Julian didn't even cry. His mouth went dry, unable to force up any words. He sat there stunned. How could she not remember him? His own wife didn't remember him. The doctor rambled on for a while after that but Julian managed to block him out. He was getting good at tuning people out. He was good at hearing silence when noises surrounded him. His eyes stared wide at the button that threatened to pop on the doctor's shirt. That was the thing he found to concentrate on. People say right before you die, you fixate on one thing. If Mara couldn't remember him he might as well die, and that button was the thing he was focusing on. *** "Jules!" The quarterback yelled from the driver's seat. He was waving his large hand in front of Julian's face. Tom picked him up after the Doctors suggested that Julian was in no condition to drive. Julian quickly snapped back to reality.
"What?" Julian asked in a monotone voice. He stared blankly out the windshield. He watched the windshield wipers go back and forth, washing away the rain that still continued to fall.
"What did they say?" Tom asked. He was worried about Julian. Their friendship went far deeper than football. Even with the Super Bowl coming up, Tom's main concern was Julian's well being. Julian waited for the words to form in his mouth, waited for them to sting less, but it didn't matter.
"She d-doesn't remember me," Julian stammered out. The words made his throat feel like it was about to close up. Saying them out loud had tasted worse than he thought they would. Tom shared the same doe eyed expression that Julian had when he found out an hour ago. The quarterback didn't say anything, what could he say. The love of your life not remembering you, seemed incomparable to anyone. He continued driving. He pulled into Julian and Mara's driveway. The Range Rover pulled to a stop and they both unbuckled. "I'm fine. You don't need to come in," Julian assured him in a low breathy voice. Julian still wouldn't look him in the eyes. Tom continued to step out of the car, ignoring what the man just said. Julian nodded and walked a few strides ahead of Tom to the red front door. They lived in a suburb where all of the houses looked nearly identical. Mara's way of making their house different was painting the door a bright red. Julian usually admired her for always wanting to stand out, but today it stung. He unlocked the house and took a step in. He was greeted with the smell of Mara's perfume. He welcomed the scent and was glad that he still had this of her.
It was six o clock. Julian laid in bed. He heard seconds ticking off of the clock that sat on his bedside table.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
He came right up to his bedroom when he got home. He didn't have the energy to talk to Tom about meaningless things. He just wanted to sleep and pass time by. He flipped over to face Mara's side of the bed. The pillow smelled like strawberries, the scent of her shampoo she used since Julian had known her. Until his eyes finally fluttered closed, he covered the pillow in his tears.
Since the accident, sleeping was hard to do. When he slept he dreamt of her. He dreamt of how their lives could be different. He dreamt of past memories. When he was awake he cursed himself for allowing this to happen. How he hated that this was supposed to be one of the happiest times in his life but he ruined it. Mara was supposed to be here with him, encouraging him to do his best in one of the biggest games of his life.
Tonight was different. He slept. But he didn't dream of past memories. He dreamt of the accident. Julian! He could still hear her shriek as the cars collided. He quickly sat up in bed.
Julian!
He heard it again. It was never ending. The man was shirtless and the room was cold but he was sweating. He wiped the sweat from his brow. His heart was racing. He was gasping for air, trying to catch his breath. The scream was so gut wrenching and high pitched. He reached for the strawberry scented pillow and covered his ears with it, trying to block the noise out.
Julian!
This was what insomnia felt like. He wanted sleep. He needed sleep. But sleep didn't want him and sleep didn't need him. "I'm so sorry, Mara. I'm so sorry," Julian cried rocking back and forth. The bedroom door thrashed open.
"What's going on?" Tom's deep voice intervened with Julian's thoughts. Julian looked at the clock. It read 2:48.
"I can't sleep. I dream about her. I think about her. I smell her. I hear her. I feel her, but she's not here," Julian sobbed in his hands. "I just want her back man. I'm sick of sleeping here without her. I'm sick of coming home and she's not here. I'm sick of her being in the hospital. I'm just sick of everything," Julian said. He picked up one of the many pillows that Mara covered their bed with and threw it. It hit a picture frame hanging on the far wall, causing it to crash to the ground. Glass broke and the picture was released from the frame. Just like the accident. Two things collided, and everything broke.
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