Chapter 36 - Take flight little bird

                                    

                                          
Explanation time:
Hi, my name is Sophie, as you already know and my sister has cancer. Yep, cancer. I've put off telling you guys for so long but I can't take it anymore. Whenever I see a 'why haven't you updated' and 'is the story finished' it breaks my heart because I can't help it. My dad is away a lot at the moment and my mum is always crying because of my sister and my brother has a job now. My sister is in and out of hospital and I get pity looks far too often at school. My grades are barely rising no matter how hard I try and i've been getting a hardly healthy amount of sleep. I'm not sure where i'm going or what i'm doing right now and I feel absolutely helpless. I'm sorry for not updating and i'm sorry if this chapter doesn't please you but just know I try my best for you guys, and I love you.

The air is sterile and the light is bright as I open my eyes to the hospital ceiling. My body is still as I lie there, staring upwards into the grey painted roof. My chin wobbles and my bottom lip trembles and finally a muffled sob slips from my lips. I clamp my lips shut to stop the noise but it’s too late, and I feel my eyes prickle with tears of defeat. The salty droplets roll down my quivering cheeks and I simply lie there, wallowing in my own failure and pity.

I failed. I failed. I failed.

The noises of the hospital dully register in the back of my mind, muffled like sound below water. I feel like I am drowning, suffocating in the reality that yes, he is still alive. Then, just as I begin to fade away into the darkness, someone pulls me above water, letting me choke painfully, then repeats the process of letting me drown in the dark depths yet again. This repeats, each time the scorching burn of my failure hurts just as much as the last.

I failed. I failed. I failed.

Dust particles dance above my eyes, mingling with the cold dim air around me. I close my eyes yet again and sigh at the temporary darkness. My tear clumped eyelashes stick to my cheeks as I lie, chest heaving in the quiet hospital room.
I failed. I failed. I failed.
Time passes, though it feels like seconds and I hear footsteps shuffling ever closer. At least I am no longer alone with the torturous depths of my own mind.
“I honestly can’t believe Liam would do this to himself. I thought he was better than that, y’know?” It’s Niall’s voice and – ouch. That hurt.
If I didn’t already know I wasn’t better than that though, it would have stung more.

It is kind of just a dull pain now in all honesty.

“I hope he’s going to be okay.” Harry mumbles quietly, voice crackly and low. I feel bad for him; in the few times in which I spoke to Harry I could tell he was the type of guy to blame himself for other peoples’ problems. I feel for the boy, I really do. I don’t to be okay though. I want to be dead.

“Where is he?” A cold draft of cleaning stench suddenly hits me and someone’s ragged breathing conquers all other sound.

Then someone’s hand is on my arm, limp on the bed beside me. They sting too much to move anyway. Their palm is warm and slightly rough; I almost curl into the touch. Their warmth seeps into me and I welcome it gratefully. Whoever this is I could get used to the heat. Not like I’ll be around for much longer anyway.

“You idiot.” Their voice is smooth and high, beside my face somewhere. It is a voice of troubled memories and tears, and I know it from somewhere but I can’t place my finger on it. But am I really an idiot for wanting to escape a world which is better off without me?

 “I can’t believe you’d do this to yourself. You always looked so happy at school, so how the hell did you become this mess; wrapped up in hospital sheets as pale as yourself, goddammit. I don’t know what to do with you anymore. Can’t a man watch from a distance without something dramatic happening?”

Watching from a distance?

I always look so happy?

Had this person been watching me? Admiring me, even? Impossible.
The hand rubs my arm gently and I feel the hairs stand up against my will. My heart speeds up at the warm touch and I refrain from smiling, so as not to give myself away. I don’t think I’m ready to face my friends and this complimenting stranger just yet. Finally they pull their arm away and sigh, their footsteps slowly shuffling further from me.

“Let’s go, guys.” Someone chokes across the room, “Where’s Zayn? I need to get home before dark.”

Zayn?

What on Earth is Zayn doing here?

"He's probably off somewhere secluded having a smoke or something. Always smokes when he's stressed." A voice I recognize as Niall's speaks up, voice lilted with hoarse irish brogue. 

