Chapter 18

                                    

                                          

Jordyn POV

I woke up this morning with a killer hangover. I tried to ignore Alexis's comment last night because I know she is angry and lashes out when she is mad. The problem was ignoring it wasn't easy. When someone accuses you of breaking up your parents, it is not something you can just sweep under the rug and let go.

I was trying not to ruin people's night by getting into it with Alexis, so I took my anger and confusion out by drinking and drinking. Now it looks like I'm paying for it this morning. I got out of Paige's bed where she was not in. 

I go out to the living room where I see her on the couch already dressed. 

"About time you get up." She says getting up and coming over to me. She rubs her hand through my hair. "Are you feeling, okay?"

I have no clue what I'm feeling. I need to see my dad and figure out what happened because Alexis knows something I don't, but that isn't happening today. Today is all about Paige. We are driving back to our hometown to visit her dad's grave. 

"I'll be okay. I will hurry up and get ready so we can go." I head to her room to throw some clothes on. 

I then go to the bathroom to brush my teeth and fix my hair. I'm coming back here to stay another night before I have to go back home for school so we are driving together.

Paige drives because she doesn't like my driving in the snow. I hate driving in the snow, but I feel safer when I drive. Even though everyone criticizes my driving, I feel in control that way. 

Paige hands me her phone. "Play If Heaven Has a Window. I found it online. It's so beautiful and it really speaks to me."

I go to her music app and go to the song. I click it and turn the volume up and listen.

-You were gone before I had the chance to say goodbye gone long before I had the time to cry. Now the sun has the nerve to turn the hours into days and I'm still standing here alone in this place. -

I look over to Paige who is lip syncing along with the music. 

-If heaven has a window to see from here to there you know how much I miss you and how I still feel you near closer than a whisper like the sun rise on my skin a perfect living picture and I'm with you once again you're there everywhere I go but then you already know if heaven has a window.-


"The song is beautiful." I tell her as the song ends. 

She turns her head to me quickly and gives me a smile. 

"I love it. At first, I couldn't listen to it without crying. Now it's like therapy. I know that doesn't make sense, but it helps me with everything. I know he is gone, and I won't see him again, but I know he is here, and I know he knows I miss him like crazy." 

I grab her hand that was on the arm rest and kiss it. "It doesn't have to make sense to me, but I'm glad it helps you."

We spent the rest of the car ride listening to music. We got to the graveyard, and I didn't know what to do. Do I leave and give her space, or do I go with her? I figured it would be better to ask her. I don't want to do the wrong thing. 

"Do you want me to let you be and come back?" 

She grabs my hands in hers. "No, I want you here." 

I walk with her up to his grave. She is holding a bouquet of flowers that we got from the store. 


Paige POV

Every time I come to the graveyard goosebumps form on my body. I know everyone has their assumptions and beliefs about what happens when you die, but in all reality, we have no idea. I was told in school there are only two guarantees in life, you will pay taxes and you will die. 

Walking through here seeing all the tombstones makes me wonder. What were they like? What happened to them? Were they ready to die? Is someone ever ready to die? Did someone else take their life like my dad? Could they have been saved?

Like they said on Glee, all you are left with is the dates and the line in between. The years you fought to make something of yourself are gone. What is left is the line between your numbers and the words someone put on your stone.

I kneel down to my dad's stone and place flowers by it. My dad's stone reads, loving father. I don't care what people's opinion is on him. Everyone seems to have one after he killed himself. All that matters when I think about him is how he was to me. Yes, he lost his way, but that didn't make him less in my eyes. He was a wonderful dad who always wanted the best for me. I just wish I knew how to help him.

Even though Jordyn is standing there, and she might think I'm crazy, I start talking out loud to my dad. 

I place my hand on his stone. "I miss you like crazy. There are good days and there are bad, but I try to remember what you taught me. Gregory never gives up. I hope you are looking down on me and you are proud. I know I'm not an angel or the perfect daughter, but I'm trying. I love you dad." 

Tears run down my face as I stand up. I turn to Jordyn who has her arms open for a hug. I step in and embrace her arms around me.