Seventh Letter

                                    

                                          
Dear God, 
                          
Well, I have so much to say. Where do I start? I know I've always been in a Christian school. Since little I was raised in a church, the best friend I had while growing up was a Christian freak. I was baptized in a Catholic church, but who was I? I actually never believed completely. 
                          
I went to church. I had Bible study. I went to chapel in school. We prayed everyday. The best friend I had always mentioned You. Every time I got detention, You were probably mentioned too.
                          
Why didn't I believe in you? I always had this issue with faith. Blind faith was not my kind of thing. I always suffered and I knew they were tests, but why make me suffer so much. 
                          
Why let my father hurt me? Why let me hide that pain for so long? Why let my family break so bad? Why lead me into depression? Into cutting? Into pills? Into suicide at times? Why lead me into the devil? Why? 
                          
I never understood. I once even gave my soul to the devil. I always said I would never stop believing in you, and then I always did. 
                          
What stopped me? 
                          
A Guajataca christian retreat. I was not excited to go, at all. Why would I? It was going to be the exact same thing. Everyone will cry , they say they would change and then go back to what they've always been. Same old. I went with that mentality. But who would have known? 
                          
Here is when I changed, in that retreat, when a preacher, grabbed me and took me to the back. He started saying all I've been through and how I am. What I look for. How I look for it. Why I'm like this. What happened with my father. That's when my soul dropped to the ground. I didn't cry. I didn't accept Jesus in front of everyone. The clue I was looking for. The proof that You are real. You used that man so I could open my eyes and see reality for myself. 
                          
After that day, I haven't been the same. I've never left your side. I've been looking for the right church, the right friends, the right love. I've been trying to join groups that accepts me. When I started all this, is when you decided to give me the change. 
                          
I completely understood, this has been all a test, but I will pass it as long as I believe in You and trust You. With You, anything is possible. 
                          
My life changed when I started cutting again; although, I've always had that addiction. A day before my 19th birthday, you changed my life. Gave me a better home. Gave me a new father and mother. Gave me more dogs. Acceptance. New neighbor families. Made me closer to my grandma. Got me out of depression and hell. Found my church, an English church, with the Pastor being my Bible teacher from my highschool, the one that preached at chapel at school. A church that everyone accepts me, that likes me. I fell more in love with You. 
                          
Now, thanks to You, I'm in a better place. Because I know You have plans to proseper me. Jeremiah 29:11, my favorite. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I know you have things planned. 
                          
All I really ask is for forgiveness. Forgive me for failing you so many times. Forgive me stealing so many things. Forgive me for siding with the devil, which once you erased that from my memory, but then a person brought the memory back. Forgive me for being a compulsive liar. Forgive me for not honoring my parents. Forgive me for being ashamed. Forgive me for being selfish. Forgive me for worshiping other things. 
                          
God, all I really ask too, is for courage, to share Your word. Patience, to wait for Your plans. Strenght and power, to deal with what's coming. Wisdom, to make the right choices. Help me not to have more distractions. To follow You and be more like Jesus. To learn more about You. Guide me.
                          
                       -Thank You, loves                                 your daughter, Alondra.