Fault 28

                                    

                                          
His words make me forget the jealousy I was just so hell bent on. A forming nubela then a blackhole. Yeah a blackhole was a good description for me. I smile to myself and try to cover it with my finger tips.
     We get chicken tenders and I drag him to my house. I wanted plants but I also wanted to lay down. I feel like that a lot. Josh quickly runs over to his house and comes back with a plastic shopping bag from Western Beef. Something about long legged Josh running with a grin makes me feel...I don't know. I feel something that kills me...in a good way...if that makes sense. 
"So what's in the bag?" I ask carrying the food and bottles of water up to my room. Josh followed behind me. He waits until I was two steps away to walk. His tactics are adorable. 
"You like Slipknot right?"
I turn to face him with a smile. "Of course" I answer with an enthusiastic shake of my head. We turn into my room. I kick the door close.
"I have some Slipknot stuff if you want them but of course you want them."
    I wink at him and sit on my second desk chair. The other one Josh liked quite a lot so I stopped going for that one. Josh was spinning around while I inspected the shirts. The shirts we're much bigger on me. Of course I didn't mind. 
"How come you haven't changed into your pajamas yet?" he asks and his face appears pale.
"If you tell anyone about this I will kill you. I kinda like wearing dresses. I feel I guess you could say cute." He's biting his bottom lip, sucking it in at the process. 
"So girly. This isn't the Ryan I know. Speaking of dressers can I ask for a big favor."
    His voice went from surprised to unsure. The Slipknot song playing made it a little awkward. The song was Virus of Life. Normally I wouldn't play this without headphones however it was Josh playing it. 
"What is it?" I implored and tore a piece of my chicken tenders. 
"Would you mind attending the wake with me and going to the funeral?"
    Me? A home schooled runt. I know absolutely nothing about funerals or wakes or anything with death. I've never gone to one and I've never gone to a wedding. What even do I do if I decide to go? Would mom want me to go? 
"It's okay if you don't want to go" Josh objected and ate some of his fries trying to play off the dismay. Come on pity start kicking in those gears. I already know that we like Josh too much to let him attend alone. 
    I push myself to my closet and spin before I open the door. The chair can't fit in the closet. Josh couldn't even fit of course the chair wouldn't. I throw two black dresses on my bed.
"Maybe I just need another excuse to wear a dress. I'll gladly attend."
He rolls over. "That dress is far too low cut and I've already done enough cleavage peeking today."
    I giggle and hug him. He's so cute, except when he's speaking to another female. Nothing is cute then. I smile to myself and whisper get it together. Josh throws his arm around my waist. He pushs me close enough for his legs to put me some what comfortable on his lap. 
"This moment reminds me of a book I read when the main character was disabled and his classmate had a crush on him but he never liked her back because he was disabled" I proclaimed. I feel like I told him about it because it meant something more than just a relationship with a disabled person.
     Josh appears too busy to respond. He's either starring into the walls of my room or locking them on mine. I can't tell which one it is. Sitting on his lap in this position was quite awkward. The armrest was basically stabbing at my lowerback. The silence makes me uncomfortable. I wish I could find comfort in the silence rather than in the loud. I wonder if this whole generation is like this. 
"So" he starts up finally breaking the silence, "you think I'm adorable."
"Never complimenting you again" I utter under my embarrassment. 
In a polite way Josh asks for me to get off his lap. I don't budge and once I do I put my legs more comfortably on him. I'm already used to the position and far too lazy to get up.
"You're distraction in your own way. Not let me glance at you in the hallway distracting. More of let me watch you as I drive and almost run someone over."
     I feel one if two feels. Embarassed and the sudden urge to kiss him. I only cover part of my face to seem upset as I get my thoughts together. Josh is pestering me about my sudden embarrassed shift. To be exact I only kissed Josh once while he always pressed his lips against my cheek, forehead and hand. I decide to glare him down. 
He laughs, "Why do you look like you're ready to break my nose?"
    I don't say anything. I avoid some contact and when his hands grip the armresters I make my move and surprise with him an innocent, shy kiss. I pull away before he could even realize what's happening. 
"You kissed me?" His voice sounded rasp and when he finally recovered from this shock he was especially awkward. "Do I kiss you back? Do you want me to?"
I only nod and so he does. 
      For him to he awkward with me and be full of confidence around other females kind of makes my feel all gushy. Of course I don't know how to explain I just like how he could never lie about not knowing how to act with me. Josh comes off hesitant to kiss me (probably because we just finished munching on chicken tenders) and after a few seconds he leans back into the chair and holds my lower back while making sure my legs don't fall off the arm rest.

I slip my hands to his neck and tug on pieces of his hair. Generally I loved tugging on parts of him. I suppose he took it as a sign of my comfort. I feel like a child on Christmas morning- no not even something as cliche as that. I feel squirmish and hot as well. I guess it was a typical kiss. Innocent, shy and heart aching. Parts of me hurt. The part that doesn't want to kiss because well I am still unaware if this is a prank. The part that does want to kiss him and it feels like I'm going to die. Cold and sharp like the razor blades I'd used pouring an unnecessary amount of life into me that still hurt. In dismay I move away and keep my head down.
"Overthinking is just like tying a noose around your neck now knock it off."
    I'm up in his arms and sitting back on his lap as he sits on my bed. Josh was right I did need to stop overthinking if only that was physically possible. Josh pulled me face back to his and I try to dim the thoughts. After some time the thoughts do dim and I think about the person I'm pressing lips with. 
    I gather up some courage and pull him closer making him lean back. Josh smirks against my lips and pulls me back up a bit. His kisses feels burn so I must be gasoline. I press our lips closer together; our teeth knock together and we smirk. Josh pulls away and rolls over away from me. I get up to change into my pajamas. Pajamas are really a very oversized shirt. Sleeping with shorts or etc make me uncomfortable. 
"So Josh have you ever self harmed?"
"Actually I never felt the need to. I do suffer too much for me to say." I lean over and kiss his cheek 
"What makes you suffer?" I ask.
"You" he sneers. "Every moment I spend thinking about you or what you do to yourself. You make me suffer a lot. A lot more than I did before I got so invested with you."
     Interesting how that worked. I hadn't suffered around him until he learned about every dangerous thing I did to myself. Josh's hand brings me closer to him, his hands run through my hair and pull me into a goodbye kiss. I don't let him leave until I could hear his dad calling for him. But even so he doesn't leave until the need for me to kiss him is gone. 
It never goes away.
                          
Author's note: I am not good at writing moments like this but I'm proud this came out well. My feels like it could have fell off from all the second hand embarrassment.