Chapter 28

                                    

                                          
Tony's POV
                          
Today is the day that Ziva is coming back to work. She isn't going to be doing any field work though. She asked Gibbs to keep her on desk duty a little longer. Trust me, it surprised us all when we heard her ask it. The doctor cleared her to work again but yet she doesn't want to. I do have to admit she's been surprising us more and more over the months. I think Katherine and Ethan are the reason for that. They are changing her in a good way. She's now able to open up a little more. She's more honest. She doesn't hide what she's feeling anymore. Only just a little part she's hiding for the team but at least she tells me. I can't get the conversation we had about two weeks after their birth out of my head. It was so heartbreaking. Especially coming from Ziva. She's trained to hide everything that she feels. To keep her mouth shut at all times. But the walls she has built in the time that she was still Mossad are slowly but surely breaking. 
                          
It has been two tiring weeks for Ziva and I. The first few nights at home we thought it would be smart to take turns. We soon found out that it is impossible to take turns when you have twins. When baby 1 starts crying, you already know baby 2 will follow only seconds after. Mainly we have 5 minutes between the crying of baby 1 and baby 2. You try calming a little baby in 5 minutes before the other cries the whole neighborhood awake. It is impossible, I can tell you that. After we put them to bed, Ziva always goes straight to bed. At first I thought it was because she was exhausted so I let her. One day I was exhausted too and went to bed with her. That day I found out that she did not go to bed to sleep as I thought but to cry. The first week she wouldn't let me close to her and she wouldn't say a thing to me. Now she lays down in my arms and cries on my chest. Luckily her crying is becoming less too. I know why she cries now too. I told the team that it was just about her father dying but that's not the complete truth. The conversation I was talking about is the one where she told me the truth for her sadness. She was crying uncontrollably when she made me promise to never leave her. I asked her why she would think that I would leave. Her answer brought tears to my eyes. 
                          
"Everyone has left me. Everyone I ever cared for is gone. My mother. My little sister. My brother. Now my father. I can't lose you. I don't know what I would do without you or Katherine or Ethan. I don't, Tony. I have no one else to live for." It was silent for a while after that was said. After a while she spoke again. Something I never thought I would hear Ziva say. "Did you know I tried to take my own life because of that? It was right after I lost my mother and Tali. I took an entire bottle of sleeping pills and on top of that I mixed it with vodka. Tony... if Ari hadn't found me, I would have been dead. I asked Ari to keep it a secret and he did. He promised he wouldn't tell anyone as long as I wouldn't do it again. He helped me through that time. He helped me get better, no matter what the costs were... and I shot him Tony. I shot him in cold blood. I saw his dead body on the ground, bleeding out of his head. A bullet wound right between his eyes. The bullet wound that I inflicted. It was very hard for me to not fall back into old habits. You helped me through that time without even realizing it yourself. The nights we spent together thinking that any day I could be off to Israel once again."
                          
The house was completely silent. All that could be heard was our breaths and Ziva's silent sobs and sniffs. I didn't know what to say. I mean what do you say after a confession like that. I didn't even know that she was the one that shot Ari. I had always believed that it had been Gibbs. Gibbs was even saying that he was the one who shot Ari but now I know he was just protecting her. Just like he has always done. Now, two months after she told me that story, she's doing much better. She still cries herself to sleep every day but it's a lot less. She just lays in my arms and silently sobs and sniffs. I always wrap my arms tighter around her body and give her an occasional kiss once in a while until she falls asleep. It's my way of letting her know that I am still here and that I'm there for her. That I won't leave her.