Chapter 98.

                                    

                                          
An grand gesture. What about a grand gesture? I need to do something. Anything to prove myself in front of Louis. Last night fucked up any last chance I had of getting back together with him. I need to get him back. Especially in our difficult circumstances. Louis is sick. It's hard to just turn away from that. I gave him my word, and promised to commit and stand by his side through this sickness. What if he doesn't wake up tomorrow? What if he dies and the last thing we ever did was fight? I would have to live the rest of my life knowing that the last thing I did to him was cause him pain.
                          
Although sometimes it doesn't matter how much effort you put into making things better. I have called him a billion times but it goes straight to voicemail. I've messaged him but the messages don't even reach him. Has he blocked me? What's going on?
                          
"I'll be right back." I hear Niall say flatly before walking through his living room. He seems really bothered for some reason. Last night after speaking to Louis I went straight back home to Louis' apartment. I just couldn't stay at the bar with the others. I just felt so out of place.
                          
"Where are you going?" I ask and Niall sighs.
                          
"Hospital." He says. My eyes widen because I immediately know why he's going there. Louis.
                          
"What happened!? Is he alright!?" I exclaim and step out of the couch.
                          
"I don't know. Apparently something happened at like 6 o clock this morning. He fainted and he's been at the hospital all morning. The boys are all there, so I'm going to check on him"
                          
"Well I'm coming with you, I have to-"
                          
"NO" He interrupts strongly, taking me by surprise. He takes a deep breath before explaining. "He told us what happened between you guys. What the hell were you thinking, Harry? Forcing yourself upon him like that? Especially after what you've experienced as a child. I never thought you'd act like that"
                          
Niall says and I feel my entire world shatter. Flashbacks of last night reappears in my head of me kissing Louis and him clearly saying no. What is wrong with me? How could I have acted like that? I suddenly step back from Niall and feel the urge to throw up. I'm so disgusted with myself. I can't believe I did that. I mean, I wouldn't say I forced myself upon him since I stopped before anything happened, but still. That was so wrong of me to do.
                          
"I'll call you when I know his condition. But until then, don't come to the hospital. For your own good."
                          
He says. I hear the front door close and I immediately fall to my knees. I feel a big lump grow in my throat, making it difficult for me to breathe. I'm out of breath and everything around me is blurry. I stand up with my shaky unstable legs and make my way to the bathroom. My head starts spinning. Louis has to be okay. He HAS to. I need to apologize. I need to make things right. I need to feel his love again. I need to... I need to...
                          


                          
I don't understand. I've been trying to understand for such a long time now, but nothing makes sense anymore. What is the point in living if everything around us is temporary? Including life itself. I mean, everything we do will be nothing but a fading memory within a second. Everything we say or do will be forgotten and there's absolutely nothing we can do about it.
                          
I mean, what is our purpose in life? Seriously. What, were we born just so that we could go along a life for different period of times to then just die? Just like that? And what else? What happens after that? Does everything just go black? Like seriously, I want to know. I need to know.
                          
And while we live, think about it, what is the point of anything? We are born, then we learn how to live, then we study and learn plenty of unnecessary bullshit, then we become adults and work our asses off, then we settle down, start a family and then spend your adulthood on raising them, and then what? Then you retire. What is the fucking point of that? Honestly? You're finally free from work and responsibilities, right? Well the answer is no. You can't even do shit. You're too old and tired to do anything anyway! So you just end up living somewhere watching your grandchildren grow up and your friends die one after one.
                          
Is that really what life is about? Being pressured until your death?
                          
I used to think that the point in life was to just have fun and live for the moment, but tomorrow, everything you would've done will be nothing but a memory. Sure eat a fucking pizza, it's delicious. But guess what? After you've swallowed that shit it's over. The taste will soon be gone and the texture and everything that makes it so great will be gone.
                          
So does it really matter? What we do or do not do? Nothing will matter in the end anyway. If I start making loads of money and save lots, how will that grant me when I'm gone? Life is seriously just so messed up. We spend so much of our time on everything else in life that we forget to question its entire existence. 
                          
I don't want to go along my entire life asking myself the same damn question, then ending up with no answer. I want to know my purpose.
                          


                          
Suffocating. I'm fucking suffocating in my own body and there's no way to escape it.
                          
My throat is closing up, leaving no space for air to fill my lungs. I'm unable to breath and it's the only thing I can seem to think about. Can this big uncomfortable lump in my throat disappear and allow me to think clearly for like a second!?
                          
Everything is hurting.
                          
Every single bit of me is hurting. I can't even see straight due to my tears blurring out my vision completely. My wrists are really itchy and demanding. It's their despicable way of convincing me to do it. To give in immediately and put the blade to my skin. Fuck. The shiny, slightly rusty shaving blade is right there in front of me. It's like it's calling me.
                          
And here it comes. That chilly cold gust of wind, causing my entire body to shiver. That part never gets left out. I always have to get really cold at some point of the meltdown. No amount of blankets or bone-fires can melt this kind of ice.
                          
Yet I try. I still try to decrease it. All of it. It's useless. I keep wiping all of my tears away. It is just as useless. I hide the blade so that I won't be as tempted. But does it help? No. It doesn't work. It is USELESS. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. Trying my best to shut everything out. IT IS FUCKING USELESS. EVERYTHING I'M DOING IS USELESS.
                          
I'm useless.
                          


                          
*Is he okay? Is he alive?* I text Niall. The clock ticks and ticks and there's no answer. Oh my god. It's over, isn't it?
                          


                          
*********************
                          
Guys the story is coming to its end soon so you better prepare for the worst. Hope you enjoyed this chapter and stay tuned for the next one!
                          
By the way. If you didn't already notice, I've started a new fanfiction about MJ. So if there are any Michael Jackson fans out there make sure to check it out. The trailer is in the multimedia.
                          
Love always, S.