Chapter 210.

                                    

                                          
When I pull open the door to my office Zed is standing in the hall just like I had known he would be. He's dressed in a black and red plaid sweatshirt, dark jeans, and sneakers. His face has not healed much but the bruising around the edges of his eyes and nose have lightened from dark purple to a greenish blue.
                          
"Hey, I'm sorry for coming here like this," he says.
                          
"Is something wrong?" I ask him and walk back over to my desk.
                          
He stands awkwardly in the doorway for a moment before following me further into the room.
                          
"No. Well yes, I've been trying to talk to you since yesterday but you haven't been answering my texts,"
                          
"I know, it's just that Hardin and I already have enough issues without me creating even more and he doesn't want me to talk to you anymore."
                          
"You're letting him tell you who you can talk to now?" Zed sits down in the chair directly in front of my desk, I take a seat behind it and look out the window before answering.
                          
The way we are seated gives an official, more serious tone to our conversation. It's not uncomfortable just too formal.
                          
"No, it's not like that. I know he's a little overbearing and he may go about things the wrong way but I can't say I blame him for not wanting me to be friends with you anymore, I wouldn't want him to spend time with someone he has feelings for either," I say and Zed's eyes widen.
                          
"What did you say?"
                          
Damn it.
                          
"Nothing, I just meant.."
                          
"You have feelings for me?" He asks, his eyes lighting up with each syllable.
                          
"No, well, I did. I don't know," I ramble, mentally slapping myself for being so quick to speak without thinking.
                          
"It's okay if you don't but you shouldn't have to lie about it,"
                          
"I'm not lying, I did have feelings for you. I may still have them honestly, I don't know. It's all confusing to me. You always say the right things and you've always been there for me, it would make sense if I did develop those feelings. I've told you before that I care about you but we both know it's a lost cause."
                          
"Why's that?" He asks, I'm not sure how many more times I can reject him before he understands where I'm coming from.
                          
"Because it's pointless, I'll never be able to be with you. Or anyone, for that matter. No one but him,"
                          
"You're only saying that because he has you trapped,"
                          
I try to push down the anger that is slowly building from Zed's words about Hardin. He's certainly entitled to have ill feelings towards him but I don't like the way he's insinuating that I have no will power or control when it comes to my relationship.
                          
"No, I'm saying that because I love him and as much as I don't want to say this to you right now, I know that I have to. I don't want to lead you on more than I already have, I know you don't understand why I stay with him through all of this mess but I love him so much, more than anything and he doesn't have me trapped, I want to be with him."
                          
It's true, everything I just said to Zed is true. Whether Hardin comes to Seattle with me or not we can try to make it work. We can use Skype, see one another on the weekends until he goes to England.  Hopefully by then he won't want to be away from me after all.
                          
Distance may be the key to getting him to agree to move with me. Our history has proven that we aren't very good at staying away from one another, whether deliberate or not, we always end up together in some way. It's hard to remember a time when my days and nights didn't revolve around this man,  I've tried time upon time to picture a life without him but it's nearly impossible.