How on Earth would Niall know Zayn smokes when he's stressed? I guess when you don't attend school for a month you miss a lot.

"I'll go look for him." A deep voice mumbles and footsteps shuffle away, the sound of a door shutting is the final. No one speaks for a while after that and I fear they've all left. It's no wonder why. I'm a wreck, physically and emotionally. The silence kills me, the possibility that they could be staring at me in pity is a burn to my overthinking mind.

"Lou?"

It's Niall's voice again. He's moved since he last spoke to another side of the room. Apparently, Louis is here. Louis Tomlinson, the head of the school hierarchy is here by my bed. Probably only here because Zayn came. That would make sense.

"Yeah, Niall?" Louis' voice is weak and hoarse, and it cracks slightly towards the end but it is still it's perfect self, far better than my own.

"Why are you so upset about Liam? You hardly know him." 

Every thought in my mind hangs in stock still anticipation, shock pouring over me like ice water. He is upset about my condition? 

"Honestly, Niall, I'm really not sure." 

After that they don't speak for a long time and I fade back into sleep.

* * * * * *

The reaction to my awakening is rather comical. I had arisen as per usual, temporarily forgetting I was in a hospital. The nurses had come screaming in like territory birds and pushed anything in their path aside as they frantically fussed over me. They checked everything and smiled weakly and then finally it was over and my room was empty.
When realization that no one was here occurred to me disappointment once again set in and I began to cry for the first time since I woke up, alone and feeble. My body quivers on the bed and as I clasp my pale hands together it occurs to me how much weight i've lost. Surely that couldn't have happened in the span of time that I was asleep?
I only went to sleep what felt like two minutes ago. 

Slowly my tears drain away and i'm left with nothing else to cry as I hunch over on the bed, fully aware of the pathetic nature of my situation. I glance up groggily at the end of my bed and a smile pulls bravely at the edge of my lips at the sight of a single white balloon floating defiantly, tied to the cool metal bars of my bed.

On the balloon is written : 'Your scars do not define you' in scrawly black sharpie pen. My heart flips in my chest dully and my mouth parches, the sudden urge to know who put it there. My gaze drops down to my wrists and I turn them to face upwards, wincing at the mess of thick red trenches in my skin, only now beginning to heal. I did this to myself, and for what? The pleasure of bringing myself pain? More pain than I already felt?

A knock at the door disrupts my frantic pondering - my throat is still too dry to call out so I simply stay still, staring absently at the closed, sterile gateway.
The door opens and I retch out a dry splutter because Louis of all people is before me in magnificent glory, eyes wild and blue.

"Louis-"

"Oh my god you're awake!" His lips part into the most beautiful smile I have ever seen, his voice thick and raw and utterly delighted. His thin, curved eyebrows shoot up and he races to the edge of my crisp, clean hospital bed. 

I nod shyly, meek in the presence of such a powerful person. He could make me or break me, and has already once broke me. But why did he care that night I was 'asleep'. Why did he come? These questions flit about my cranium but I contain them, not particularly fancying admitting to eavesdropping.

Realization dawns on Louis' face and he lurches towards the side bench, managing to make snatching up a cup look dainty and composed.

"Water?" He all but shoves the cup under my nose, water droplets sloshing up onto the tip of my nose. Again, I nod, and gingerly extract the cup from his small hands, bringing it to my dry mouth with eagerness to resemble a hungry dog. The water disappears all too fast and I know I want more, but I also don't need more so I restrain my urge to ask for more and instead place my empty cup politely on my side table. 

"Where is Niall and Harry?" I ask more harshly than I originally intend, but I don't regret it when Louis' eyes widen and his mouth falls open into a thin, pink 'o'.

"At school, they all are." He seemingly ignores my rather rude tone but his eyes flash oddly and something churns in my gut. How strange.

"They all are? Who is 'they?'" I ask curiously, eyeing him inquisitively.

"Harry, Niall, Zayn, Emma...Harmony." 

What!? Harmony???

"H-harmony?" I choke on my spit, probably looking like an idiot. "Why was she here? She cheated on me!" 

