time of day who could it possibly be? My gate is locked as far as I am aware, a burglar? An insane, ridiculous idea slowly creeps up on me. I know it's stupid but considering I am drunk and desperate I let it invade my brain and more dangerously my heart. I let myself believe that whoever is up there in the sky has heard my prayers and pleadings and finally granted me one night with Chris. For this night, well morning, I get to see my brother. I rush over to the door, excited that when I open it, my brother will be standing on the other side of it, his huge smile plastered on and for tonight, I will be happy.
                          
I practically rip the door, it's funny how much faith one can have when they really need something to happen. There he stands, right in front of me. Right in front of me. I don't waste time looking him over, I don't greet him in the way I'd greet anyone else on my front door, instead, like I have dreamed of doing a thousand times since the day he passed on, I fling myself in his arms and hold on for dear life. For a moment I am scared he is just air, that I will not be able to feel him and him not me, but when I feel his hard shoulder muscles and I feel his arms around me I let out a huge sigh and the tears come back again. I cry, like I have never done before, saying his name over and over again so that he doesn't leave me, I cry. I feel him carry me inside the house. I am not worried that I might be too heavy for him, he always used to carry me. I hold on, thinking if I let go for just one moment he will be gone. I don't know how long he has been granted to me for but I will use up every second. We don't need to talk, he was always able to understand my feelings without me telling him so it's okay if I just hug him. The tears don't stop. 
                          
"Shhhhh Kris. It's okay," he whispers to me as he rubs his hands down my back.
                          
"Chris," I keep on saying. "Christian and Kristen," is my last thought as darkness envelopes me.
                          
Alex's POV
                          
I watch her as she sleeps. She looks peaceful, a small smile tugs at her lips. Even though she looks peaceful, my heart breaks a little at the sight, I am afraid that when she wakes up her dreams will be shattered. I will be here to try my best to make things better, but one can only do so much.
                          
Nick called me last afternoon telling me the real reason why Kris had cancelled her trip with me to my parents' house for Easter. I was devastated when I heard, I was hurt that she didn't tell me but more because she had to be alone on the day she probably needed me the most. So after Nick told me, I told my parents and they agreed that I should be here with her. I  got on the next flight back and here i am.

                          
I know that there is a lot I don't know about Kris. I see it in her eyes and hear it in her silence sometimes. This is one of the things that haunt her and I wish, with everything in me, that I could shoulder her burden. I came here last night, or rather early this morning, and Kris just flung herself at me. I don't think she knows it's me considering that she kept on muttering Chris' name. I wanted to tell her it is me, but when she started crying I couldn't break her heart again. She was holding on to me the same way one would hold on to another's hand if they were falling off a cliff. So I held her back, soothing her, telling her she was going to be okay. I don't understand how much she is hurting but I hope I can be there for her in any way she wants me to be, if she lets me.
                          
"Chris?" She asks as she flutters her eyes a few time before she opens them. She looks at me and for a few seconds stares before her eyes completely focus  on me.
                          
"Alex." She says my name, voice laced with shock. She slowly sits up in bed. "Earlier this, earlier th-this morning," she croaks out, "it was you." She finishes, sounding both defeated and disappointed.
                          
I stand up from the chair I am sitting on and kneel on her side of the bed. "It was me. I came as soon as I heard."
                          
"You didn't have to," she says sinking back into the covers. "It happened a long time ago," she fakes a smile but at the same time her eyes fill up with tears. I don't want her to cry but I also feel as though she needs to. Her eyes are no longer as swollen as they were earlier and I am guessing it is from the sleep. Lying down, some tears escape her eyes, down to her cheeks falling onto her sheets. They sink and I wish her feelings could sink into me in the same way.

                          
"I want to be here Kris. I am here for you." I tell her not really knowing what to say or do.

                          
"I thought he was here. I was so drunk I thought he was here," she whispers so softly and I suspect she is talking to herself. "It still feels like it happened yesterday. I can still feel all the emotions from that day, isn't it supposed to fade with time?  Am I not supposed to feel better with time? The car crush, i feel as though i was there and a part of me died too." She seems to break with every word she mutters.

                          
We are both silent for what seems like eternity as I rub her arm hoping it will get the message that I am here through to her.
                          
"Just hold me please Alex," she turns her heard to look at me. She doesn't have to ask me twice. I slip into bed with her and just hold her as she cries. I don't know how long she cries for but eventually she quietens down. She achingly whispers, "Beam me up Chris," before she falls asleep. I find myself praying, asking God to let Chris beam her up.