It's Not Supposed To Hurt // Nick Bean

                                    

                                          






Things weren't suppose to go this way, no one should experience this much pain. 




                          
Nothing could prepare anyone for the amount of emotional wreckage that would be tearing through the bodies of not only the people around you, but through the bodies of you and your boyfriend. 





                          
You never planned this, you never planned to get pregnant but it kind of happened and it was a mutual decision between you and Nick that you were going to keep the baby.





                          
You were intent on having as smooth of a pregnancy as possible and up until the birthing process, it had been. 




                          
Every doctor's appointment was attended, every parenting and preparation book bought and read. 



                          
The house was baby proofed early and the nursery was set up in a safe manner, ready for the day your baby boy arrived home. As the months began ticking away and your due date got closer, emotions in the family were high, you and Nick received numerous letter, calls and texts from family members who unfortunately could not be there to support the two of you. 




                          
No matter how hard it was, the sleepless nights, the exhaustion, the disgusting cravings and cramps and worst of it all, the nausea, you kept telling yourself that, in the end, everything would be worth it. 




                          
One sleepless night, a call to your doctor and nervous thoughts, you were induced into labor. Despite his undeniable want to be by your side, Nick wasn't permitted to be in the room, not with how things were looking. 




                          
You didn't persist the situation but something in you knew, it might have been the grave expression on the doctor and the nurses' faces or it might just have been a mother's intellect, but you knew something wasn't right. 





                          
"Incompetent Cervix", they called it. An unusual condition in which pressure from the fetus causes the cervix to opening up before the actual birth. 




                          
There were no words to describe the pain of pushing out something that wasn't reacting normally, something that was once living but now dead. 




                          
And though you had successfully given birth, it was a burden because the room faded into a serious of groans and exhausted moans from you while the rhythm of miscellaneous machines beeped to the sound of your frantic heart. 




                          
"My.. My baby," you muttered, inhaling deeply as you willed your eyes open look at the doctor. 




                          
Realization wasn't your priority at the moment, you actually refused to believe that something that had been growing inside you for nine months was now laying limp in the hands of your doctor. You knew, you're smart like that, your doctor didn't even have to speak before a rippling sob shook your body. 




                          
And Nick, being the man he is, had been anxiously waiting, pacing in front of the door, ears open for any sign that he could enter, finally being able to see the child he had waited so anxiously for. 




                          
His entire disposition changed when the crying came from you and not the baby, he immediately knocked, calling out before his jaw set and he found himself being met with the face of one of the nurses.




                          
 "My girlfriend and my baby  what's wrong?" he demanded, looking into the eyes of a woman who had her own children and couldn't begin to imagine the pain this couple would be going through.




                          
 "I'm sorry.. uhm, Mr. Bean," she murmured, shaking her head lightly as she glanced toward the blurring tiles on the ground.





                          
 "I regret to inform you of this. Your girlfriend, Y/N, is fine. But your child, I'm afraid, is stillborn." 



                          
In the moment, nothing mattered. It was as if Nick Bean's senses had shut down, he could see and his focus was on the sobbing woman in the delivery room. 




                          
"No.. No, that's not  no," he whimpered, body weaving to the side. 



                          
The nurse was quick to steady him, her arm wound around his waist as she maneuvered the man into the room. 




                          
Nick and Y/N's eyes met almost instantly and Y/N's suffering stopped for a moment, her breath hitching as she observed her boyfriend.



                          
 He calmly walked to his girlfriend's side, abruptly taking her shaking palm into his own, leaning down to press his lips to her sweaty forehead.



                          
With both hearts shattered and the dreams of being parents crushed, the doctor approached the two of you,


                          
 "Would you like to hold him, say your goodbyes?" You couldn't explain the noise that surfaced from your throat, a low whine and cry of some sort. 




                          
Your eyes were locked on Nick and you could see him tensing more and more by each second before he nodded slowly, turning to take the baby into his large hands. 



                          
Oh how you wanted to scream, wanted to thrash against the bed and throw curses at the sky; how could God take something so precious from you? 



                          
But you couldn't, you needed to be strong and mature, for the heartbroken man next to you. 



                          
You look at Nick and watch as he cooes and gently rocks a dead child, his dead child.



                          
 "Hi baby, hi baby boy," his voice cracks, thumb brushing over the cold forehead of winged infant now. "It's your daddy, I love you very much baby boy. I-I.." you said nothing as he struggled to keep composure, tears sliding down your reddened cheeks.



                          
 "I'll always be thinking of you, little one. When I look at the night sky, I'll look for the brightest star, baby. Yeah," Nick chuckles at his pathetic gestures.



                          
 "You're my star, you're the brightest star. I'll see you again, someday." And Nick just goes silent, eyes locked on the small human in his hands, all clean now but eyes closed and heart stopped. 


                          
His lips peck the forehead of a little boy who would live on through your dreams, the forehead of a child Nick wanted to teach things to, the forehead of a baby he wanted to feed, change, bathe and cuddle with. 




                          
Nick kissed the forehead of his baby boy while he looked at his girlfriend.  You shake your head, looking away and Nick knows, you can't do this, you wouldn't be able to comprehend the situation for awhile. 




                          
You were both in a state of shock and you loathe the calls you'll have to make to friends and family. 



                          
And in all this self hate and hate of everything else in the world, you hear it, "I love you, little one. Daddy loves you," and so it begins, the mending of broken hearts and the memory of a little boy who never breathed the air of a cruel world. 




                          
Love isn't suppose to hurt, and things weren't suppose to go this way. Love isn't suppose to hurt.