Suffocating Dust (7)

                                    

                                          
It rained. Of course it did. This was London, after all. The air felt sticky, like it was holding onto us. Like it didn't want to let go of Dan either. 
                          
We stood in Fulham's Cemetery on a dreary morning in August. It smelled like fresh dirt as they lowered the sleek black coffin into the ground. Containing Dan. My Danny.
                          
In the movies, every funeral goer had a black umbrella. But real life doesn't work like that. I was nearly poked in the eye several times by bright polka-dotted, Manchester Football club loggoed, rain-bowed umbrellas as the mourners spun to their companions to weep on their shoulders. 
                          
I didn't have an umbrella, so people kept giving me sideways glances and offering to share. I shook my head.
                          
I was asked to speak. I didn't. I was asked to throw a handful of dirt into the hole. I didn't. I was asked where Dan's parents were. I shrugged.
                          
I didn't know what to say. Of course, I hadn't even looked at the video he had left behind, let alone uploaded it. Somehow, I figured that news would get out that he was gone, but it hadn't gotten around to his parents yet, from what I understood. I hadn't been on any social media in at least a month, so perhaps others had figured it out, but, until Dan's video will was up, they were only rumors. 
                          
I got a letter the other day. Someone, a subscriber, probably, had figured out our address, and begged the both of us to tell them what was wrong. Our tour was starting soon. Six days. We had planned a plane ride to Australia for tomorrow, planning on stopping in Hong Kong before we started our second consecutive tour. I wondered what would happen now that I wasn't going.
                          
In my head, someone else was going to deal with it.
                          
I left before the funeral itself was officially over.
                          
And still, it rained on.
                          
~-~-~
                          
"Hi, Mr. Howell."  I almost whispered into my phone. I had been practising this call for hours, starring at myself in the mirror, listening to myself very critically. I sounded like such an idiot. I regret to inform you... You must be wondering what this is about... I'm very sorry for your loss, both of them... 
                          
I sounded very pathetic. Very heartless. A robot programmed to deliver bad news without remorse. Not like I was slowly folding in on myself, every day that passed without him a knife in the gut, their son's best friend. I sounded like I couldn't care less. 
                          
But, as all things do, this had to happen. They already missed their own son's funeral because of what a wuss I was. Not another second should go by without them understanding that they were no longer parents. 
                          
"Phil! How are you?" Mr. Howell asked. I gulped. 
                          
"Well, I guess. Is Mrs. Howell home?" I heard shuffling on the other side. 
                          
"Yeah, one second." The phone must have been handed off to Dan's mum, and she spoke.
                          
"Hi there, Phil. It's been a while. Is Dan there?" There it is. The question I didn't know how to deflect. The question I knew was bound to be asked, but never actually figured out an answer. 
                          
"We- I was wondering if you two wanted to come to the flat?" What are you doing, Phil. This wasn't the plan. You're just avoiding telling them, you wuss.  "To London. I know it's a little bit of a long drive and that its such short notice-"
                          
"We'd be delighted to!" She said, obviously beaming. She said something inaudible to Mr. Howell, then spoke into the receiver again.
                          
"We've been meaning to take a vacation, and London sounds lovely this time of year! You mean, soon? We'd love to see you and Dan before you go away on your big tour. What time are you two leaving for that?" I swallowed again, trying to rid myself of that lump in my throat. 
                          
"Oh, soon, but you have plenty of time. If you start heading out soon." She sighed. 
                          
"It's been hard being alone, you know. Since Dan's brother, Adrian, passed. This will be nice." Suddenly, tears started leaking out of my eyes before I could think about  stopping them. I've dug myself in too deep now. What the hell have I done. 
                          
"Yeah." I cleared my throat. "See you soon." I hung up before I could ruin anything else. 
                          
"What the fuck, Dan." I said aloud into the darkness, the word flowing from my tongue along with a fraction of a fraction of the anger. "It wasn't enough leaving me, but you had to straddle me with this, too? How would you feel if you had to tell them?" I let the question linger, almost expecting a voice to answer. But, as always in real life, it was only silent. 
                          
I padded down the hall a while later, pressing the door to his room open, rubbing his note between my fingers. 
                          
It smelled of him, still, after a month or so. Everything was just the way it was when he left in the early morning for  A&E without me. The chocolate and vodka still in its plastic bag on his bed where I dropped it. His sheets were still open from where he got up that morning. The blinds still drawn, letting in a glow of August sunlight. The light streaming in made the dust floating through the air visible, and, since I could see it, I suddenly felt it entering my lungs and chocking me, suffocating me, closing my windpipes, collapsing my lungs. My eyes started watering and I collapsed to the carpeted floor, curling into a tight ball to prevent more dust from entering my air ways. I was wheezing, my vision going black.
                          
I missed him.
                          
Steadily, my head got lighter, and spots appeared before my eyes. 
                          
Nothing will ever be the same. 
                          
Just as I broke and started to cry, everything went black.
                          
Darkness. 
                          
Nothing but darkness.