Louis' eyes flash with some kind of emotion and his smile drops , falling into a straight, thin line. All signs of amusement are gone and the mirthful atmosphere evaporates, leaving only awkward silence and tension.

"Yeah, she's a right bitch. We dumped her scrawny ass the moment she made a rude comment. Needless to say she hasn't talked to us since." He scoffs, rolling his crystal blue eyes in annoyance.

Without thinking I bark out a laugh and wince at how awful it sounds. "I wouldn't say she's a bitch.."

"She is a bitch! What kind of awful person would cheat on someone, especially you!"

"I'm not worth the dedication." I sigh, casting my eyes down to my sliced up excuses for wrists. The familiar pang of self hatred swells and breaks over me in a silent wave that hits me full force and my breathing hitches.

"Actually, Liam" Louis grabs my chin and tilts it up to look away from my wrists. His eyes are clouded, intense. His pupils scan my face hesitantly, face inches from mine. His breath washes over my face sweetly and my heart stutters to a halt. "You're worth more than you think." 

Then his eyes widen a considerable amount and just as my own flutter shut in anticipation his warm hand unhinges itself from my jaw and he is gone, the sound of the door closing echoing the awe and confusion flooding my brain.

* * * * * 

It's roughly 5 PM when everyone (sans Harmony) arrives, rushing in with mouths ajar and eyes wide. Niall squeals like a little girl and runs over, wrapping his arms tightly around me. I let out a light laugh and wrap my own around him, relishing in the heartfelt embrace.

"Never do that again, Liam. You had me scared shitless." He chokes into my shirt and I simply nod into his neck, not sure if I can really make any promises at this stage.

Niall simply nods back into my neck, as if he knows what i'm thinking. I gulp, guilt setting in. 

Next is Harry; he comes bounding forward and wraps me up in possibly the tightest hug i've ever had. He immediately starts crying, and tucks his quivering face in the crook under my jaw. I can feel warm tears hitting my skin and my own adam's apple wobbles. I've never seen Harry cry before, and I certainly never thought it'd be over me.

"P-please don't try to kill yourself again. I don't know what i'll do. I...I felt so bad." Harry sobs into my skin and I nod, rubbing his back. He lowers his shaking voice purposely, "I feel awful for Niall. All i've done these last few days is cling to him and cry. I'm such a sook." 

"You're not a sook. You have a big heart." Harry pulls back and smiles weakly at me, wiping his swollen, red eyes. I bravely smile back, even though I feel anything but brave. I'm a coward, if anything.

Harry pushes his brown locks from his face and murmurs something to Niall who nods. Harry then exits the room sniffling. My heart pangs guiltily. I never believed I would have that kind of effect on anyone.

Zayn steps up with Emma beside him, both of their eyes sympathetic. Emma leans in and presses a soft kiss to my head, and I feel her soft lips tremble against my forehead. She then nods to Zayn and follows after Harry, floral heels clacking softly on the hospital linoleum.

"Just between you and me Liam, I know Louis isn't going to turn up. I heard that he got pretty close to kissing you or summat this morning and I just wanna say don't take it personally. Louis is a bit odd - for all I know he might be into you." Zayn shrugs, and then meets my eyes shyly,
"And also, I think you should get some help with your depression. It helps Liam, it really does." 
Then Zayn does the last thing I expect from Zayn Malik; he pulls up the sleeves of his leather jacket to reveal faded pink lines streaking his caramel skin. I gasp and Zayn nods grimly, resting his other hand on my shoulder comfortingly. 

"Please get help Liam, it gets better." 

With that he pulls his sleeve back down and leaves. 

I'm confused again.

* * * * *
"I'm so glad you've chosen to get some help, Li, I worry about you." Niall asks as he guides me through the bustling airport. I honestly can't believe I agreed to ship myself off to London for a three week rehab course. I only got out of hospital two days ago and here I am heading off again. I think since that day at the hospital where Zayn showed me his scars we've formed some kind of secret bond in which only we know of.

It took Harry a good day and a bit of convincing and coaxing to make him leave my room; he worries i'll do it again. I think that's part of the reason I decided to do this rehab thing. It breaks my heart to know I can't be left on my own without people worrying for me.

