Chapter Twenty-Four

                                    

                                          
Once again, this was a late update. I am so sorry. This chapter was a little bit different - I felt like I had to write it perfectly, and none of my attempts to do so I was happy with. I figured I had to give you something though so you weren't waiting forever, but I have to admit I'm not 100% happy with this chapter. It's missing... something. 
                          
WARNINGS: Suicide references. 
                          
Just to let any of my lovely readers know that if they are struggling with anything, whether it be suicidal thoughts, depression or if they just need someone to vent to, I'm always happy to receive and return messages and have a chat. I might not be able to help much, but I can provide a little bit of moral support. You are, of course, more than welcome to message me about my story, or just to have a general conversation as well. 

Feedback is always welcome, as usual :) 

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TODD'S POV
                          
Taking a deep breath, I look at myself in the mirror and smooth down my green button-up shirt with a shaky hand. Today was the day I took Jesse to meet my mom and just explain... everything. I pace around my room a few times, trying to make the nauseas feeling in my stomach go away. I just hope that when Jesse knows the truth, he'll still be interested in sticking around. Glancing in the mirror, I grimace at how pale my face looks and rub furiously at my cheeks in an attempt to create some colour. Hopefully Jesse won't notice how anxious this is actually making me.
                          
                   
                          
I take another deep breath before picking up the single white lily that was resting on my desk and walked downstairs to where I knew Jesse had been patiently waiting. He raised an eyebrow at the lily but thankfully kept silent as he followed me outside to my car. Climbing inside, we sat in silence for a few minutes before Jesse turned to me, studying my face.
                          
"Todd... you know we don't have to do this, right? I don't want you to do anything you're not comfortable with, and you're clearly not comfortable with this." Jesse said softly, reaching a hand out to soothingly squeeze my thigh. 
                          
"It's not that I don't want you to come with me, it's that... I just don't..." I broke off awkwardly, frustrated at myself at not being able to explain how I was feeling. I glared out the windshield, turning words over in my mind in an attempt to make a sentence that didn't end with Jesse thinking I was an idiot. How can I explain to him that I want him to know, to meet her, I just didn't want to go myself? How could I explain that I've been putting off this visit for years because I didn't know how to deal with it? Didn't know how to deal with the guilt? 
                          
I sighed, letting my head fall back to lean on the headrest as I glanced at him, shrugging helplessly. Jesse eyes searched my face before he abruptly leaned over the seats and jerked me into an awkward hug. 
                          
"Whatever it is, I'm going to be there every step of the way, okay?" Jesse said quietly before pulling back. I nodded stiffly, swallowing past the lump in my throat before giving him a tight-lipped smile that probably looked more like a grimace and started the engine. Jesse's hand dropped to my thigh again and I took comfort in the calm smile he sent my way before he leaned back in the seat, ready for the drive. 
                          
Both of us stayed quiet while I drove, relying on the radio in the car to create a soft background noise that prevented the silence from becoming awkward. I frowned as I drove along the familiar roads, trees that used to be small and green in memory had become large and weathered during the time that had passed. I glanced at Jesse out of the corner of my eye, smiling at the way he was thoughtfully staring out the window.
                          
I could remember when I was younger, and I was the passenger in my father's car, staring at my own reflection in the window, while we did this exact same drive three or four times a week, before that dwindled down to once a week, once a fortnight, once a month, never again, after my father began working more and more often. My heart clenched and I was left once again feeling guilty.