♬ Twenty Five ♬

                                    

                                          
Fun fact : I named Dan The Man after danisnotonfire ( Dan Howell oml ) and Zoe after one of my childhood friends who really likes Zoella
                          
Comment of the day !
                          
❝ Lol the tension is real xD ❞
                          
xxBearCuddlesxx 
                          
*
                          
I tossed and turned all night. Staring at the digital clock beside me, I counted down every second, every minute, and every hour. Every now and then my eyes would land on the window and stare out of it for a while, watching the rain hit my window and trickle down, almost as if it were crying.
                          
It was now 5:50. My alarm was going to go off in ten minutes.. But what was the point? I had no sleep last night. I felt both physically and emotionally exhausted. I wanted to lay in bed all day and just bawl my eyes out. Why? I have no idea.
                          
My emotions were flying all over the place. One moment I was mad, the next I was sad. And then suddenly, when I thought I was okay, the emotions came back like a killer wave of pain here to attack me and only me.
                          
5:51.
                          
The fact that Dan and Kate are dating, was bothering to the point of no return. How does Dan supposedly call me his "best friend" and then date the girl who's tortured me for years and year without end. What a best friend.
                          
But.. If he's happy then I'm happy. Even though that's not how I feel about it personally, I just.. He doesn't know where she's been. I do.
                          
I sat up, raising the volume on my music. Dragging myself out of bed, I walked over to the window and looked outside. I put my finger against my window, following the rain drops.
                          
What was I going to do? Dan would hate me if I broke up him and Kate. He thinks she's the one. And even though I shouldn't care, I do. I care so much. Because I don't want to see Dan in pain.
                          
My eyes watched a car pass by, and my mind traveled. I looked at the time.
                          
5:52.
                          
Mother..
                          
The day Dan asked who she was on the wall, I wasn't expecting him to question it. I mean, wasn't it obvious she was my mom?
                          
Mother would've given me great advice in this situation. She would've told me.. Well who knows what she would've told me? She's gone. Because of that damn plane crash.
                          
I could've been a big sister.. I would've had a little brother. I would still have a fucking mom.
                          
Oh how I miss my mother. She literally brought me into this world. And I always told her I would never leave her side, no matter what happened. She told me the same thing. She promised me, before she left for the plane on June 27, that she would come back safely. That when she does, I would get to help her pick a name for the new baby.
                          
The last image I have of my mom was seeing her driving away in a bright red car, waving goodbye at me and my dad. I remember screaming I love you to her, but she never heard me.
                          
Then.. The dreaded news. My father was a wreck. He was sobbing in the kitchen for hours until I heard him crying. When I came and asked what happened, he looked at me, and told me sit.
                          
5:53.
                          
My father's hands were so cold that night. His eyes lost the brightness and happiness they always hold. His eyes were dark, cold, sad. You could see the sadness in his eyes.
                          
I remember him staring at me for five minutes until telling me mom was dead. I refused to believe it for about three days, telling myself mom would come back. Because she promised me. Mommy never broke her promises, I told myself everyday.
                          
After those few days, I realized she was never coming back. And that's when it started. I stayed home, crying and just began to rethink all the good times I've had with her. I began to regret all the times I was ever mad at her, or made her mad at me. And every time I looked in the mirror, I remembered how dad always said "you look so much like your mother". I've hated looking in the mirror ever since.
                          
I miss mommy.. More than my mind can even handle. That's why when Dan asked about her, I didn't tell him all the details.
                          
5:54.
                          
What kind of sister would I be like? Would I be a bad one? Maybe I'd be a good one. Would my brother come to me for advice? Come to me cause he wants to complain about dad? Come to me cause someone in his school was messing with him?
                          
Something tells me, my brother would've been awesome. He would've been everything I imagined him. He would come to me for advice, and I'd do the same. I would've been my brother's best friend. And he would've been mine.
                          
I would care for my brother with all my heart. If he was born before mom died, I would even be the mother figure. Just to keep my promise to my mom: I'll protect him mommy!
                          
And yet, years later, I never got to tell my mom what I wanted to name him.
                          
5:55.
                          
Would my brother have been protective me of when it came to boys? Perhaps tell me who's good and who's not?
                          
If so, he would be a huge help right now.
                          
Why do I love Kenton so much? But why does Dan make me feel this way? I hate how he still manages to make me smile even when I'm trying to be 'mad' at him. Yet, Kenton makes me smile no matter what mood I'm in.
                          
I hate the fact that I think about these two more than I do my own priorities at times. I've told myself school and family come first, then maybe boys. But lately, it feels like it's been the other way around.
                          
My grades are dropping, but Zoella's popularity is rising. Gosh.. What have I become?
                          
5:56.
                          
I dragged myself back to my bed, covering myself up to my chin. I lied on my left side, staring at the clock.
                          
Tick tock, tick tock..
                          
5:57.
                          
Kenton..
                          
5:58.
                          
Dan..
                          
5:59.
                          
Destruction.
                          
Before I was aware of what I was doing, I was throwing my pillow at the wall, screaming of frustration. Tears were spilling down my cheeks like a river, my hair falling out of its bun. I jumped to my feet, grabbing my sheets and ripping it off my bed, tossing it on the floor. I used my nails to scratch my drawing of Kenton that was on the back of my door, watching it tear in thirds and fall to the floor.
                          
I grabbed all my clothes that belonged to Zoella, and tossed them to the floor, stomping on them. I kicked my pillow across my room, then fell to my knees, letting out loud sobs. I felt small pieces of hair ticking my nose and side of my face, even the back of my neck. I traced patterns on the floor, sniffling.
                          
6:00.
                          
Zoella is ruining my life..