Crumbling - 35

                                    

                                          
It hit me like a tone of bricks. Sadness washed over me as I curled up in a ball. I felt weak and alone. Even with Mark lead beside me sleeping. I wasn't alone but I god damn felt it. I just wanted to burry myself under my covers and never come out. But at the same time I needed someone to hold me in their arms and just be there. They didn't have to say anything, I just needed someone. The world didn't poses any colour anymore. It wasn't in black and white like people say it is. It's more of a hazy mess of grey and muted colour. Imagine a child trying to paint a misty day, but completely butchering it and adding to much black and not enough colour. Dull and dark. Nothing happy or cheerful. Just grey. 
                          
Everything was too much recently. Depression had struck again like a storm that had been gone for a year. But it decided to come back and surprise me by slowly eating away at my happiness until I would soon be left just an empty shell. That's chemical imbalances for you. 
                          
As I lead in bed sniffing and sobbing quietly, I felt the weight in the bed shift. Mark was moving. Was he awake? I held my breath and stopped my tears until I soon heard his breath even out again. I let everything out silently as to not disturb the beautiful sleeping man beside me. I heard Mark grown sleepily and I but my lip hoping to stop myself from crying any more. 
I felt Mark sit up but I stayed facing away from him. "(Y/N)? Are you crying?" He asked, his voice full of sleep. I tried not to sniff but I had to. "What's up? Please talk to me." He pleaded. I shook my head not knowing if he could see me in the darkness. He sighed and began stroking my hair. It was soothing and calmed me a little. I sat up and turned to hug Mark. He wrapped his arms around me as I sobbed into his shirt. He rubbed my back softly and kissed my hair on the top of my head. 
                          
After calming myself down I breathed deeply and looked up at Mark. "Hey you. Wanna talk?" He whispered.
I swallowed and looked down nodding. "You know I told you that I had depression until a year ago." I started. He nodded still looking at me. "Well, it's kinda back." I shuffled in his arms. 
Mark didn't know what to say. To be honest I don't blame him. I wouldn't know what I would do either. He held me tighter and a small tear slipped from my eye. 
"If there's ever anything you need, I'll be here for you. You know I love you right." He spoke softly. 
I looked up at him with bloodshot eyes and smiled slightly. "I know. I love you to. I'm just scared." I told him. 
Still holding me in his arms, he eased up slightly and played with my hair. "What are you scared of?" He asked seriously. 
I breathed slowly, enjoying the feeling of him playing with my hair. "I'm scared of failing. I'm scared of letting people down. Letting you down. I'm scared of living. Nothing is fun anymore and I'm just tired." I told him. "Ugh. I sound so fucking pathetic. I'm so stupid." I muttered to myself. 
He shook his head. "No! No your not pathetic. Your amazing. It's okay that you feel like this. You can get through this. I believe you can. Your not letting anyone down and you don't have to worry about failing. It's alright to be scared. I know you are strong enough to get through it." He sounded sad but tried to sound strong. 
I nodded slowly. I knew it would take a lot of time to get back to my normal cheerful self. At least I wasn't considering anything to dramatic like I had in the past. "Have you been to a doctor yet?" He asked, choking back a tear. 
I nodded once again. "Yer, I went yesterday." I told him. 
                          
He smiled. "Good. What's the time?" He asked looking at the digital clock. The blue numbers illuminated through the darkness flashing the numbers 03:24. "Wanna go eat some ice cream?" Mark asked placing a loving kiss on my cheek. 
I smiled at his proposition as it was about half 3. "Yer! I want chocolate." I said cheerfully making Mark smile. 
We jumped out of bed and Mark carried me down the stairs to the kitchen. Placing me back into the ground, he looked at my face. "Your beautiful. I'm so lucky to have you." He kissed me and I kissed him back. 
I shook my head, smiling. "Now gimme ice cream." I asked, making grabby hands at the freezer. He chuckled and took the frozen goodness out, placing it on the table. 
                          
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I'm sorry this was so shit... 
Anyone watching Marks live stream right now? -A