t w e n t y - s i x

                                    

                                          
Riley Green
                          
I felt like I was very stuck on the concept that no one can belong to anyone, I was scared to let that go.
                          
To be truthful, I had never been more angry than when seeing someone else kiss Ian. I wanted to kill her, I wanted to kill him, I didn't care, it made me so mad. But when I thought about it, I'd done much worse to hurt him. He wasn't trying to hurt me, he wasn't even trying to kiss her. I knew what had happened, I knew it was her. I didn't care, it still lit a fire inside of me that burned me from the inside out.
                          
Quite honestly, it was a feeling of pain that I never expected myself to be capable of. I wasn't sure if I liked it.
                          
Ian asked if I was mad at him. I didn't know what to say. I was mad, it felt like the heat of my anger could cause me to burst into flames. In all the time since Ian and I began our...game, he'd touched no one but me. It was only me for him and I liked it that way, even if I denied it.
                          
But I lied to him, and to myself. I knew that I wanted for us to be only for each other but I was scared to go back on everything I'd ever told him. My feelings for him scared me. 
                          
I looked him in the eyes and said that we didn't belong to each other, and as I said it I could tell it broke his heart, and I didn't want to do that anymore.
                          
I think the real issue was that I was afraid of change, I was afraid of not always having the upper hand, I was afraid of becoming a different person than who I'd been my whole life. I was so terrified of change, it was a crippling fear, it made me crazy.
                          
It had been a week since we came back from the wedding, Ian and I had only seen each other a couple of times. He called me, and asked if I wanted to go out, at first I was resistant, scared that I'd been spending too much time at his side, but then I thought it might do me some good to get back into a familiar environment. Maybe I would start to feel like myself again. 
                          
I put on a tight white crop top and a tight black skirt, some necklaces and my classic black heels. I let my hair in waves fall around my face, and put on some dark eye makeup. 
                          
I looked like the old Riley. The Riley that everyone loved, irresistible, carefree, reckless Riley. The Riley that I loved. The Riley that Ian loved.
                          
I was leaned against the wall outside the club, Ian was meeting me there. I heard him before I saw him. He whistled and looked me up and down, then came up and twirled me around under his arm. I hid a smile and gladly modeled for him. It was exciting to get to show off, I never really minded being something for people to look at, I wanted to be looked at. In fact, I needed to be looked at.
                          
"Now, this, this is something I haven't seen in a while. I missed it." He said, still checking me out. I missed it too.
                          
"C'mon," I said, dragging him by his hand, "I've been waiting long enough." 
                          
I got the same feeling every time I walked into a place like this, the pounding music, strobing lights, it had the same effect on me.. I shut my eyes for a moment, soaking it in. Then I made my way to the bar. I leaned over the counter, hoping to get served quickly, and Ian trailed behind me, standing next to me, tracing circles over my hand. As I looked down the bar, to see where the bar tender was, I saw a familiar blonde tuft of hair and a short but full stature, it was Joey.
                          
"Shit." I muttered under my breath. How could I completely forget that he worked here, it had been weeks since I'd been here and not too long since Joey and Ian got into a huge fist fight. I wasn't sure what to do.
                          
"What is it?" Ian asked. I flashed a fake smile.
                          
"Nothing! Let's just go get some shots from that waiter." I tried to drag him away from the bar but he stayed put.