Niall takes my bags off of me like the kind best friend he is and helps me through baggage without any troubles with security. I stumble behind him, side fringe awkwardly flopping in my face. I feel like a total dork in my skinny jeans and band t-shirt. I shaved this morning but I feel the stubble growing. I hate my stubble. It makes me look old.

"You coming Li? Your plane boards soon." Niall's irish accent soothes my self conscious thoughts and I nod, smiling as best I can. 

"I'm going to miss you Niall. A lot." I bite my lip shyly as I near the plane entrance. 

"I'm going to miss you too Li. When you come back hopefully everything will be okay." 

"I hope so." I mumble as I turn away, walking halfheartedly away down the plane entry tunnel.
 
Once on the plane I slide into my seat - a window seat, hell yeah - and gaze out at the night. A night flight isn't the most desirable of flights to some but to me it is nice. No one tries to talk to you, everything is quiet and calm. I notice the other passengers pulling on their complimentary sleeping masks and placing their 'u' shaped pillows around their necks to avoid cramps. 

Instead of following their actions, I instead pull down my travel pack down from the overhead compartments onto my lap and unzip it, pulling out my old photos. They always make me feel so much better.

The lights of the plane dim as we begin to take off and I tune out the droning voice of our pilot and continue flicking through the photos. Suddenly a slip of paper falls out from between two and lands on my lap in a slightly crumpled paper plane. One of my eyebrows arches upwards and I open it curiously, wincing when I almost awake a fellow passenger with the loud crinkling of the paper.

'Dear Liam,
I wasn't there to see you in the hospital the other day like everyone else. I figured i'd made you uncomfortable enough, what with almost kissing you and all. I know you're probably expected me to apologize or something but i'm not going to. Truth is, I wish I had've kissed you. You interest me. 
I sound like a total Harry, but I thought you were beautiful the whole time I bullied you. That's a crap excuse I know and I don't think you'll take it, i'm surprised Niall did but then again he's head over heels for Curly. 
What i'm trying to say is i'm scared of being gay. I, like you, was once bullied because someone thought I was gay just because I was in a play. (I was in Grease, I got the role of Danny) This scared me quite a bit and so I quit drama and vowed never to show any signs of flambouyancy. It worked for quite some time, eh?
I'm not really sure what my sexuality is anymore and i'm sure you don't care but I should've kissed you. I've wanted to kiss you for a while now. When I heard you had attempted suicide I almost died myself.
This is lengthy and stupid and I know you're straight but while you're gone, please just think about it okay?
Okay??
Regards, Louis xx'

I place the paper on my lap in shock. I never expected Louis to like me, nevertheless him to be gay. And of course he gave me time to think about it when I have no other choice but to, shipped off to some stupid rehabilitation center. 

I read once again over the last part of the letter half heartedly, stopping where he has written 'I know you're straight but while you're gone, please just think about it okay? Okay??' and I groan, resting my head on the window as the plane passes through the murky black sky, stars twinkling like coins tossed into a pond. 

"Okay." I sigh in defeat, and allow my eyes to flutter shut, letting the gentle white noise of the plane soothe me to slumber.
   
* * * * * 
The rehab center is better than I expected. It's like a hotel but you have to attends sessions during the day. At night you're free to do whatever. My room is small but nice with a large bed and a dressing table that is missing anything I could possibly self harm with. I'm officially five days into my stay and i'm not quite okay but I feel a bit better. I can look in the mirror now without cringing at my own reflection. There is always room for improvement ,however. 
I reach into my toiletries bag and pull out my hair clipper, gazing hesitantly at it. I plug it into the powerpoint and gaze at my reflection once more in the mirror, running my fingers through the silky side fringe one last time. A little change in looks never hurt anybody. Right?

A/N - This is the second last chapter and then comes the epilogue. I'm so sad to be finishing this story so soon and I promise the wait won't be so long this time. It's jumping through time fast but that's how I want it to be for this chapter and I hope i'm keeping you anticipating the next thing to happen. There will be no epilouge once this is over. I will be taking a break from Wattpad for a while to devote time to my family and grades, and then maybe i'll come back and start something new, maybe continue twisted. I don't know in all honesty.